Anti-suicide note

In the end, I have come to believe in something – divine truth and guidance, if you will. Something isn’t beautiful because it lasts forever, because nothing lasts forever. The biggest mistake is getting attached to something that is only temporary, taking for granted the comfort of eternity and overestimating forever.

All things end. Physical health can change in a moment of reckless abandon or moment of passion. Mental health is just as fragile, and the smallest thing can break the strongest mind. Nothing lasts forever – be attached in that moment, but understand that change will happen. It is inevitable. A forever love today can become a broken heart tomorrow. Wealth in abundance this month can become bankruptcy next month. The truth is that when you believe something will last forever, you become careless and arrogant - creating the environment required for change and loss. We create exactly that which we fear most.

I am the living truth of this, in the last year everything in my life has changed: physical and mental health, finances, property, possessions and even “eternal” love. I understand now that if I had tried to control all of these elements and prevent the changes from happening, I would have destroyed what was left of me – and I would not have been able to achieve what I have now.

There is a strange sort of comfort and calmness that comes when you realise that everything ends. You suddenly realise that living is also temporary; it will end, but while you are still alive – make the most of it and give yourself what you deserve. Regardless of my HIV status, mental health breakdowns, weight, hair colour, height, gender or nationality – I can do something today that can help my tomorrow be better, even if I don’t get that tomorrow. I will love as though I will end tomorrow. I will laugh as if all that tomorrow will bring is tears. I will live, like everything ends tomorrow.

No more control is needed from me. All that I am responsible is making sure that I am living according to my values and moral beliefs and inviting only that which is worthy of me into my space – to share my time and my life with. Everything that happened before is nothing more than a roadmap of where I have come from and does not dictate where I will end up. You cannot run from the past, it’s already in the past; but you can learn from it and do something today that will make your tomorrow better.

If tomorrow does not come, then at least my energy can move on and become something that is not held back by regrets and unfinished business. There is nothing left to finish. I am shedding the attachments to my life that are not adding value, the people and things that only take and does not give back, letting go of things that cannot love me back and loving all that which has come and what is now – even the blade that cut my heart; I still love him with an open heart and forever will. A grudge is something that only holds me back; forgiveness is something that puts me ahead.

I forgive everyone that has wronged me, because they have become nothing but northern stars to lead me here, and most importantly I forgive myself for all that which I have done to hurt myself and those who love me.

I have once before written a suicide note, but this, this is my anti-suicide note.

Love is the only energy that has been around long before me, and will most definitely be here long after I have gone. As long as I have love, access to that divine power – then I am unstoppable and no mental or physical ailment will ever get me down.

Lets do this!
Love to you all!
Ry