Incorrect Prayer

During a particularly emotionally difficult time in my life, as a Christian, I prayed. I turned to my Lord to help me though the difficult times. I prayed for my life to be changed, for my circumstance to change. I prayed for the one that had cause my life to be disrupted to change my life once more for the better.

How I now see the errors of my prayers. I asked all the wrong questions, for the incorrect help. I prayed for someone to change my life for the better. An external person, an impartial person to change my life. Foolish me. Why did I not pray for me to change my own life? To become better myself? Why do I feel like I need someone to come into my life and change it for me? Perhaps I should pray instead for my own inner strength to change my life? For my own abilities to shine and become amazing, and in so doing change my life?

I prayed for a sign to help me through the issue, and when the sign came, I did not see it. I ignored the message. I should have perhaps asked for the wisdom and strength to accept the sign and act accordingly. My questions have always been answered, in the exact way that I need them to be answered. I did not always get the answer I wanted, but Lord knows I always got the answer I needed. Whether I knew it then or not. I needed every answer, even if I would fight against it, I needed it. I should have prayed to understand and accept the answers instead hey? Retrospect. I hate it so much (*GRIN*)

Fellow religious readers, advice from someone who has noticed his mistake. Pray. Pray often. Pray truthfully. Pray sincerely. Most of all, and I mean most of all - Pray correctly.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Be good. Be strong. Amen.
Ray

The art of letting go.

I realised something profound today. This very moment exactly. 21:47 on some or other day in August in the year 2011. Here is a quote that sums it up beautifully:

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." - Henry Ellis

I am a hoarder. I gather. I hold on to little scraps of paper, objects, clutter and junk because it has emotional value for me. A connection, no matter how small. As a result of this need to hoard emotional connections, I am now left with boxes of emotions. Packed everywhere. Lying around. Reminding me of events that have unfolded in my life that mean something to me. Good or bad. Mostly bad for some reason, as those are the strongest emotions. A photo kept in a wallet of the one now past. The pain flooding back with each viewing.  The pain. The stab in my heart when I see something he gave me, reminding me of how good it was and how much it hurts now.

Strange, this habit i've developed. Things that make me hurt, remind me of my unhappy state of affairs. This is surely not natural. It cannot be. It must be a flaw. I am not scared to admit my flaws, as that I think is the first step in getting to heal them. It does not make it easier though.

As the quote says, it's an art to know when to hold on and when to let go. A fucking difficult art to master. I am very much a novice. Just when I think I have let go, I find myself gripping tighter onto the memory. Onto the pain. It lets me know i'm still an emotional person. It's feeling something. I let you go, in my head I believed it, but my heart never did. I hoarded you. Put you in a box to keep safe. To keep the pain alive.

There is another problem with the hoarding. It keeps me so busy, I do not have time to live. I have to take each memory out of the box and dust it, polish it and keep it alive. "Every man dies. Not every man really lives. " resonates in my head! Have I given up what I have lived in my life to boxes of hurt. Is this the life I have chosen? Pathetic Ray! Snap too it.

Life is short. It's not something to waste on such things. On such trivial hurt. Life life Ray. Make the most of it. Say goodbye to the boxes of hurt and pain. Forget about the one that got away. He got away for a reason. It's your paths in life. Walk your separate ways. Forget. Learn the art of letting go.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." - Henry Ellis

Professional Homosexual.

I am a gay man. An openly gay man. I hold my boyfriends' hand in public. More so, I am a openly gay man that is also a working professional. In a firm of over 3500 staff, I am surely not the only one, however, I am the only openly gay man in my department. I refuse to change that fact. I decided this early on. "The closet is to cramped for my chunky ass and man boobs."

This knowledge, this fact of me being the only gay man in a department of 45, is something that makes you feel special and empowered, but also, it's a lonely path to walk. You are looked at different. Interacted with differently. This is firstly, bullshit. Look, I know that the department is mainly comprised of older generation people, with the old school values that do not approve of "the gays", but it's the modern world. Adapt or die. Point is I am permanently employed, I am exceptional at what I do, and I am not intending to be anything else but myself. A professional homosexual, poef, fag or homo.

What breaks my heart and makes me want to scream out loud, is when I see gay men, that are obviously gay to me, but will play it as straight as they can muster in front of the leadership. Why are these men and woman so scared of being their true self, and allowing them to be accepted? It shows confidence and conviction when you can proudly say that you are gay, and own your life. You might just get that promotion that you have been waiting for but never seem to grasp.

If you cannot accept yourself fellow gays and strays, how can you expect others to? The more you try and hide the fact that you are a gay professional, the more power and credit you give to those who do not like the community. It makes sense if you think about it doesn't it?

Fellow people of the homosexual inclination: Get into your fantastically stylish business suit, beautifully maintained hair and gorgeous smile, walk into the office proud to be a gay professional. A person who loves themselves and exudes confidence. What can they do? Laugh? Sure, but when they do not get a reaction, they will get bored and stop. It's so much like sibling rivalry.

Be yourself. Be proud. Stand tall. Be gay. A successful homosexual.

Hugs and kisses,
The professional fag! (SMILES)

Multifaceted world.

Humanity is luck enough to occupy a glorious earth, with wonders and beauty that is unmatched. A world, like it's occupants with a multifaceted personality, serene beauty with extreme violence. A beautiful little frog too poisonous to touch. A peaceful plant that eats insects. Hunters and prey.

So too are the people who occupy this world. A loving husband that abuses his wife. A young life who takes a gun into his school and kills mercilessly. The world, and it's people, are not what they seem. The surface is only the surface. Beautiful but deadly. Survival of the most cruel. Is humanity merely echoing the world we live on? Personally I do not thing so. Nature does not disguise it's anger and violence, those that are prey and those that hunt. Nature warns other nature of the impending hunter. A person hides their affinity for violence behind a fake smile and charming demeanor.

A multifaceted world. (I wish they were real!)

Me, myself, this man writing the post is no different. I can be a loving person, but another facet of me can be cold and without sympathy. A warm smile to hide a deep depression. A laugh to hide the tears. A world of complete opposites in one body.  We have perhaps evolved in humanity to be able to hide that which would make us unpopular or unliked. A defense mechanism that we develop from childhood perhaps? I suppose it is only natural. The animal world are grouped my species, so they cannot be rejected. It is a simpler world that that which we live in. That being said, imagine if all the various types and personalities only stuck together in packs. What a boring world we would become. Would we not take a step back in evolution if that would happen?

The problem as I see it, is not the multifaceted person. I like that about humanity. It is the lack of understanding and acceptance of our facets. Humans are renound for denying the parts of themselves that they do not like. Oppression eventually breaks through, and mostly violently. If we accept the fact that we have a violent facet in ourselves, and accept it, we can change it slowly for the better if that is what we choose. Acceptance is the first step in changing something you find a problem. Like an alcoholic that admits that they have a drinking problem. It is actually a simple solution to a complex problem I believe.

So there you go, more happy ramblings from my head. Tune in next episode for more exciting stories!
Tot volgende keer (Afrikaans)!
Ray...

Time.

What is time really? Some say that it is the fabric of our existence. It is the lifeblood of the world. Without the ever present hour ticking off the clock, how would we know where to be, what to do? Meetings, schedules, appointments, eat, wake-up and sleep. We are governed by the clock on the wall.  Was there ever an instant in our history, and era or century, where the only arms that mattered were not the ones on the clock, but those of the lover in which you lay, the arms of a lover in which you lay for as long as you want, as long as you need to. No tick, no tock, no alarms, no rush, no hurry.

A cross media piece that I designed during a challenging time of my life.

The amusing thing with time is that although we live by it, cannot function without it, there is never enough of it. It is cursed, yelled at and sobbed over. A loved one passes away, and we blame ourselves, we blame the tick and the tock, for time we did not spend with that, that is no longer around, for time that was stolen from us. Yet this hatred is ill placed. We allow ourselves to be ruled by this unseen force, this monarch in our lives. An hour for lunch, 15 minutes for tea, 4 hours with the family. Are these really the constraints that we have placed on ourselves? Are these really the shackles that are forced upon us by those in power, by the lives we lead? Time. A fickle thing. Never enough. Sometimes too much. Often misplaced. Tick and tock. Rush and push. This thing called time. It is our much loved enemy. Our constant accomplice. Time. What a bitch.

Happy Woman's Day

Women are like tricks by sleight of hand,

Which, to admire, we should not understand.

- WILLIAM CONGREVE

One of the women who have changed my life.

Idol.

I remember as a child, all during school and college, I have been told to find an idol, a role model, someone whom I can aspire to be alike. Oprah for success, Mandela for courage of conviction and Dali for artistic dexterity. Those were my idols, my “people I would like to be like”. As I sit here, many years later, I realize something profound. Something I did not even think about before. Why the hell do I want to become like someone, or aspire to be someone who is NOT me?

Why is humanity teaching their children to become or aspire to become like another person. I know this is meant with the best intentions, however like all disasters, it is always with the person/s best intentions. Why am I striving to become someone else, why am I not striving to become the best of who I can be? Why are we not tutoring our children to be their ultimate self, the best of themselves they can be. Yes, use the experience and skills from another, from an idol, but with your own twist. Your own flair. With your own pezzzaz!

A photo I took in remembrance of the ultimate in idols.

I always wished to be as successful as Oprah, to start with little and build an empire. I am not Oprah, I will never be Oprah. Apart from the obvious lack of female reproductive organs, I have not lead her life, or had the same series of events that lead her to where she is. Rather, I will take away from her life, her savvy business skills. Her give-to-get attitude. I do not want to be as creative as Salvador Dali anymore, I would rather be as creative as I can be, in my own right, using Dali’s lessons and skills to make me more creative that he was. As for Mandela, he is not a bad person to aspire to be like. He has changes the South African landscape for the future. I however do not want to have the same courage as he does, the same conviction as he does. Instead I would rather learn and find out what keeps him motivated and how he understands and deals with a problem, and apply that to MY own courage and conviction.

My new goal in life is to become the idol, become the role model, have others take pages out of my book to help their life flourish and blossom. That way all I will be doing is sharing and passing along knowledge gained from others. It’s a good system. It is like a peer-to-peer file-sharing software.

To each their own life, their own experiences. This is what makes every man, woman and child different and unique. Let us as parents, siblings and family nurture this in those around us. Teach them to be the best that they are, not the best of what someone else is.

Until the next time, audience of my reachable network, keep it unique, keep it you, and keep it real!

R