The right amount of tick-tock

Has enough time passed for strangers to become friends again?

In my mind, perhaps it has - in your mind, I cannot tell...

I feel an overwhelming loneliness, anxiety and pain that resonates from your soul. My prayers are with you, as it always was.

Reach out to me when you are ready, when the time is right.

Memories...

Every now and then, out of the blue, your face pops into my head and your voice echos in my mind and I find myself transported to other times.

My heart pangs. My emotions flare.

I find myself missing you. Missing us.

Somewhere in time there is a golden nugget that shines with our story. We do have a story. A comfort in time.

Curse of knowledge

The more I learn and the more knowledge I obtain, stories of leather without the lace, 3 without the crowd, touch without the feel, the more I feel as though I have entered into a deep hole. This rabbit hole is endless and spans back to a walk on a winter eve, pondering the truths that are now rethought. Perhaps I never knew the real man inside, the real expression behind the mask and the true desire of the heart? Was I deceived for that long? The rabbit hole offers no answers sadly, rather offering more questions - perhaps, however, the answers lay in the cursed knowledge I continue to receive now. When all actions betray the promises made, when all of the present contradict that which was once desired, the conclusions are logical.

Perhaps this knowledge is a blessing wrapped in a curse; to give the insight needed to satisfy the rabbit hole.

Two kinds of people on this earth...

The older I get, the more of life’s crests and dips that I go through and ride out, I have become convinced that there are two kinds of people on this earth.

Through my many opportunities of watching people, of studying their movements and behaviours, to simple listening to my friends talk about their various lives, my thoughts about these groups of people have become more solidified and my understanding of this universal divide has become clearer. Apart from the countless number of boxes and subdivisions that humanity has places on all of its people, that marketing professionals have grouped humans into, what society has grouped us in and the racial drop-down of categories that is found on job applications, I have understood a different division of people that have never been clear to me.

Perhaps my thinking is archaic in this regard, maybe I am just delusional, but bear with me.

I think everyone has an acquaintance or a friend, maybe even a family member, who seems to have life pinned down. Someone who has their ship safely berthed in their harbour of life. The universe, God or simply random selection has ensured that these individuals have found their place in life and society with relative ease and minimal discomfort, selecting the appropriate career, finding a spouse or a relationship construct that works for them, always seeming to achieve professionally, having all the physical possessions that make them happy and content. Life, as glorious and traitorous it is, has given them its graces. These folks, I call, the settlers.

The settlers

This fragile world that we temporarily house our bodies in, need the settlers. This group of individuals are particularly good at keeping everything from economies to medicine stable and evolving at the pace that it needs to. The settlers are the stability that every society needs.

At this stage, I do need to make clear that I do not believe a settler to be a boring person, or group of people. Not at all. Within each settler there is a creative mind, a cerebral conscious, a spirit and a desire for some form of adventure. Fortunately for this particular group of people, due to the nature of their lives, usually there is funding or finance available to explore their passions and adventures. Travelling. Cooking classes. Sky diving. Climbing a mountain. Be inventive. Create something new and fantastic. However, throughout the adventure, there is a knowledge of temporary state of being, the comfort of knowing that the settlers home and routine is waiting, their creature comforts are an arm’s reach away. They step outside of their comfort zone for defined periods of time, sometimes unknowingly taking their comfort zones with them on their adventures.

The settlers are traditionally the individuals that are admired, that are considered to be inspirational and pin-ups on how to be a success in life. Rightfully so. No one can take away what has been achieved, the work that has been put in and the benefits that are enjoyed because of that work. It is theirs to claim and own outright.

Now, there are the other kinds of people, people who do not know what that comfortable feeling is of life gracing them with all its gifts and pleasures so easily. I call these folks, the explorers.

The explorers

Explorers have a different kind of life. The life of constant unease and internal urgency to go, go, go and find something else, to be somewhere else all the time.

An explorer has a lifestyle that seems very appealing, yet unattainable to the settlers. A life of constant adventure and change, evolution and inspiration. The explorer is used to having only temporary harbours to restock and take count, mentally and physically preparing for the next trip and next journey unknown. The explorer has no other choice but to live the lifestyle of the vagabond, moving around and having no comfort zone other than the comfort of something new. A new job will get boring after a few years and a change needs to happen, an apartment becomes a prison and a new housing is hunted down, new friends are constantly found and relationships are fierce, but brief. The explorer takes pleasure in the instability of it all, the excitement of experiencing something new, of interacting with new people and strange places, breathing in air that has yet been inhaled by them. The urge to move on is strong, almost primal, driving behaviour as much as hunger drives towards food.

The explorer, unlike the settler, truly sacrifices all that is comforting and secure for that which is unknown, taking nothing with them and living without the ultimate security of their safe life that awaits after a temporary adventure.

Often being good friends, explorers and settlers do get along famously, however neither can truly understand the lifestyle of the other. There is respect but no true understanding. The lifestyle of the other is inherently appealing to the other, the settler desires more freedom and the explorer long for more stability.

However, in a twist of fate, neither can truly embrace the lifestyle of the other, inevitably returning to that which is comforting and familiar.

Yes, the settler can make the conscious decision to live the life on the explorer, living the life of the vagabond, the reckless traveler and the worldwise passport holder, however, the universal force that calls the shots, will ensure that life returns back to that which is intended. Self-sabotage and unexplained emotions create the environment required to bring comfort, a settled life or an explorer life. I have seen it often in my dealings with people. The explorer that tries to settle down and create that stable life, or the settler that ditches it all to go and explore – temporary states of existence that cannot hold.

Eventually the converted explorer will be tempted into a stable job, a big house in the suburbs and the lifestyle of the comfortable and universally blessed. The converted explorer will find themselves finding ever more appealing reasons why their stable job is becoming stifling and excuses for leaving their suburban lifestyle behind for unknown horizons.

It is the way of their existence, the core of their desires.

Ultimately though, the two groups of people are each essential to the life and balance. The settlers provide inspiration for the explorers to achieve, and the explorers entice the settlers to life and go beyond that which they know. Roots of the earth, and wings of the wind.

The settlers and the explorers are in a constant dance around each other, interacting and altering realities, inspiring and changing perspectives. 

Admit it...

Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others.

Go where the love is...

Something cheesy

The month of December

December is a month that is a busy one for most. It is the festive season. Holidays. For me it even includes my birthday. And to top it all of it is the end of the year itself... and presents everyone with a fresh start.

December is also HIV/Aids day worldwide. Another day that has seemingly increased in importance for me. A cause that I fight for. A reality I live and breathe around me. A day to remember those who have gone before and who remain still to battle the illness that has taken over their bodies.

Yes, December is a special month. Birth. Death. New beginnings. Old ends.

Always remember and never forget, my dear friends and readers.

Be at peace
Ryno

Sad eyes

The world is breaking. I see it everywhere and feel it all over. The more we poison the earth the more we poison ourselves. Oh the world is broken!

If you cannot find a friend...

Happy Deepawali

For those who are celebrating! May the light bless you on this special day and for the year ahead!

Thought of the day (1011)

“You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvelous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Thought for the day (3110)

Roadblock

Since I started my various treatment earlier this year, and when my mental chemical state was shocked and medicated to normal - I noticed a very sharp decline in general acknowledgement of men or sex. I thought it was just the medication... but after asking my various doctors the medication is not responsible for a complete roadblock of sex drive.

Since my arrival in Chile I have been approached by a variety of Latino man... seems they like this tall glass of milk. But alas... fuckall! I feel rocks.

I did soul searching. Spiritual deep dives. The reason was out there! This roadblock is not for nothing...

I finally have the answer. I have become a demisexual. Turns out that this diagnosed hypersexual mind has embraced something new, something better. An approach that speaks to my heart and deepest desires.

Truth be told I am liking this. Go(o)d work!

Let's hurt

If I tell you that you hurt me, you are not allowed to tell me that you didn't.

Don't be mad!

Too much of love!

Until you leave...

Anti-suicide note

In the end, I have come to believe in something – divine truth and guidance, if you will. Something isn’t beautiful because it lasts forever, because nothing lasts forever. The biggest mistake is getting attached to something that is only temporary, taking for granted the comfort of eternity and overestimating forever.

All things end. Physical health can change in a moment of reckless abandon or moment of passion. Mental health is just as fragile, and the smallest thing can break the strongest mind. Nothing lasts forever – be attached in that moment, but understand that change will happen. It is inevitable. A forever love today can become a broken heart tomorrow. Wealth in abundance this month can become bankruptcy next month. The truth is that when you believe something will last forever, you become careless and arrogant - creating the environment required for change and loss. We create exactly that which we fear most.

I am the living truth of this, in the last year everything in my life has changed: physical and mental health, finances, property, possessions and even “eternal” love. I understand now that if I had tried to control all of these elements and prevent the changes from happening, I would have destroyed what was left of me – and I would not have been able to achieve what I have now.

There is a strange sort of comfort and calmness that comes when you realise that everything ends. You suddenly realise that living is also temporary; it will end, but while you are still alive – make the most of it and give yourself what you deserve. Regardless of my HIV status, mental health breakdowns, weight, hair colour, height, gender or nationality – I can do something today that can help my tomorrow be better, even if I don’t get that tomorrow. I will love as though I will end tomorrow. I will laugh as if all that tomorrow will bring is tears. I will live, like everything ends tomorrow.

No more control is needed from me. All that I am responsible is making sure that I am living according to my values and moral beliefs and inviting only that which is worthy of me into my space – to share my time and my life with. Everything that happened before is nothing more than a roadmap of where I have come from and does not dictate where I will end up. You cannot run from the past, it’s already in the past; but you can learn from it and do something today that will make your tomorrow better.

If tomorrow does not come, then at least my energy can move on and become something that is not held back by regrets and unfinished business. There is nothing left to finish. I am shedding the attachments to my life that are not adding value, the people and things that only take and does not give back, letting go of things that cannot love me back and loving all that which has come and what is now – even the blade that cut my heart; I still love him with an open heart and forever will. A grudge is something that only holds me back; forgiveness is something that puts me ahead.

I forgive everyone that has wronged me, because they have become nothing but northern stars to lead me here, and most importantly I forgive myself for all that which I have done to hurt myself and those who love me.

I have once before written a suicide note, but this, this is my anti-suicide note.

Love is the only energy that has been around long before me, and will most definitely be here long after I have gone. As long as I have love, access to that divine power – then I am unstoppable and no mental or physical ailment will ever get me down.

Lets do this!
Love to you all!
Ry

Tomorrow is never promised

As I wrestle with the fate of my body and mind, there is something I must always remember. Never wait for tomorrow to say what you feel today.

I miss him.

A bend in the river

The point came in my journey when I had to turn away from the artificial road of happiness and turn myself onto the authentic path of my life and to travel towards my sacred purpose. When you step onto this road you suddenly find that things in life start moving very fast, falling into place in ways unexpected but the ride becomes overwhelming at times - with a desire to put the brakes on - but I resist. I rely on the faith that I have in God for my purpose and route that He has put me on to get there.

There is a particular grace that you get endowed with when you swim with the current, suddenly finding the time to enjoy the feeling of water rushing past your skin. I wonder why I had been fighting this stream and attempting with all my might to swim against it- grasping at the life society, egocentricity and insecurities expected me to have. My desire to be liked and accepted has been too strong for many years, my need for fitting in and being good enough for others overwhelming and shadowing my true purpose. I found myself choking many times on the water that I was fighting; blurry eyes and a sore nose had stopped me from realising the errors in my way.

As I continued to swim downstream, enjoying the fluidity of my body in harmony with the water, I realise that I am alone. A path to authentic self (to your divine purpose) is inherently a lonely one. You suddenly start swimming away from everyone you know as they continue to fight the rapids - you start to realise that what (and who) once brought you comfort, the people whom you once admired and the love you once praised is now rapidly being left behind. For me, there was a tinge of sadness that crept over my otherwise happy self - I found my heart reaching out for those that I am leaving behind, reminded of the love that we have and the connections we had shared throughout the various stages of our lives.

The tears I cried became quickly absorbed and part of the sacred water that is ushering me away; further and further. I scream to those I leave behind, sending words of love and laughter, praying for their safe arrival at their ports and the happiness that they will reap from it, I try to warm of the dangers that I can see coming from my distance away - but I do not know if it has been listened too; I will not be around to see. Be careful of the dangers ahead when you are blinded by the waters you are fighting.

I smile inside knowing that for the precious few there is calm water ahead, just over the next rapid, and then they can enjoy the feeling of grace and fulfilment that they have longed for.

I give a final look back; final silver tears fall down my face as I pray silently to God, asking him if it is ever too late to start again? Will I one day see the echo of my heart again; will enough time ever pass to begin again? Do some phoenixes just never rise from the ashes? Is there a purpose to some friendships dissolving into time? Is loyalty a concept that has long since been forgotten in our time? Does forever really come sooner than expected? God, in all His wisdom, answered only with the happy chirping of birds and the distant sound of wind-chimes through the trees. I see a purple flower floating not far from me. I am in Go(o)d hands! I say a final prayer for those closest to my heart and turn away.

As I continue to float down this river of purpose I find myself connecting with other souls on the same journey, but at different parts of our stories. We learn, we share and we grow before parting ways - either to meet up again or to part ways knowing that some things have changed forever due to that interaction, however brief. I surrender to the journey, embracing every meander in the river and every patch of bubbling water as a gift and a blessing, I smile not for the destination (because I do not know where that is), but I smile for what I had been given up to now. The blessings, the memories and even the heart breaking pain that had been worth it - every single decision I had made and every single experience that I was fortunate to participate in, aided me in the forging of this life.

I cannot but love this man that is now flowing with the stream, with an ethereal smile on his face. He knows something that no one else does.

The secret of love.
The secret of life.

He knows God and He is good.