Truth

Soon my truths will be spoken and revealed. My experiences and observations. Are you all ready?

As long as I need

In the light of my life heading into a new direction, the right direction, I still catch myself constantly saying goodbye to my ex. Constantly. Once a week. I need to continue saying goodbye for as long as I need. I hear footsteps by my flat and I look up with a strange expectation inside me - unrealistic and unwarranted to be sure, but would I not look to see if it is him coming to see me. I am not entirely sure why. At this stage in my life I have come to far to return to what broke me, I do not want to go back to what broke me. Missing someone is not to be misconstrued as a desire to have them back, because who he has become now is not the man I fell in love with (not from the outside at least, perhaps inside is a different story) - I miss who he once promised me he wants to be.

I know that he holds much anger towards me, and that it is still consuming. Frankly that is his heart and what he chooses to feed and keep alive. I have no intention of fighting for him, trying once again to prove my own worth to him, working hard to become the best man for him, when in reality I always was - it is my turn at life. I know my worth and I know my value to the one that will be privileged enough to have my heart one day - that man will fight with everything inside of him to have my love.

I heard this song in a movie and decided to dedicate it to his post - may it's words reach the one it is meant for.

Perhaps my heart is wanting one more night, one final try, one last chance at love with this broken man I loved so much - forgiveness through love and intimacy. Love heals all.

An expectation that is unrealistic, naive and based on previous experience and learning - implausible. On the 30th of August I am boarding a plane with a one way ticket to a new life - I will leave here without regrets and unfinished business, and although it would be preferable to leave knowing that things between me and my ex are on a clean slate; it is not required for my success and does not influence my forgiveness of him.

In a trance I thought of and spoke a poem, it was very bizarre and never did happen before. Regardless, here it is. What was meant to be written is meant to be written.

- - - - -

In my dreams I see you

From my heart I hear you

In the darkness I feel you

I see the light beckon to you

It was not once that I lost you

Every day, at least once, I lose you

My prayers remain the same for you

Protection bestowed remains on you

A tear still falls just for you

I am grateful always for you

Now I have seen all that is you

Forever in my heart a space for you

Yes, I will continue to love you

Always I will miss you

Forgiveness in time of me from you

A goodbye to say, specially for you

- - - - -

I have come to a point in my life here I have to say goodbye to many people and things - a lingering promise of that which will follow in time. I start a new life, I let go of the old and embrace the true path of my journey, my authentic self and Godwork. There is nothing I value more than knowing I am following the real path of my life, the true purpose of my existence and doing that which I had always promise and told myself I wanted. 

There are very many words left inside of me, very many things still to say. All in time. When I am on point I am a juggernaut that is an unstoppable force of sight and might - and I am on point.

Thank you, my readers - let there be love.

Ry

The ManChild

A love told me once, that in every future that he saw with me - I outgrow him and that if he stays he will be dragging me down with him. I battled with this, for a long time, almost a year in fact. I had always believed that it was the same as "it is not you, its me", you know, letting someone down easy. For so long I had become used to diminishing my own journey and the absolute magnanimity of my lifes work, of my life.

Had it been so easy to admire another, idolise or revere another to such a high regard that I had entirely overlook your own greatness, my own achievements and the fact that my life has and is on a road of inspiration? As I started peeling away the layers of what I had come to believe and what I had accepted for so long, I began to identify the magic inside of me. Eventually enough walls were broken down and enough curtains opened to see that he was correct all along. Regardless of the intention of his words those evenings, he had been speaking the truth of the reality - had he eventually seen that which I am, and when faced with our side by side reflections in the Godmirror; was the unvarnished facts to much to accept and bare?

Had the "manchild" actually outgrown the "self actualized adult" already? Years ago. After finding out the hard facts one November only 6 months into the relationship, and having the passion and love to forgive even then - had I not outgrown him then already? My best friend has heard the tears that day and received the phonecall with the truth found. I had the courage to face my pains and hurts straight on, one after another, defeating the darkness with loving light and evolving in leagues. It is actually amusing and awe-inspiring to me, my roots had been growing all along - even when I had been plunged into the darkness. Is the willingness to step outside of the comfort bubble not more growth than someone who holds on to theirs with both hands, legs and chains? Who can tell.

What I do know, what I do see, the untouchable figure with a darkness around. The truth was spoken that night, I see that now.

My precious things

In my life I have managed to accumulate a lot of objects and things, often being told that I am like my father who had a tendency to hoard. At some stage in my more recent years I had come to realise that I have to scale down my collection and get rid of the clutter that had surrounded me.

At some point the truth of life hits you in the face and you realise that personal value does not come from the amount of stuff you have surrounding you, but rather from within. Suddenly all the objects and stuff becomes nothing more than wasted space, reminders of a past that will not be forgotten and irrelevant old objects of illusional value.

Since making my decision to leave, I have had to be faced with parting with my stuff that once comforted me and gave me the false sense of security and value. Some are to be sold and some are to be gifted to others, however there are a few objects that hold a very special value to me. I call them my "precious things". These items do not necessarily hold a high financial value but the sentimental value is beyond measure to me and I simply cannot and will not ever part with them.

Happily I can take some of my precious things with me, a wooden cross gifted to me on a magic night next to a freezing lake (is coming with), 2 stunning decanters that were gifted to me as a housewarming gift when I moved into this very house (will be given to a family member to guard over and keep safe), a collection of Buddha's in different shapes and sizes (all but one coming with me, and the rest to be gifted to those spiritual beings that will appreciate them), a chain and cross holding a titanium ring that was gifted to me on 2 spacial occasions (will always remain around my neck as reminders), a sharks tooth and hat from a lost love (will come with me as a constant adventure companion and ode), a box with diamonds, a crimson promise of a life now mine and written letters and poems and even tickets to every concert attended (will be left behind in a safe for protection), 2 little books of wonderful words of love which was sadly never really loved up to (shall remain behind in the box of memories), a hand fan gifted to me by my dear grandmother (shall stay behind in her daughter's house), and lastly my most precious of possession: a delicate glass bowl with a cork lid that inside contains a dried rose from every bunch of flowers ever received out of love, this is my greatest prize and most sentimental object - a bowl of love. This object will be locked away in a safe place for the safest of keeping, in it is my heart.

As I see things starting to lessen, objects starting to decrease and become lesser, I am sad - I have cried many tears, but I am happy deep inside. To part with these objects I once thought of as precious and that gave me value, is liberating and frees my mind for true value - self value. God value.

Goodbye to my precious things. Hello to the precious me.

Groet sonder woorde

Laat ons nie praat nie, die tyd is verby, niemand is kwaad nie en albei is vry.

Kom kyk deur die ruite, die nag staan in blom, woorde hoort buite, want hartseer is stom.

Lê jou kop hier teen my skouer laat jou hart sy paaie gaan stilweg word ons wys en ouer eendag sal ons dalk verstaan.

Maar tot die ryp kraak onder skoene wat geen ander haard of tuiskoms ken gun ek my nog visioene van een wat die hele wêreld wen.

Jy hoor my nie meer nie, ek sê maar totsiens

Ek sal jou nie steur nie, ek loop ongesiens, want jy is in oorde waar drome nog blom, ek groet sonder woorde, want hartseer is stom.

En jy is in oorde waar drome nog blom, ek groet sonder woorde, want hartseer is stom

* * * * *

One of my favourite songs. Fitting for this time in my life.

Ry

A minute in my head!

Welcome to the world of the introvert!

A last suicide.

After much deliberation and debate with my support group, their wisdom and argument has swayed me to create this post. I have discussed with them all the facets of my suicide in depth, having webinars and seminars on it - I am blessed to have been able to help anyone with my experience. The final webinar that I will have with those amazing people started with me sharing my suicide note - the last note that I wrote the night of my attempt.

For a long time it was something that I thought was shame, however, once I had finished reading it and I had received the tearful responses from faces on a screen - I realised that it is actually the opposite. It is the most truthful form of communication and it shows a lot of me and my inner workings. A few listeners even commented and said that everyone should be as lucky to ever receive such love from another. I have been complimented and in the same breath been guided to the true value and meaning of love and my heart.

I share this letter now with you, the universe. It is no longer shame. It is not something that I feel needs to be hidden from the world, but rather given to it. It has helped some, perhaps it can help others. Please read it for what it is. Understand it from your heart.

(In respect I have replaced the name of the person whom it was addressed too)

* * * * *


My dearest Ryan

This is the most difficult letter that I have ever had to write but at the same time the easiest. I am writing to you last, you are my final goodbye simply because it is you.

I am sure that by now you have heard the news about my work and you have been told the truth about my deception over the last few months. I can almost feel your rage, your anger and the intensive disappointment and confusion you are feeling. I cannot begin to describe the internal war that has been waged inside my head and my heart. The pain is unbearable. I am so sorry for that which I have done to hurt you, to deceive you and to inflict harm – I was not myself, I don’t know who I was.

My heart has been so fixated on getting you back, on keeping you in my life, on winning and earning back your love, to become worthy of your love again – that my head decided to stand back and my heart took over and the most irrational parts of myself took over and started making decisions. Please do not look at it as the betrayal that it is perceived as, rather look at it as the biggest compliment that I could ever give you – may it show you the absolute extents that I was willing to go through for you and for your love. I have sacrificed everything in the pursuit of your love and affection.

Again I am so sorry.

By the time that you receive this letter, you would have probably felt that which will come to pass. God would have let you know before the rest that I have gone Home. I am ready. I feel no more fear for death. It is a Thursday, and you know I have always wanted to die on a Thursday. Please know that my decision to take my life is not anything that you could have prevented or stopped, it was also not as a direct result of you or your actions, it was truly and only my decision to make. What I did to you, and to my family, friends and colleagues is utterly unforgivable and this way they will no longer feel the shame for my actions – I am removing myself from their pain and removing my pain.

I want to tell you, for the last and final time that I love you. I have loved you from day 2 and that love has never faltered or changed. What I feel for you cannot be described only by those 3 words but it is all I have. I love you. If only I had been truly worthy and enough for you, if only I had done more to be enough, maybe I would have still had you in my life and you in my heart. Regardless, that horse has bolted and everything is as it should be. I love you, so much with my all and everything. I can live without you, and I have proven that to myself, but importantly I have chosen that I do not want to live without you – not for a single day longer. The thought of the disappointment that I have caused you, is enough to make me feel small and to make me weep tears of regret and sorrow unknown. I love you and I am so sorry. Know this always.

You are an amazing man, a stunning man, an inspirational man and the most beautiful man in the world, Ryan, and I am so blessed and so lucky to have had you in my life for the short time that I did. I could call you “my love” and you would respond. It was a blessing. The magnitude of the blessing I only realize now, after the fact. It is funny how life does that to a person. Always know that you your worth and should you falter and forget, just remember that there was once a man that could not imagine another day without you. That, dear Ryan, is how much you are worth – settle for nothing less.

I want you to know that I was surrounded by our memories when I die. Next to me is all the photos that I had taken down from my walls only months ago, they are all there on my bed, the smiling happy faces of our love shining out at me. The song that I dedicated to you on our first anniversary is playing in the background, it is a beautiful song. I have a shirt of yours that I found in my cupboard in the back, it smells like you and I am holding it tightly to myself to feel you one last time, to hold you as I go, to smell you as I drift into the darkness. It gives me great comfort to know that you are with me during my final moments, the man that I love so much, you, the man that inspired the most amazing changes in my life and showed me so many beautiful and painful things all at once. I can see the little books of love that you have given me, the Bible that you have given me and around my neck is the cross that you gave me and on my finger the ring you gave me. I am so blessed with all the letters and all the memories of concerts and adventures that we have shared. Like a lantern out light lit the night sky and travelled far.

Release the darkness that has crept into your life, please Ryan. It will only bring you down and will only destroy the man that I know you are, the man that I love so much. Let it go, it is actually very easy – you have climbed mountains, nothing is impossible for you.

I know that your dimsum restaurant will be the greatest of successes and that it will become a place where friends and family can get together and share a food experience, just as we had done so many times. That early retirement age is a goal that I know you will achieve.

I do have a favour to ask you, my last one, I promise. My family does not have the means to do this or to execute this final gift for me. I want to be ashed. I do not want tears, I do not want regrets, I want it to be a celebration – and I know that you can make any occasion a celebration and lift the spirits of anyone – crack out the old cocktail kit and have some fun. Get my mom drunk.

Please take my mom and my ashes in a copper urn to Iceland, and on a night when the Aurora is at its brightest I want you two to scatter half of my ashes into the air, so I become one with the magic that is the Northern lights. Lay under the lights for a while and think of me, pray for me and send me love, I know that I will received it.

With the ashes that is left, I want you, and only you to take them to our dam, our special place where I promised to accept you always and where we laid in the freezing air under a blanket and connected, on a night where Cor Amantis is the most visible take me there and give what is left to me to the water, on that special place where a piece of my heart will always be for you. Remember always that the diamond that I gave to you, is my sign of eternal love.

Please return the urn to my family, so that they may have a reminder of the man I once was. Please can you do this for me, Ryan?

I can feel my eyes getting heavy and my body feeling light. I need to say goodbye now. Please know that my last thoughts will be of you, the last thing I hear will be our song, the last smell I will have will be yours and the last touch I have will be you. The angels have come to guide me Home. How blessed I am.

I will wait for you at Home, I will guide you always and I will send you love in abundance always. You will find someone who is worthy of the man that you are. I will guide that special person to you, and with that person you can have the children that we dreamed of once. Your very own family that loves you unconditionally and accepts you entirely.

One day you will forgive me. Know that there is nothing left for me to forgive, you are free.

I love you always, miss you always and am waiting for you, my one and only. I am ready.

I love you!

Goodbye and thank you for absolutely everything you have done for me.

Your, Rynstie

* * * * *

There is always time for another try. There is always reason to start again.

Remember that. Darkness is in your life because of the choice you are making to keep it.

Never give up, readers from afar. There is always hope.

There is always light. There is always someone who loves you.

Live for love. That is enough reason.