Sunday, 10 June 2012

Did I dream you into life?

The day is 3 June in the 2012 rotation of earth around the sun, after the death of the Father. On this day, this beautiful winter evening, listening to music of the Irish, that I choose to reflect. Prior to this moment of reflection, in weeks past, many things have changed in my life. The world has taken on a new glow, a new attitude and insight.

I climbed a mountain yesterday, it was not Everest, or a particularly difficult route, but I climbed it. I went over rocks, sat and admired nature. Captured memories. Drank cool water that gave my breath back. Wiped sweat from my brow. Felt my heart beating in my chest, not a labored beat, a beat of freedom and rejoice. I pushed on. Climbing. Keeping my eyes on the goal. Listening to interesting facts along the way. With a laugh and a giggle, I pushed on. The land was dry. The grass was yellow. Green was sparse. The world around me looking so dead, yet when you sit silently, you hear the life. A buck above rustling the grass. Not dead at all. Alive. Very much alive. My soul feels alive, truly alive. I smile. Drinking more water. Alive.

There I sit, on the top of this little mountain, on a chair perfectly provided by nature. This little hill. The starting point of the journey looking so far away. There goes another person. Far below. A little ant scurrying to its destination, determined. I hear the wind, I feel the air, blowing on my face, I hear the grass. The patterns the wind creates is beautiful. I have climbed this path, over rocks and small obstacles, so perfect, I had climbed the obstacles in my life in that walk. Putting the old behind me. I have reached the top. I have made it. A better person for it.

You were there. You sat next to me. You took my hand in yours. Warm, tender and soft, such a contrast to the bracing chill of the wind. You lead me up this path. I followed you. It was not a challenge for you. You had done it before. But you did it again, with me. You held me in this nature. You stood on a rock, towering above me, wrapping me in your arms. I feel safe there.



We sat there, silent. Nothing had to be said, but lots was spoken. I touched your face. Felt its warmth with my hands. My lips embracing yours. The wind in our ears. So much was spoken without a word. We swayed to the beat of our hearts. It was a moment where time stood still.

The walk down was easy. I waited. Looking at you in this space, this environment. This was your true home. Your space of peace. You waited for me to catch up. Taking my hand and helping me. Reading me more interesting facts at each stop.

We had completed our journey full circle. I am alive. You are alive. We are sharing that space for a brief moment in time. We drove. Into the nature. The path of man led us up the mountain. Laughing and singing. Moments of silence. Comfortable silences. No need to talk. I get a glimpse of you, you have a Mona Lisa smile. There is something that you know, that makes you happy. No one needs to know what it is. All that matters is that it makes you happy.

We reach the next stop. You leave the music on in your car. The music is fantastic. We sing. Dance. You open the wine. Its such a good wine. Perfectly fitting. A crystal glass of white plastic. The wine dances on my tongue. It's sweet. It's full of flavour. It echoes the nature around it. You kiss me. You hold me. We share in food and more wine. An images flashed in my head. A distant memory. Other people come and go in the distance. The world seems small at that moment. Everyone else is a blur. They pass unnoticed.

You are there.

We kissed and touched. We surrender to passion. I am alive. He is alive. We are sharing this moment in life for a brief moment in time. The sun is setting.

Nature gives a truly breathtaking show, the last rays of the sun, in hues of red and orange, surround the mountains. The animals meeting us along the way. Saying their goodbyes.

We went left. We drove. You held my hand. We drove. The unknown awaits. We share memories of pain. Pasts not yet forgotten. We sing. You hold my hand. The device, so reliable, failing you twice, not providing you with the vision of water and stars that you had hoped. On-wards we drive. "Why are you so quiet?" I ask. "I'm happy" you reply. I am happy. We smile.You took me to a place I have never been. Shock and horror. You don't like Tyler Perry movies. I smile. You can't win them all.

A Portuguese restaurant. Coffee. Good food.

You ask me about the period of change in my life. I do not hesitate. I share with you what I have been through. What has happened. I am comfortable here. It is safe to share. A moment of outburst, of freedom and words. A dream shared. An equation completed. It makes sense now.

You drive me home. I learn more about you. You fascinate me with your life. The day shared is almost over. You hold my hand. You stop. You kiss me goodnight. How I do not want to let you go.

I see your car drive away.

The day had ended. The moment shared was completed. My hand is cold. I smile. It does not want to go away.

Did I dream you into life?

Or are you the life of my dreams?

~ Ray

Monday, 4 June 2012

My song of the month

Florence + The Machine - Shake it out



Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

New life...

There is this feeling I have been experiencing in the last few days, weeks actually. It is difficult to explain. A lump in the pit of my stomach. An excitement. A fear. The unknown, such a simple word, yet stretches so wide.  It is this that I have decided to embrace. This wide unknown.

A page in my book has been turned. I am changing aspects of my life that used to be my comfort zone. My calculated life of career over everything. Work has been something I can control to it's extreme. To the very last minute. I have decided to turn to life instead. The uncontrollable part of life. Am I scared? Shitless. Am I unsure if I am making the right decision. Absolutely. I do find myself happy though. In a good space. My head is in the right place.

Life is the new way forward. Friends. Family. Work. All balanced. They have to be. I have to force it, until it becomes natural and nature. Will it be something I have to adapt too, oh yes. But I am excited for it. I am looking out for the new adventure. Holidays. Old friend. New friends. Love. Heartbreak. Laughing and tears. This is what awaits me in the unknown. I am looking forward to it. To stumbling on the path, but always getting back up and moving forward.

I remember an old catholic joke about a man who spent his whole life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging "please, please, please, let me win the lottery." Finally the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down at the begging man and says "my son, please, please, please, buy a ticket." So now I get the joke, and I bought three tickets."