The more time that I have spent excogitating this mass of information, the more patterns I am able to extract and become aware of - the path that I walked and the only conclusion that it could have led me too. Hindsight is a truly amazing gift; if you chose to use it correctly. The harsh, unvarnished truth of the matter is that my life up to now had been lived and crafted in all the wrong ways - I gave my heart to people who cared more about their life of facades, I had a car meant for road trips on roads endlessly explored, I lived in a house I bought for two on my own, I had a career that does not interest me anymore and I lived in a country that no longer felt like home. That was not the life that I had always wanted; the simple life that is devoid of drama and filled with love in abundance and happiness in endless measures - I lived a life that had become expected, in a country that is on the verge of collapse.
I made the decision to leave not because I felt like running, no, I made it simply to go and find the life that I had dreamed of and promised to myself. I am tired of endless conversations with no action, I have no interest in the suburban lifestyle or endless passport hunting to fulfil some external checkbox, I have no more interest in debt or having so much material belongings that I valued but I do not value myself. I am tired of waiting for others to catch up; at a great cost to myself. It is my time now.
I must come to the realisation and accept that all the negative things that have happened to me in my life had brought with it the most positive of results, if my father had not left, if I did not sacrifice for my family and friends, if I did not pursue the endless corporate dungeon, if I did not lose myself, if I did not lose a love, if I did not cry Cancer and if I did not wear a crimson ribbon around my heart and if I did not leave my job - I would have NEVER had the courage to change that which I needed to change about myself. If my life had turned out in any way other way than it did, I would be a broken man that walks around the world - being content with the pretence of happiness and not realising that I am broken.
If all my decisions were different I would never have seen the artificial people that I used to consider friends, who turned out to be akin to mascara - running at the first sight of tears. I would have continued being trapped in a glass prison of my own creation. No more.
I left knowing that I have been brave and humble enough to admit my deepest flaws, carried the responsibilities of my decisions with pride, acknowledged my insecurities and the pain that I had caused others - I will leave knowing that I am the best man now, suffering under no illusions; an authentically powered self. I have left knowing that I have done what I was meant to and saddened only by the cowardice of others - but remaining happy in the knowledge that one day they will become wiser and braver and content with knowing that everything is as it should be.
Slowly I start saying goodbye to the life of old, as the gears of my decision continue to turn and the eventuality of my choices becomes solidified and actioned. I say thank you to the journey – the endless adventure of following the dreams of childhood.
What dreams have you made that you are not pursuing?
All the best
Ry
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