A bend in the river

The point came in my journey when I had to turn away from the artificial road of happiness and turn myself onto the authentic path of my life and to travel towards my sacred purpose. When you step onto this road you suddenly find that things in life start moving very fast, falling into place in ways unexpected but the ride becomes overwhelming at times - with a desire to put the brakes on - but I resist. I rely on the faith that I have in God for my purpose and route that He has put me on to get there.

There is a particular grace that you get endowed with when you swim with the current, suddenly finding the time to enjoy the feeling of water rushing past your skin. I wonder why I had been fighting this stream and attempting with all my might to swim against it- grasping at the life society, egocentricity and insecurities expected me to have. My desire to be liked and accepted has been too strong for many years, my need for fitting in and being good enough for others overwhelming and shadowing my true purpose. I found myself choking many times on the water that I was fighting; blurry eyes and a sore nose had stopped me from realising the errors in my way.

As I continued to swim downstream, enjoying the fluidity of my body in harmony with the water, I realise that I am alone. A path to authentic self (to your divine purpose) is inherently a lonely one. You suddenly start swimming away from everyone you know as they continue to fight the rapids - you start to realise that what (and who) once brought you comfort, the people whom you once admired and the love you once praised is now rapidly being left behind. For me, there was a tinge of sadness that crept over my otherwise happy self - I found my heart reaching out for those that I am leaving behind, reminded of the love that we have and the connections we had shared throughout the various stages of our lives.

The tears I cried became quickly absorbed and part of the sacred water that is ushering me away; further and further. I scream to those I leave behind, sending words of love and laughter, praying for their safe arrival at their ports and the happiness that they will reap from it, I try to warm of the dangers that I can see coming from my distance away - but I do not know if it has been listened too; I will not be around to see. Be careful of the dangers ahead when you are blinded by the waters you are fighting.

I smile inside knowing that for the precious few there is calm water ahead, just over the next rapid, and then they can enjoy the feeling of grace and fulfilment that they have longed for.

I give a final look back; final silver tears fall down my face as I pray silently to God, asking him if it is ever too late to start again? Will I one day see the echo of my heart again; will enough time ever pass to begin again? Do some phoenixes just never rise from the ashes? Is there a purpose to some friendships dissolving into time? Is loyalty a concept that has long since been forgotten in our time? Does forever really come sooner than expected? God, in all His wisdom, answered only with the happy chirping of birds and the distant sound of wind-chimes through the trees. I see a purple flower floating not far from me. I am in Go(o)d hands! I say a final prayer for those closest to my heart and turn away.

As I continue to float down this river of purpose I find myself connecting with other souls on the same journey, but at different parts of our stories. We learn, we share and we grow before parting ways - either to meet up again or to part ways knowing that some things have changed forever due to that interaction, however brief. I surrender to the journey, embracing every meander in the river and every patch of bubbling water as a gift and a blessing, I smile not for the destination (because I do not know where that is), but I smile for what I had been given up to now. The blessings, the memories and even the heart breaking pain that had been worth it - every single decision I had made and every single experience that I was fortunate to participate in, aided me in the forging of this life.

I cannot but love this man that is now flowing with the stream, with an ethereal smile on his face. He knows something that no one else does.

The secret of love.
The secret of life.

He knows God and He is good.

So it was said...

Words that eco the silent whispers of my heart.

The life I promised myself

I have spent the last few months, days, hours and minutes in deep thought, trying to reconcile the realities that I face into something that is coherent and understandable to my mind. The fact is that so much has happened in my life that it becomes a challenge to truly apprehend the full scope of it. I have been blessed with good memories that I will carry with me forever - moments that can never be relived or replaced. Truly blessed beyond reason.

The more time that I have spent excogitating this mass of information, the more patterns I am able to extract and become aware of - the path that I walked and the only conclusion that it could have led me too. Hindsight is a truly amazing gift; if you chose to use it correctly. The harsh, unvarnished truth of the matter is that my life up to now had been lived and crafted in all the wrong ways - I gave my heart to people who cared more about their life of facades, I had a car meant for road trips on roads endlessly explored, I lived in a house I bought for two on my own, I had a career that does not interest me anymore and I lived in a country that no longer felt like home. That was not the life that I had always wanted; the simple life that is devoid of drama and filled with love in abundance and happiness in endless measures - I lived a life that had become expected, in a country that is on the verge of collapse.

I made the decision to leave not because I felt like running, no, I made it simply to go and find the life that I had dreamed of and promised to myself. I am tired of endless conversations with no action, I have no interest in the suburban lifestyle or endless passport hunting to fulfil some external checkbox, I have no more interest in debt or having so much material belongings that I valued but I do not value myself. I am tired of waiting for others to catch up; at a great cost to myself. It is my time now.

I must come to the realisation and accept that all the negative things that have happened to me in my life had brought with it the most positive of results, if my father had not left, if I did not sacrifice for my family and friends, if I did not pursue the endless corporate dungeon, if I did not lose myself, if I did not lose a love, if I did not cry Cancer and if I did not wear a crimson ribbon around my heart and if I did not leave my job - I would have NEVER had the courage to change that which I needed to change about myself. If my life had turned out in any way other way than it did, I would be a broken man that walks around the world - being content with the pretence of happiness and not realising that I am broken.

If all my decisions were different I would never have seen the artificial people that I used to consider friends, who turned out to be akin to mascara - running at the first sight of tears. I would have continued being trapped in a glass prison of my own creation. No more.

I left knowing that I have been brave and humble enough to admit my deepest flaws, carried the responsibilities of my decisions with pride, acknowledged my insecurities and the pain that I had caused others - I will leave knowing that I am the best man now, suffering under no illusions; an authentically powered self. I have left knowing that I have done what I was meant to and saddened only by the cowardice of others - but remaining happy in the knowledge that one day they will become wiser and braver and content with knowing that everything is as it should be.

Slowly I start saying goodbye to the life of old, as the gears of my decision continue to turn and the eventuality of my choices becomes solidified and actioned. I say thank you to the journey – the endless adventure of following the dreams of childhood.

What dreams have you made that you are not pursuing?

All the best
Ry

The endless child

As I sit here in this beautiful park that is bustling with people, I forget so easily that which I have to be thankful for.

An old dame walked past me with ice cream in hand, cooling down after the hot spring day. At first you don't see it, that special something that crowns her head of silver hair - her greatest accomplishment and silent gift from God. A few paces behind her walks her beautiful daughter, also with an ice cream in hand - very few see her for what she is.

Society has belittled her and made her out to be a genetic anomaly and sick - but she is perfect in her way, in His image. You see, the beautiful daughter of the crowned dame has features that are unmistakable, she had Down’s syndrome.

A few paces ahead, the dame stops and turns to wait for her gift - with a gentle smile that only a mother can give she puts her arm around her daughter and is quickly rewarded with the beautiful smile of her beautiful daughter.

Is it not so blatant to see, but the beautiful daughter has such an important role to play in this world. Before the adult mind consumes and external influences corrupt the purity, a child gives the purest and most sincere love and compassion. Is this not her gift to the world, the gift of the endless child? Is that look in her eyes and smile on her face not innocent and unconditional love to her mother? Is that not the lesson that we have to learn from these silent angels? Do we need to learn how to love as children do, to see the world in its purest and most uncomplicated form?

What about the crowned dame? Was she no chosen to play such an important role? She was chosen by God, seen to be fit and with strong enough to birth and take care of His greatest of gifts. The plans that she may have had for her life was a sacrifice that she made out of love for her daughter – without complaint or prejudice she has and will continue her role as mother and provider until she no longer can – her crowning glory.

As I sit absorbed in this very simple scene of love, another emotion starts to creep into my heart – sadness. I am not sad for the crowned dame or her beautiful daughter, but for the gifts that I have overlooked, the silent messages of these angels that I never learned. It is so easy to focus on our own aches and pains and forget the bigger picture; I wake up in pain most mornings with muscles that ache and scream in protest against the medication that I consume – but I still can wake up and walk 10kms to and from work, I could still navigate the park and the city. Yes, perhaps my mental state is not what it always was; I have short term memory problems and BiPolar disorder and at times my mind is fried and foggy – but I am fully able to live. What reason do I really have to complain? Absolutely nothing.

I am fortunate that I have two sets of medication that I can consume to ensure my continued health and longevity; only having to deal with side effects and adaption to lifestyle. There is no medication for the silent angels that spread their message – they are bound to their teachings for life. Are we not incredibly blessed?

I have loved with all my heart, made decisions that changed my life, allowed pain and disorder, had the strength to put myself back onto a path that pleases me and have had the capacity to adapt my life to the requirements of my health – what I am, is God’s perfection. My life is truly the perfect conclusion of every single decision that I have made, and only I can make decisions that impact me, no one can influence me to do something that I do not want to – I am fully in control.

Enjoy your ice cream and the beautiful weather, you amazing gift of Gods perfection – enjoy the life and embrace the world that you see so purely. May your lesson and song be heard and seen by many more, may you fulfil the purpose of Gods will and your life continued to be a blessed one.

I am learning, finally hearing the silent song of the blessed endless children.

God bless the silent angels and watch over their strong protectors.

Amen

My new start....!

Now that I have had a few days to settle in and find my feet and mind after my move, I had the time to contemplate my decision and the method in which I left. In reality I had 7 weeks to pack up my life and get my affairs in order before my flight, and now, in retrospect I realise that it was possibly the very best way that it could have happened for me – no time to think, deliberate and convince myself  that I may be making a mistake. It was run, run, run right to the airport.

On the airplane I came to the conclusion that my life has walked me into a very strange path, and in actual fact I was not even regretful of a single moment of pain and betrayal that I had felt, every mind altering sentence and action, every lie told and received – I regretted nothing of it. I was on an adventure of life, for life, about life – something that I had always wanted to do and now finally had the opportunity and the freedom to accomplish.

On my departure I had said goodbye to everyone that I loved, some in person and some via alternative means, but I managed to say goodbye. I cried an excessive amount, but also much less than I actually thought I would be – perhaps when you start walking the real path of life, the sadness is not as overwhelming.

As my thoughts were dancing over the memories of the past and the whine of the Rolls Royce engines, I flashed to the last words that I had spoken to the old love that I had dedicated so much of myself too – those last words were a lie. My last and final gift to him and freedom from artificial loyalty and binds that may have occurred – if there was nothing else that I had learned from his behaviour of the past events, it is that taking responsibility and accountability for his mistakes and manning up to them is not a strong point; in fact he is a master of disguising and redirecting that responsibility. So I made the decision for him and largely for me to set him free from me. I had accepted my responsibility and had taken accountability for my life and its path – I smiled. I had taken care of myself and thought exclusively of myself for a change.

Here I am, in a strange new city, surrounded by another language and a view of spectacular mountains  - I am safe, and although my mind and body are not as strong as they used to be or I would like them to be, I am no-the-less  happy and stronger than ever before. Spiritually I have been blessed and I am on a level never before achieved, content and peaceful in new ways. There is a beautiful calm that comes from totally and completely looking at yourself and realising that the good and particularly the bad aspects of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to run from but something to embrace – and only when that has happened can you start to mold and reshape yourself into the person that you are meant to be.

I may not have much money, I may not have people here to rely on and I may not speak the language but I am myself – in harmony with the darkness and the light. I am on a path of life that few can scarcely imagine or understand and I am going to be achieving things that I have never thought possible before. This is a journey that you can only be on when you are in harmony and balance within yourself and no longer hiding or manipulating the world around you to maintain a mask and facade.

In reality the truth does not change based on your ability to stomach it. The truth remains the truth, concrete and absolute; it will reveal itself and come to the surface of all other things.

I have seen people enter and leave my life, showing themselves for who they truly are – and although it is painful and it my heart was hurt, I am thankful that I have been shown the truth in loyalty of people that I used to put all my trust in. Some have surprised me with the level of their love for me, coming to my aid when they did not have to – friendships re-emerging stronger than before, new friendships and bonds were developed through tears and understanding.

It has been an amazing journey and I wear my crimson badge with pride.

I see in the distance my long way home, a journey of millions of steps – starting with one.