As long as I need

In the light of my life heading into a new direction, the right direction, I still catch myself constantly saying goodbye to my ex. Constantly. Once a week. I need to continue saying goodbye for as long as I need. I hear footsteps by my flat and I look up with a strange expectation inside me - unrealistic and unwarranted to be sure, but would I not look to see if it is him coming to see me. I am not entirely sure why. At this stage in my life I have come to far to return to what broke me, I do not want to go back to what broke me. Missing someone is not to be misconstrued as a desire to have them back, because who he has become now is not the man I fell in love with (not from the outside at least, perhaps inside is a different story) - I miss who he once promised me he wants to be.

I know that he holds much anger towards me, and that it is still consuming. Frankly that is his heart and what he chooses to feed and keep alive. I have no intention of fighting for him, trying once again to prove my own worth to him, working hard to become the best man for him, when in reality I always was - it is my turn at life. I know my worth and I know my value to the one that will be privileged enough to have my heart one day - that man will fight with everything inside of him to have my love.

I heard this song in a movie and decided to dedicate it to his post - may it's words reach the one it is meant for.

Perhaps my heart is wanting one more night, one final try, one last chance at love with this broken man I loved so much - forgiveness through love and intimacy. Love heals all.

An expectation that is unrealistic, naive and based on previous experience and learning - implausible. On the 30th of August I am boarding a plane with a one way ticket to a new life - I will leave here without regrets and unfinished business, and although it would be preferable to leave knowing that things between me and my ex are on a clean slate; it is not required for my success and does not influence my forgiveness of him.

In a trance I thought of and spoke a poem, it was very bizarre and never did happen before. Regardless, here it is. What was meant to be written is meant to be written.

- - - - -

In my dreams I see you

From my heart I hear you

In the darkness I feel you

I see the light beckon to you

It was not once that I lost you

Every day, at least once, I lose you

My prayers remain the same for you

Protection bestowed remains on you

A tear still falls just for you

I am grateful always for you

Now I have seen all that is you

Forever in my heart a space for you

Yes, I will continue to love you

Always I will miss you

Forgiveness in time of me from you

A goodbye to say, specially for you

- - - - -

I have come to a point in my life here I have to say goodbye to many people and things - a lingering promise of that which will follow in time. I start a new life, I let go of the old and embrace the true path of my journey, my authentic self and Godwork. There is nothing I value more than knowing I am following the real path of my life, the true purpose of my existence and doing that which I had always promise and told myself I wanted. 

There are very many words left inside of me, very many things still to say. All in time. When I am on point I am a juggernaut that is an unstoppable force of sight and might - and I am on point.

Thank you, my readers - let there be love.

Ry