Wouldn't give nothing..

I wouldn't give nothing for my journey now, for my journey now. I wouldn't give nothing.

Totes agreed!

Decisions decisions

There comes a moment of honesty where you truly understand the effects of your decisions and action.

There is no hiding, there is no running and there is no denying the decisions made to bring us to the very point in our lives we find ourselves.

At the moment of clarity you look back and realise the reactions to the actions done were not always appropriate, and sometimes the action against you is the reaction to something else done.

It is a complicated seat of the soul we find ourselves in.

Thank you, for me

When making the decision to focus on being thankful and the positive, I had forgotten to think inward and be grateful for what I have and who I am and what I contributed and continue to contribute even if silently and from a distance. So here goes.

I am thankful for the intensity in which I love and had experienced love. With my full force and my full soul.

I am thankful that I have the freedom of giving to provide healing, happiness, fulfillment, comfort and security. Giving freely and with pure love. Letting go of a comforting darkness to embrace the unknown brightness of the light.

I am thankful for the home that I could and can provide to my friends and loved ones when their home no longer felt like home and when they had no where else to go.

I am thankful that I have had and continue to have the means to give as much as I can, to contribute financially as I can and help those who need the money. To have the ability to save and give from my heart and soul.

I am thankful that I have fought battles for others when they have been to broken or weak, to take the blows and absorb the effects without hesitation and with love. May I continue to have the strength.

I am thankful for the insight and vision received to prevent problems, to protect and to give advise. Perhaps not always applied or accepted, but provided when needed.

I am thankful for the courage to admit my mistakes and flaws, the wisdom to change that which I can, the heart to sacrifice that which was necessary, the tenacity to not allow my mistakes to define me and the power to stand up after the fall.

I am thankful for the compassion the understanding, open heart and Holy guidance to forgive and the belief in a happy future and hope for the love everlasting.

They say the quickest way to lose someone is to take them for granted, I have realised that it applies internally also. Regardless of my current state of health, the purity of my blood or the strength in my arms - now is when I stop taking myself for granted as others have. Believing in my own love, my desires and my strength to get me through, to obtain that which I desire and deserve and to thank God for all the gifts and blessings.

Learning every day...

I did!

Forgiven

At long last a broken mind has been able to reconcile the events of the past, finally understanding the checks and balances, seeing things for the brutal truth that they are and have been.

It is enough to sheer a heart into many pieces and fracture a soul into shards, yet it is a strange freedom and comfort. To be shown the truth, in all its detail and glory, a truth long denied and often overlooked and forgiven.

It is strange, the silent hope that remained, that flicker of light in the broken corners of my heart. A silent waiting for something to change. The silence was deafening and the waiting agonising. I had the solution but was gagged by many forces and limitations.

Finally I have reconciled the pain from the actions, understanding the actions and their root driver, putting the pieces together and finally getting my answers. The 3rd law of motion.

Oh how I loved you, with my all and everything, unconditionally and completely and shown and proved time and time again. I chose you, for all your flaws and loved you in spite of everything, giving much when I had little, giving what was in my means always. I loved you so strongly and so truly.

I chose now to no longer focus on the negative aspects of you, of us (although easier, is the cowardice thing to do). I have been praying and saying daily thanks for the blessings of our relationship and our love, the good lessons that I have learned from the hurt and dissapointment even at the bitter end. I have been blessed to feel love like I have, and to love as fiercely as I did. The biggest mistake of my life was generated out of the pure intensity of my love for you and I take that as a lesson in itself. It will become my greatest blessing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything good that you have done for me in the short time we were blessed together and thank you truly for the lessons learned from the hard times.

Thank you, TVK, and regardless if you read this, it is my written message for you, my thank you and my declaration. How I wish things could be different, however they are as they should be, the natural consequence and the 3rd law that applies so strongly.

As I said in a precious post, perhaps in days, weeks, months or years to come out paths will cross again and we will have grown enough as citizens of the universe to truly appreciate each other and be ready for the magnanimity of the love we shared and is destined for. A new beginning and completely clean start. All I can do is pray, always, for you and for me.

In another day and another life perhaps.

I forgive you, for all the pain, for all the hurt and for all the decisions that had a negative effect. I forgive you. I understand now. I have been given the answer and been given the clarity. I am so sorry for many things, but I am the most sorry that I could not save you, me or us. It weighed heavily on me for a long time and I carried much guilt.

I forgive myself for the bad decisions that I have made, for the hurt that I have caused and the pain that I inflicted. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness, and leave it to you. It is not something taken, it is given.

To the amazing victories and achievements of the future, may we be blessed. May we have in abundance and appreciate even the smallest of gifts and grace.

Be safe. Be strong. Be healthy. Be wise. Be valuable. Be good.

For the final time, until God decides different: I love you TVK, always did and probably always will. I miss you.

Go and be at peace, wander in joy and believe in magic.

Goodbye, farewell, so long and thank you!
Ry