Soul windows

I have been giving this topic a bit of thought and wanted to share my views to whomever cares to read it. It has long since been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Yes, I do believe this is correct. However, there are some cases where the eyes are the windows to the emotions and heart along with the soul.

My eyes, which were blue when I was young, and have now become green, have this remarkable ability to change colour, and yes, I know what you are thinking - big deal, mine changes when I wear a particular colour. My eyes however, have an additional little trick, they change colour based on the current state of my emotions and that of my heart. My eyes can change from green and gold, to silver and gray, to bright blue in the space of an hour - if I were ever to go through that amount of emotions at once.

My boyfriend has noted these changes also, and often rely on the betrayal of my eyes, to know what my emotional state is. The best part about him is, he has the same genetic anomaly with his eye colour. He has dark eyes, and always believed that was it, until one night I realised that they have also changed colour, and have remarked a variety of colours since then. Betrayal from both our eyes to each other...

So I have been giving the topic of "eyes" a good think over.

A person can have beautiful eyes, and it can be complimented and remarked often, however, their eyes are not a gift to them, it is in fact a gift to the rest of the world. It is a physical property that is basically exclusively enjoyed by others. A daily blessing to those whom are lucky enough to see them, and really pay attention to them.

I can look at the world, through the most beautiful eyes, and see only pain and destruction. I can look at you with the eyes of the most staggering blue, but in my heart I am bleeding and broken. A man can look at the world through the darkest of eyes, and see happiness and joy.

Eyes are a deceptive part of the human body. A remarkable illusion. A story. A sonet. A lyric. If only we paid closer attention.

Your with gold and green eyes,
Ry

Falling over again...

Image sourced from Google

I have fallen in love, with an amazing man.

A deep love, a very passionate love.

A comfortable relationship.

Acceptance of each other in totality.

Souls connecting in a special way.

Genetic flaws that mirror each other.

Two unique humans, that found each other.

Magnetic.

Love is a strange emotion, effect, consequence, anomaly, carefully crafted emotion.

I had always had a large capacity to love, an infinite capacity to love. I always had love in my heart, more and more to give. To this man, I had given all the love I had in my heart. As much as there was. Or so I thought...

I had been constantly reminded through out our relationship that I had always had more love to give to this man. I fell more and more deeply in love with him, continuously being faced with more and more reasons why I had fallen in love with him.

It was amazing to know that I could never stop falling deeper in love with him.

One moment that gave me an intense feeling of God and love, happened on the 14th July 2012. We had gone hiking in the mountains about an hour and a half from home. It was an amazing location with breathtaking views. We hiked. A couple on a mission. A journey to experience unknown destinations. All we knew is that up is where we were heading. We hike through nature, I see him alive and free in this place, his happy place. His soul is free! It is staggering to witness. It made my heart smile.

It was at the top of the mountain, with him walking a few paces ahead of me, that I experienced that new emotion and experience that showed me my true capacity to love: I looked at him and in my heart, something clicked, a deep emotion that stirred in the very muscle fiber of that precious organ. I had falled in love with this man all over again, for the second time, without ever having fallen out of love with him. This may seem a bit confusin, so let me clarify...

I knew I was in love with him, deeply in love, with everything that was in me and in my heart and soul to give. That moment that I had experienced on the mountain, was another layer of love, another facet of it, that I was entirely unaware of. I had fallen in love with him again. It is strange I know. I had falled in love with another layer of this man, or with ander layer of my heart that I was unaware of.

My original love was just a strong, it has just now been enhanced by another level of love. I am not sure if I am making any sense but it does not bother me though, my soul gets it. I had fallen for this man for the second time. I had the honour of being able too feel that intense feeling of initially falling in love - twice!

What an experience to live through.

I have fallen in love, with an amazing man.

A deep love, a very passionate love.

A comfortable relationship.

Acceptance of each other in totality.

Souls connecting in a special way.

Genetic flaws that mirror each other.

Two unique humans, that found each other.

Magnetic. 

Over and over again!

MY change

In weeks past, almost counting 9 of them now, there have been some changes that have reshuffled and reshaped my life in astronomical ways. Where do I begin. How do you catalogue an event that happens internally? How do you notarize it, store it and remember it, it is something that happens on the inside.

Most of the change was not in a form of a big explosion, I did not become a different person over night, it was smaller than that, far smaller, many little changes that happened close on each others' heals.

Most people would only notice the change if they bothered to look close enough, and thank heavens most people don't bother to care enough.

But you notice, you see the changes, you feel the changes. Unavoidable. You feel that changes in the fiber of your existence, and it is good. Some are scary.

Some are there to remind you of where you came from.

"Mmm, that boy has changed a lot in you hey?" Is something that I hear so often. No. That boy has changed nothing in me. Apart from making me happy. I have changed a lot in myself. Myself. These are my changes. He may have been a catalyst, or the reflection in the mirror may have been the catalyst, or a combination of both. Who knows. All I know, I have made changes. Big changes. Small changes. I have made them. No-one else. They are changes for me. They do not hitch on "that boy", they do not depend on him, they are mine, and mine alone...

A man - redesigned. A smile on my face, the glint in my eyes, the touch of my hand, will all remind you of how much I have changed. Who I am now, but not who I once was. So much has changed. An addiction no longer there. A reflection now loved. A confident walk - a strut. A life re-evaluated. Work put into perspective. Family accepted for their many flaws. A little blue box. A heart on a necklace. A ring around my neck.

A look inside. A deep look inside. Carefully pulling apart layers and layers of emotional blockages. Emotional scarring. A heart in pain. Layer upon layer of memories hidden and distorted by time and memory. Slowly I deal with each one. Tediously I deal with each issue. A past not always littered with glitter and gold. A lack of fear surrounding death. Burdens buried for years. What an existence to have lived. No wonder smiles never came easily. I lived a life of shadow, having given myself over to a corporation, losing myself, without fighting it. Giving myself freely. What a shell of a man I once was. Fragments and pieces of myself.

Many of the pieces examined, carefully cleaned and put back into place. Not all of them. Many of them. Majority of them. The pieces still missing make up the smallest fraction of what makes me whole.

"'n Stukkie le hier, en n stukkie le daar. Die stukkies van my lewe, hulle le, baie deurmekaar"
I love that song - on a separate note! Laugh out loud!

MY change, MY life, MY progress. This has been mine to own.
It does not belong to "that boy" as I get told, it is mine and mine alone. MY moments. MY change. MY victory.

Did I dream you into life?

The day is 3 June in the 2012 rotation of earth around the sun, after the death of the Father. On this day, this beautiful winter evening, listening to music of the Irish, that I choose to reflect. Prior to this moment of reflection, in weeks past, many things have changed in my life. The world has taken on a new glow, a new attitude and insight.

I climbed a mountain yesterday, it was not Everest, or a particularly difficult route, but I climbed it. I went over rocks, sat and admired nature. Captured memories. Drank cool water that gave my breath back. Wiped sweat from my brow. Felt my heart beating in my chest, not a labored beat, a beat of freedom and rejoice. I pushed on. Climbing. Keeping my eyes on the goal. Listening to interesting facts along the way. With a laugh and a giggle, I pushed on. The land was dry. The grass was yellow. Green was sparse. The world around me looking so dead, yet when you sit silently, you hear the life. A buck above rustling the grass. Not dead at all. Alive. Very much alive. My soul feels alive, truly alive. I smile. Drinking more water. Alive.

There I sit, on the top of this little mountain, on a chair perfectly provided by nature. This little hill. The starting point of the journey looking so far away. There goes another person. Far below. A little ant scurrying to its destination, determined. I hear the wind, I feel the air, blowing on my face, I hear the grass. The patterns the wind creates is beautiful. I have climbed this path, over rocks and small obstacles, so perfect, I had climbed the obstacles in my life in that walk. Putting the old behind me. I have reached the top. I have made it. A better person for it.

You were there. You sat next to me. You took my hand in yours. Warm, tender and soft, such a contrast to the bracing chill of the wind. You lead me up this path. I followed you. It was not a challenge for you. You had done it before. But you did it again, with me. You held me in this nature. You stood on a rock, towering above me, wrapping me in your arms. I feel safe there.

We sat there, silent. Nothing had to be said, but lots was spoken. I touched your face. Felt its warmth with my hands. My lips embracing yours. The wind in our ears. So much was spoken without a word. We swayed to the beat of our hearts. It was a moment where time stood still.

The walk down was easy. I waited. Looking at you in this space, this environment. This was your true home. Your space of peace. You waited for me to catch up. Taking my hand and helping me. Reading me more interesting facts at each stop.

We had completed our journey full circle. I am alive. You are alive. We are sharing that space for a brief moment in time. We drove. Into the nature. The path of man led us up the mountain. Laughing and singing. Moments of silence. Comfortable silences. No need to talk. I get a glimpse of you, you have a Mona Lisa smile. There is something that you know, that makes you happy. No one needs to know what it is. All that matters is that it makes you happy.

We reach the next stop. You leave the music on in your car. The music is fantastic. We sing. Dance. You open the wine. Its such a good wine. Perfectly fitting. A crystal glass of white plastic. The wine dances on my tongue. It's sweet. It's full of flavour. It echoes the nature around it. You kiss me. You hold me. We share in food and more wine. An images flashed in my head. A distant memory. Other people come and go in the distance. The world seems small at that moment. Everyone else is a blur. They pass unnoticed.

You are there.

We kissed and touched. We surrender to passion. I am alive. He is alive. We are sharing this moment in life for a brief moment in time. The sun is setting.

Nature gives a truly breathtaking show, the last rays of the sun, in hues of red and orange, surround the mountains. The animals meeting us along the way. Saying their goodbyes.

We went left. We drove. You held my hand. We drove. The unknown awaits. We share memories of pain. Pasts not yet forgotten. We sing. You hold my hand. The device, so reliable, failing you twice, not providing you with the vision of water and stars that you had hoped. On-wards we drive. "Why are you so quiet?" I ask. "I'm happy" you reply. I am happy. We smile.You took me to a place I have never been. Shock and horror. You don't like Tyler Perry movies. I smile. You can't win them all.

A Portuguese restaurant. Coffee. Good food.

You ask me about the period of change in my life. I do not hesitate. I share with you what I have been through. What has happened. I am comfortable here. It is safe to share. A moment of outburst, of freedom and words. A dream shared. An equation completed. It makes sense now.

You drive me home. I learn more about you. You fascinate me with your life. The day shared is almost over. You hold my hand. You stop. You kiss me goodnight. How I do not want to let you go.

I see your car drive away.

The day had ended. The moment shared was completed. My hand is cold. I smile. It does not want to go away.

Did I dream you into life?

Or are you the life of my dreams?

~ Ray

My song of the month

Florence + The Machine - Shake it out

Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

I can never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see no way

I'm always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

So I like to keep my issues drawn

But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

Cause I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back

It's a fine romance but its left me so undone

It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road

And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off, oh woah

Link to YouTube video

New life...

There is this feeling I have been experiencing in the last few days, weeks actually. It is difficult to explain. A lump in the pit of my stomach. An excitement. A fear. The unknown, such a simple word, yet stretches so wide.  It is this that I have decided to embrace. This wide unknown.

A page in my book has been turned. I am changing aspects of my life that used to be my comfort zone. My calculated life of career over everything. Work has been something I can control to it's extreme. To the very last minute. I have decided to turn to life instead. The uncontrollable part of life. Am I scared? Shitless. Am I unsure if I am making the right decision. Absolutely. I do find myself happy though. In a good space. My head is in the right place.

Life is the new way forward. Friends. Family. Work. All balanced. They have to be. I have to force it, until it becomes natural and nature. Will it be something I have to adapt too, oh yes. But I am excited for it. I am looking out for the new adventure. Holidays. Old friend. New friends. Love. Heartbreak. Laughing and tears. This is what awaits me in the unknown. I am looking forward to it. To stumbling on the path, but always getting back up and moving forward.

I remember an old catholic joke about a man who spent his whole life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging "please, please, please, let me win the lottery." Finally the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down at the begging man and says "my son, please, please, please, buy a ticket." So now I get the joke, and I bought three tickets."

Rose coloured glasses

Photo sourced from Google.

There are some moments in life, sometimes awkward  moments, when the the veil is dropped, the truth is realized and the world will never be the same for you. It kind of feels like a weight off your shoulders, strange, as if you knew there was something wrong from the off, and you just needed clarification.  After this realization, you then have the decide what you want to do with this information... that's where the difficulty comes in. Do you stay or do you go.

You are talking to a friend, and suddenly you realize that they are so fake, and only go out with you when you pay. Promises and dreams promised by your work, and a sentence in a memo, bringing you down to reality. You look at yourself smiling in the window, and see, for a change, an unhappy person staring back at you. The velvet curtains drop, and you see what is truly in front of you. Feeling like a fool when you realize that you have been staring through these glasses for so long, not seeing the truth, nevertheless, you are free now. You have seen the world/person/work/yourself for whom and what they really are.

The question is now. Do you stay, my dear reader, or do you go?

Do you resign from work and find somewhere else, now knowing what "promises" to look out for?
Do see your "friend" run when you tell them that you are broke for the month?
Do you find out why you are truly unhappy and try and fix it?

Or do you simply put the rose coloured classes back on, and continue living in this world of false people, artificial promises and unhappy "happiness"? Because that way you have friends, a work that you can build a career at and a happy you?

So the question is. Do you stay, or do you go?

The most oddly romantic song I know...

Image Source: Google.com

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,

If you will only say the same.

But if you leave me and love another,

You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me

And no one else could come between.

But not you've left me and love another;

You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me

When I awake my poor heart pains.

So when you come back and make me happy

I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away