In weeks past, almost counting 9 of them now, there have been some changes that have reshuffled and reshaped my life in astronomical ways. Where do I begin. How do you catalogue an event that happens internally? How do you notarize it, store it and remember it, it is something that happens on the inside.Most of the change was not in a form of a big explosion, I did not become a different person over night, it was smaller than that, far smaller, many little changes that happened close on each others' heals.
Most people would only notice the change if they bothered to look close enough, and thank heavens most people don't bother to care enough.
But you notice, you see the changes, you feel the changes. Unavoidable. You feel that changes in the fiber of your existence, and it is good. Some are scary.
Some are there to remind you of where you came from.
"Mmm, that boy has changed a lot in you hey?" Is something that I hear so often. No. That boy has changed nothing in me. Apart from making me happy. I have changed a lot in myself. Myself. These are my changes. He may have been a catalyst, or the reflection in the mirror may have been the catalyst, or a combination of both. Who knows. All I know, I have made changes. Big changes. Small changes. I have made them. No-one else. They are changes for me. They do not hitch on "that boy", they do not depend on him, they are mine, and mine alone...
A man - redesigned. A smile on my face, the glint in my eyes, the touch of my hand, will all remind you of how much I have changed. Who I am now, but not who I once was. So much has changed. An addiction no longer there. A reflection now loved. A confident walk - a strut. A life re-evaluated. Work put into perspective. Family accepted for their many flaws. A little blue box. A heart on a necklace. A ring around my neck.
A look inside. A deep look inside. Carefully pulling apart layers and layers of emotional blockages. Emotional scarring. A heart in pain. Layer upon layer of memories hidden and distorted by time and memory. Slowly I deal with each one. Tediously I deal with each issue. A past not always littered with glitter and gold. A lack of fear surrounding death. Burdens buried for years. What an existence to have lived. No wonder smiles never came easily. I lived a life of shadow, having given myself over to a corporation, losing myself, without fighting it. Giving myself freely. What a shell of a man I once was. Fragments and pieces of myself.
Many of the pieces examined, carefully cleaned and put back into place. Not all of them. Many of them. Majority of them. The pieces still missing make up the smallest fraction of what makes me whole.
"'n Stukkie le hier, en n stukkie le daar. Die stukkies van my lewe, hulle le, baie deurmekaar"
I love that song - on a separate note! Laugh out loud!
MY change, MY life, MY progress. This has been mine to own.
It does not belong to "that boy" as I get told, it is mine and mine alone. MY moments. MY change. MY victory.
