Now I cry

Many months ago, the man I love(d) made the decision to walk away from all that which we were, are and could be. It was without a doubt the most gut wrenching experience of my life. We had both shed so many tears about each other and that which we will no longer be. I cried a river of tears. We both cried rivers of tears.

Months later, I am still shown the life that is now being led. The lies that have permeated to the morals and values once established by the man I love(d). The betrayal of own self that is occurring on a frequent basis and has become a new established self. I do not want this, I do not want to see and I do not want to feel. I do not want to cry the tears for him anymore. Yet still I see, still I get shown.

I have asked God on many occasions why, I have had arguments and discussions about the intention behind these sights and sounds, these emotions and hurt. Why? Why? Why? Just when I feel like I have let go and the universe had let go, I get another dream or insight that reminds me of what is being done and brings tears rolling down my cheeks. Tears of pain and remorse. Tears of heartbreak for the one that walked away, still I care so much, still I love so much that I have a purpose to achieve. God has answered my questions.

I was put on this earth to help those who need it. I have been given gifts of sight and gifts of words to help, to guide and to assist those who are lost on the path. Even when I had made the biggest mistake of my adult life, even when I deceived the one I love(d) to win him back and keep him safe inside me, my gifts were at work and did not falter on their purpose - instead they were meant to help me and bring me back onto the path I was intended to be on, by force when needed. I need to help. I have to help. I have to stay true to myself, always. I had tried to control the actions to prevent the pain before, but the universe ensures that the lessons learned are done so in the fashion they are required. I am there to guide, not to control - as much as it may hurt me.

Jeff Brown said it best: You are a truly great love that had to be let go. You are from the angelic realms, brought here to show others what lives beyond the practical world. You are here to bring others closer to what they are meant to do. You show people all the beauty that is possible. You have to be let go, for a lesson to be learned.

This is my gift, that is my purpose - to bring people closer to themselves and to show those who have experienced my love what is possible beyond the practical perception of their lives. This is why my tears had to fall, continued to fall, until I had done what I was supposed to do. One way or another. I had to put the guidance of my gift into the realm and know that it will be read and understood in the right time and in the right frame of life for those who it is intended.

From the most unexpected source I was given an answer to a question: "What is a soulmate? Well it’s like a best friend but more. It’s the one person in the world who knows you better than anyone else. It’s someone who makes you a better person. Actually they don’t make you a better person, you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone you carry with you forever. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then possibly leave. A soulmates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.  It’s the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would, not even yourself. And no matter what happens, you’ll always love them, nothing can ever change that.

 The fact of the truth is that I am not in control of the actions that others chose to take. Their actions and the resulting consequences are theirs to carry - however I can give guidance before a bad decision is made, or I can be there to help correct and advise after a bad decision had been made. I have learned my lesson the hard way in attempting to take control of the actions of others, especially those I love the most - whenIi try and take control I also take on the responsibility, and the truth is that sometimes you have to fall to learn the lesson.

I am being shown so that I can guide. I am seeing so I can teach. There is an incomplete story that I have to complete. If I do not teach, I will be straying from my true path intended for me, if I force myself to walk away now I will betray that which I have been blessed with. I can teach, but it is not my decision if others chose to learn.

For those who read this, and the posts that follow, open your heart and open your mind. Feel the love that I write with and understand the purpose of my words. They are gifts from the universe.

Forever,
Ry

Moments of understanding...

Through some of my darkest of confusion, when I have asked God for an answer... He send it to me in a special way.

The Warrior

"The warrior’s version of sexuality was physicality and release. As we moved through our days, we continued to deepen our recognition of one another. We were together for the first time in this lifetime, and yet we both knew that this moment would come all along. We shared a quiet sense of each other that transcended language. In looking at each other, we stared at our own reflection. Whatever the manifest differences, they were transient, temporal. At the place of Essence, no difference.

We began to fight. Silly things. We didn’t fight because we didn’t love one another. We were miles from the ungrounded flight of fancy, the romantic illusion between two people who don’t really see each other. We were in the heart of Essence, and in this profound vulnerability we were confronted with its opposite. In this pure place, every painful association with vulnerability jumped up before us.

We slept on a mountain. In the morning we sat on its edge and welcomed the day. The valley felt crisper and more infinite with him beside me. He sat naked on a nearby rock. I longed to touch him, but there was no need—I was already touching him. We sat in silence, satiated by each other’s divinity.

It was so surprising to me that those annoying habits that drove me crazy in others were completely lovable with someone I had deep soul business with. With him, they were like little splashes in a vast ocean. Driving home, I felt like an escorted soul, in the safe hands of providence. A moment here was enough to transform consciousness forever.

I looked to my left and noticed a beautiful field of pink flowers between the two lanes. It was here to show me, in vivid color, the universe of perception waiting on the other side of perfect love. I would never have noticed it in my usual here now. Immaculate perception.

Back home, I became cynical about the connection. For two days I didn’t call him. I wondered if I had been seduced by a mad man. Our connection beckoned me toward a formlessness that was as terrifying as it was compelling. When finally we talked on the phone, the Warrior dropped to his knees. He had met his match. That afternoon I received a Rumi poem in the mail from him. Perfect timing: Don’t turn from the delight that is so close at hand! Don’t find some lame excuse to leave our gathering. You were a lonely grape and now you are sweet wine. There is no use in trying to become a grape again.

We continued to talk often, and I opened to this delightful feeling of relief. I didn’t realize how alone I was, until I wasn’t. It is such a relief when great love comes your way after so many years without it. Such a different universe. This love confirmed that I would rather have five minutes of soul love and a lifetime alone, than partner for fifty years with something less. Commitment in the absence of soul connection is just a business deal. With relief came a sense of vindication. When confronted with the usual commitment request from others, I had invariably recoiled. Now I understood why. I had preparatory commitments to honor: clearing the emotional debris that interfered with my capacity to partner, building the internal girders required to sustain a genuine commitment.

Before I could really take someone inside, I had to carve a space for him, a canyon for his river of love to run through. In truth, I had always intuited that a wondrous love connection was waiting in the (angel’s) wings. I felt it there, tugging at my soul sleeve, and knew that it would only come my way if I readied myself.

A good friend was always going on about the merits of practical love. For her it was quite simple—make a list of values and personality traits and marry the first person that checks off. Assembly-line love. But the pragmatists don’t realize what fifty years in the same room can feel like, particularly if there is no soul bridge between the two people. What happens if one partner begins to grumble for a more spiritual life? Will they be held back by the practical partnership they committed to seven years earlier? Do they adapt to the lowest common denominator and vibrate at the level of the least growth-full partner? Do they feign commonality at the expense of their clarity? Or do they walk away with three screaming children?"

- Extracted and amended from Soulshaping by Jeff Brown

I'm recent months I have had to be faced with a lot of truth from the past. Unlocking memories that were long forgotten, understanding the reality of what was. I had been with the Warrior. The fighter and the survivor. Never allowing true vulnerability nor being willing to let go of that which once gave him satisfaction and acceptance, rather turning from the real comfort and acceptance of love for the superficial and artificial.

There is no point in trying to become a grape again... scared grown up boy that is fighting against the many opportunities to surrender, to be and stay true to yourself or to become the frightened Warrior wanting to be in control.

I am so sorry for what you have become.

The mind of a child...

 What I have found and observed, in particular with my beautiful nieces, is that maturity can actually be seen as a hamper to advice and can cloud judgments. The mind of a child is something that is complex yet entirely simple in its approach to problem solving and seeing the world. Someone gets hurt, you say sorry and move on almost immediately. Solutions are provided that are simple and effective. There is no illusions of race, equality, gender, wealth or status – nothing is externally based.

I am constantly at awe with the simplicity of the child mind, the ease in which a perceived complex problem is broken down into the fundamentals and a solution is provided. I must wonder if adults are the root cause of over complicating emotions, problems and avoiding solutions where egos are involved. 

The respect for a fellow child, another small human, is absolute. Everyone is equal. My niece asked me one day where Karl was and why she no longer sees him and taking a deep breath I told her that Karl and I had a fight and we are no longer friends – something in my eyes must have betrayed my true emotion as she quickly came up to me and told me that “everything is okay” in her beautiful voice, and told me that I must just say sorry and that I will not do it again and become friends again.

Is a simple apology not good enough, with a sincere assurance of not repeating the mistake?

The result of betrayal is the same in children, however it is not permanent - I have observed this with my nieces also. They will be angry at a friend who "he broke a promise" but it will only be for a short while and once the importance of the friendship becomes apparent forgiveness could be given once more but with the absolute assurance and understanding of the value of the friendship to never repeat a mistake.

I must believe that it is really that simple.

Romans

Sometimes what needs to be said, has been said many years ago...

By candle light

My darling cat, Angel, in full view in candle light. So precious!

The strangest dream

I've had the strangest dream. We look behind us and see the city, we look around us and see 2 wooden crosses, we look at each other with tear stained cheeks. On the top of Golgotha we stand. Hand in hand.

Have we travelled far enough to allow our tears to fall? Have we shed the crosses meant to bear?

I've had the strangest dream. On top of Golgotha we kneel and seek forgiveness. Hand in hand. Tear for tear. A choir of Seraphim singing songs of light.

Have we travelled far enough to allow our tears to fall? Has the light been shined on all the places where darkness looms?

I've had the strangest dream. Two branches from the trees of olives handed to us. An aid to walking on this path forward.

Here I stand on top Golgotha and see the city before me and the cross beside me. The Angel choir singing of light. The walking stick in my hand. The tears below my cheeks. A hand is stretched out, waiting for its counterpart to take.

We have travelled far enough to allow our tears to fall.