My new start....!

Now that I have had a few days to settle in and find my feet and mind after my move, I had the time to contemplate my decision and the method in which I left. In reality I had 7 weeks to pack up my life and get my affairs in order before my flight, and now, in retrospect I realise that it was possibly the very best way that it could have happened for me – no time to think, deliberate and convince myself  that I may be making a mistake. It was run, run, run right to the airport.

On the airplane I came to the conclusion that my life has walked me into a very strange path, and in actual fact I was not even regretful of a single moment of pain and betrayal that I had felt, every mind altering sentence and action, every lie told and received – I regretted nothing of it. I was on an adventure of life, for life, about life – something that I had always wanted to do and now finally had the opportunity and the freedom to accomplish.

On my departure I had said goodbye to everyone that I loved, some in person and some via alternative means, but I managed to say goodbye. I cried an excessive amount, but also much less than I actually thought I would be – perhaps when you start walking the real path of life, the sadness is not as overwhelming.

As my thoughts were dancing over the memories of the past and the whine of the Rolls Royce engines, I flashed to the last words that I had spoken to the old love that I had dedicated so much of myself too – those last words were a lie. My last and final gift to him and freedom from artificial loyalty and binds that may have occurred – if there was nothing else that I had learned from his behaviour of the past events, it is that taking responsibility and accountability for his mistakes and manning up to them is not a strong point; in fact he is a master of disguising and redirecting that responsibility. So I made the decision for him and largely for me to set him free from me. I had accepted my responsibility and had taken accountability for my life and its path – I smiled. I had taken care of myself and thought exclusively of myself for a change.

Here I am, in a strange new city, surrounded by another language and a view of spectacular mountains  - I am safe, and although my mind and body are not as strong as they used to be or I would like them to be, I am no-the-less  happy and stronger than ever before. Spiritually I have been blessed and I am on a level never before achieved, content and peaceful in new ways. There is a beautiful calm that comes from totally and completely looking at yourself and realising that the good and particularly the bad aspects of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to run from but something to embrace – and only when that has happened can you start to mold and reshape yourself into the person that you are meant to be.

I may not have much money, I may not have people here to rely on and I may not speak the language but I am myself – in harmony with the darkness and the light. I am on a path of life that few can scarcely imagine or understand and I am going to be achieving things that I have never thought possible before. This is a journey that you can only be on when you are in harmony and balance within yourself and no longer hiding or manipulating the world around you to maintain a mask and facade.

In reality the truth does not change based on your ability to stomach it. The truth remains the truth, concrete and absolute; it will reveal itself and come to the surface of all other things.

I have seen people enter and leave my life, showing themselves for who they truly are – and although it is painful and it my heart was hurt, I am thankful that I have been shown the truth in loyalty of people that I used to put all my trust in. Some have surprised me with the level of their love for me, coming to my aid when they did not have to – friendships re-emerging stronger than before, new friendships and bonds were developed through tears and understanding.

It has been an amazing journey and I wear my crimson badge with pride.

I see in the distance my long way home, a journey of millions of steps – starting with one.