Another time perhaps

A vision of an encounter passed. My last night I spend alone in my beautiful home. Perhaps I thought there could be one more miracle, maybe it happened afterall.

Goodnight to the world.

Number 33

After (just shy of) 18 months, I will give the keys of my home away to another who shall now call it home. Here, between the 4 walls of number 33, I had found the most unexpected gifts, blessings, love and intimacy, joy and heartbreak. In this small one bedroom I had protection from the elements, a place to be safe, and a home for my lover when his no longer felt like home, a place of healing and comfort and a space of freedom. A refuge for my friends who needed a place to stay - a home for those I loved.

In the winter a fireplace would radiate heat and light - keeping the pains of cold away. In summer the windows and door would be open and a breeze would cool the heat. The perfect middle of all that is needed. A home that is by no means lavish or extravagant, but every single bit a home as a castle is to a king. The expression goes: “home is where the heart is”, and my heart is in every picture that hung on the walls, every piece of glass that was gifted and collected in my bar, the bed that I had always wanted, the incense that burned in my lamp and even in the table that I sanded and decorated. In this home my heart was everywhere - even in the reed heart that hung in the bathroom.

This house had become my expression of love.
A place of candles and music.
A place with good food and delicate smells of morning coffee.
A house that I bought for two, but leave as one.

It seems strange to have such a bond with bricks and concrete, to experience sadness for having to say goodbye. The reality is that this structure has housed the vision of a future, a desire of love and unity and a home base for love - and one cannot help but grow attached to such a beautiful dream. I look into this structure and see an empty shell that remains - it is such a sad moment, such a sad reality. A house for two, comfortable and safe. My greatest wish is that this home's potential will be realised my dreams of it one day fulfilled.

My final night in my very own No. 33 will be on Tuesday, 25 August 2015; with a blow-up bed and a vanity bag. A final night with a fireplace lit and incenses burning. A goodbye to what once was and sadly could never really be.

I do pray that those who inhabit this amazing house, will have the best of times, start a family here and live happily for many years, enjoy the heat of the fire and the cool breeze, have a piping hot shower and stare up at the wooden ceilings - happiness. These 4 walls deserve to have a dream realised.

Thank you, my house, for everything that you were and symbolised. I am equally sorry for what you never became. I will always remember the memories in between your walls, every laugh, kiss, massage, hug and tear will go with me forever.

Thank you for the life that you enabled me to have.

I will miss the green and gray.

Silence

Why is it, that through it all I remained respectful and silent to my own story. Why do I give such respect when it is not returned in kind?

Saints and Sinners

Truth

Soon my truths will be spoken and revealed. My experiences and observations. Are you all ready?

As long as I need

In the light of my life heading into a new direction, the right direction, I still catch myself constantly saying goodbye to my ex. Constantly. Once a week. I need to continue saying goodbye for as long as I need. I hear footsteps by my flat and I look up with a strange expectation inside me - unrealistic and unwarranted to be sure, but would I not look to see if it is him coming to see me. I am not entirely sure why. At this stage in my life I have come to far to return to what broke me, I do not want to go back to what broke me. Missing someone is not to be misconstrued as a desire to have them back, because who he has become now is not the man I fell in love with (not from the outside at least, perhaps inside is a different story) - I miss who he once promised me he wants to be.

I know that he holds much anger towards me, and that it is still consuming. Frankly that is his heart and what he chooses to feed and keep alive. I have no intention of fighting for him, trying once again to prove my own worth to him, working hard to become the best man for him, when in reality I always was - it is my turn at life. I know my worth and I know my value to the one that will be privileged enough to have my heart one day - that man will fight with everything inside of him to have my love.

I heard this song in a movie and decided to dedicate it to his post - may it's words reach the one it is meant for.

Perhaps my heart is wanting one more night, one final try, one last chance at love with this broken man I loved so much - forgiveness through love and intimacy. Love heals all.

An expectation that is unrealistic, naive and based on previous experience and learning - implausible. On the 30th of August I am boarding a plane with a one way ticket to a new life - I will leave here without regrets and unfinished business, and although it would be preferable to leave knowing that things between me and my ex are on a clean slate; it is not required for my success and does not influence my forgiveness of him.

In a trance I thought of and spoke a poem, it was very bizarre and never did happen before. Regardless, here it is. What was meant to be written is meant to be written.

- - - - -

In my dreams I see you

From my heart I hear you

In the darkness I feel you

I see the light beckon to you

It was not once that I lost you

Every day, at least once, I lose you

My prayers remain the same for you

Protection bestowed remains on you

A tear still falls just for you

I am grateful always for you

Now I have seen all that is you

Forever in my heart a space for you

Yes, I will continue to love you

Always I will miss you

Forgiveness in time of me from you

A goodbye to say, specially for you

- - - - -

I have come to a point in my life here I have to say goodbye to many people and things - a lingering promise of that which will follow in time. I start a new life, I let go of the old and embrace the true path of my journey, my authentic self and Godwork. There is nothing I value more than knowing I am following the real path of my life, the true purpose of my existence and doing that which I had always promise and told myself I wanted. 

There are very many words left inside of me, very many things still to say. All in time. When I am on point I am a juggernaut that is an unstoppable force of sight and might - and I am on point.

Thank you, my readers - let there be love.

Ry

The ManChild

A love told me once, that in every future that he saw with me - I outgrow him and that if he stays he will be dragging me down with him. I battled with this, for a long time, almost a year in fact. I had always believed that it was the same as "it is not you, its me", you know, letting someone down easy. For so long I had become used to diminishing my own journey and the absolute magnanimity of my lifes work, of my life.

Had it been so easy to admire another, idolise or revere another to such a high regard that I had entirely overlook your own greatness, my own achievements and the fact that my life has and is on a road of inspiration? As I started peeling away the layers of what I had come to believe and what I had accepted for so long, I began to identify the magic inside of me. Eventually enough walls were broken down and enough curtains opened to see that he was correct all along. Regardless of the intention of his words those evenings, he had been speaking the truth of the reality - had he eventually seen that which I am, and when faced with our side by side reflections in the Godmirror; was the unvarnished facts to much to accept and bare?

Had the "manchild" actually outgrown the "self actualized adult" already? Years ago. After finding out the hard facts one November only 6 months into the relationship, and having the passion and love to forgive even then - had I not outgrown him then already? My best friend has heard the tears that day and received the phonecall with the truth found. I had the courage to face my pains and hurts straight on, one after another, defeating the darkness with loving light and evolving in leagues. It is actually amusing and awe-inspiring to me, my roots had been growing all along - even when I had been plunged into the darkness. Is the willingness to step outside of the comfort bubble not more growth than someone who holds on to theirs with both hands, legs and chains? Who can tell.

What I do know, what I do see, the untouchable figure with a darkness around. The truth was spoken that night, I see that now.