Value

I have been thinking a lot the last few days about many things... There is something that I have to say.

If you want to know your true value, just quietly sit and think about what someone who loves you has forgiven you, has overcome for you, has accepted for you, and uninhibited by mental checks and balances did to keep you. There in lies your value.

A hint of the truth.

Forever...

When you find that person who loves you after they have seen all your flaws and experienced the worst of you and never gave up on your love, that is a soul mate. Hold on to that. 

Are the stars bright tonight?

Found this amazing image and wanted to share with my readers! Enjoy and surrender to love you all!

X
Ry

The fated

For that which is fated, what has been written in the stars cannot be undone by human hand. It was written by a power far greater.

What is meant to be will be. What has happened was for a reason. The infinite amount of decisions, influences and events that lead to this point in life cannot be a coincidence.

The most challenging thing is to let go and surrender entirely to that power greater than yourself.

For every tear in the past and present, a prayer is accompanied.

Amen

A road of memories

Driving a familiar route and being flooded with memories of chicken pies, dinner at the Bistro and lazy braais next to the dam and cheap firewood that just turned to ash. It makes me smile but also breaks my heart... will I ever have the courage to go back to these places?

I miss you and the memories take me back.

Unfaithful

I find it strange... that after all this time, I still feel like I am being unfaithful to you when thinking about another man. Is my feelings and loyalty to you just that strong.

I smile and die a little everytime I think of you. I do miss you terribly.

My hope and wish is that you are doing phenomenally well and thriving. You always deserved it.

Broken heart / broken mind

Dear readers

This blog post is a rather sobering and extremely painful one for me to compose, however since this blog has been my place of venting and communication for the last while - here I go.

A few four weeks and 1 day ago I planned my suicide. I wanted to die. I made the decision not to live anymore. I had taken great care in planning every single detail to great length - what music I wanted to play, what clothes I wanted to wear etc. My life has lost it's meaning and I had lost what self worth I had left. I had prepared myself, my house and my surroundings for this one moment. I had prayed for my sins to be forgiven and my soul to be spared. Candles were lit and the photos of me and TVK lay scattered around me - my memories, my living ghost and haunt. All I wanted was him back. That was the goal of my heart and nothing else would do. I had acquired the pills and had poured a big glass of my favourite Coral Reef wine. I was ready - the angels had come to take me home. I could not imagine living my life without TVK, there was not way out for me and the hurt was to deep to bury.

Four weeks ago I was booked into a psychiatric hospital - my mind it seems had completely lost it's ability to discern reality from fantasy, I was diagnosed with a identity crisis and bipolar disorder. For two years I have been in a severely depressive low - with only momentary highs and manic episodes. My depression had gotten to such a stage that I developed severe psychosis and created a world of my own - a fake world with only one goal.

A single moment of severe trauma had taken an already fragile mind and completely broke it - and so began the blind leading the blind. A broken heart leading a broken mind - into disaster. Friends and family, as it turns out I am sick, just not in the way that my mind had created - I have a severe mental disorder that I will have to have treated for the rest of my life. I have been to the darkest side of depression, I have experienced the absolute lowest of low, hurt many people in the process and destroyed my career. What my mind created has all come crumbling down and now I am left to stand here, with the shards around me. With a mind that is now clear and wondering what I have done and how I could do this...

I cannot begin to express the regret that I feel for my actions, for the twisted and distorted events that were told and life that was created. For the damage that I have caused, the trust that I have broken - I am eternally ashamed and my punishment is being handed in bulk, and it is what I deserve. For those who read this I beg for your forgiveness and understanding.

Love it seems is a far more powerful force than I had ever imagined - without a mind to regulate it, it is an irrational emotion that is raw and untamed. It is a force onto itself and seeks only to fulfill itself. To try and gain back the love lost, my broken heart had led me to paths that I could never imagine, it twisted my mind in such a perspective that all I could see was my goal. Love was my goal. So much pain = that amount of love. It is a bitter compliment to the man whom I ached to get back, that my heart was so desperate for you and my love for you was so intense that I was willing to sacrifice it all for you. That unconstrained my love for you drove me mad - it was a pure love just meant for you.

As I progress on this journey my friends, I will make sure to update you all.
Ry