It's your life. Live it!

Some inspiration for the day...

Down the rabbit hole we go.

So I have friends, as do all people. In actual fact, on Facebook alone I have over 1000 friends. Awesome hey! "Friends". I am so blessed. I have 1000 people that I care deeply about and who care about me and that I grew up with. Built a past with.

DING DING DING! WRONG!

Of those 1000+ people, I think I have a good relationship with about 30 of them? People that I actually have a past with; that I remembered? Why then do I have these other 970 people on my social media? Why? Has it become a thing of status to have that many people linked to your private profile? Is it vanity maybe? That could be it. The world has become a competition of "friends" and "followers" and bit.ly link tracking and profile hits. It's such a crazy thing. Is this the new school ground with the popular kids in the corner and the not so popular kids being teased? And we wonder why kids go Columbine!

We join groups to show things we are interested in, yet do nothing in these groups. We "like" strangers status updates, yet do not comment as we do not know them. We "like" famous people's fan pages because that boy/girl you have a crush on "liked" it too and you hope this shows that you have something in common. It's strange this world we have entered into. Out identities have become public domain, our thoughts open to review and comment. (Yes, even this blog counts as this strange world.)

Will this world ever change? Have we gone to deep down the rabbit hole to look back now?
Yes, I believe we have. I firmly believe that online social media have become an addiction. Yes, I am also very much addicted. As are millions of others. Let us hope that we still keep a small part of ourselves, for ourselves. Let's not loose that little piece that gives us a soul and makes us as special as we are.

Happy Tweeting, Pinging, Facebooking and Blogging all you wonderful people!

X
Ray

Stardust Galaxies

YouTube link to the song: http://youtu.be/aO97bcZfHQM

My favorite digital Artist. Greg Martin.

The Parlotones

Stardust Galaxies

A shooting star explodes in deep Space

I feel the truth in your warmest Embrace

This desire you can never erase I hope that we never change 

On an insignificant planet of a Humdrum star 

I found significance in the shape of Your heart 

Let's journey to mars in this elevator Car 

I hope that we never change

Stardust Galaxies stretch out for Eternity 

Stardust Galaxies 

Travelled to the edge of our galaxy 

I was searching for something that 

Was right next to me 

As I see you lying there, my real life Fantasy 

I hope that we never change

Stardust Galaxies stretch out for Eternity 

Stardust Galaxies 

A shooting star explodes in deep Space 

I find comfort in your innocent face 

As My fingertips trace your succulent Taste 

I hope that we never change

Stardust Galaxies stretch out for Eternity 

Stardust Galaxies 

On an insignificant planet of a Humdrum star 

Your atoms drew me in right from The start 

The meaning to life is the pursuit of The heart

I hope that we never change

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams

as the north wind lays waste the garden. 

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. 

Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches

 that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. 

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. 

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love. 

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, 

"I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love,

 if it finds you worthy, directs your course. 

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart 

and a song of praise upon your lips.

Choices.

I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I may not be rich but I am valuable. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect but I don't need to be. Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away!!!

The choice is yours.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock!

Finally! The explanation!

Grabbed off Google Images

Incorrect Prayer

During a particularly emotionally difficult time in my life, as a Christian, I prayed. I turned to my Lord to help me though the difficult times. I prayed for my life to be changed, for my circumstance to change. I prayed for the one that had cause my life to be disrupted to change my life once more for the better.

How I now see the errors of my prayers. I asked all the wrong questions, for the incorrect help. I prayed for someone to change my life for the better. An external person, an impartial person to change my life. Foolish me. Why did I not pray for me to change my own life? To become better myself? Why do I feel like I need someone to come into my life and change it for me? Perhaps I should pray instead for my own inner strength to change my life? For my own abilities to shine and become amazing, and in so doing change my life?

I prayed for a sign to help me through the issue, and when the sign came, I did not see it. I ignored the message. I should have perhaps asked for the wisdom and strength to accept the sign and act accordingly. My questions have always been answered, in the exact way that I need them to be answered. I did not always get the answer I wanted, but Lord knows I always got the answer I needed. Whether I knew it then or not. I needed every answer, even if I would fight against it, I needed it. I should have prayed to understand and accept the answers instead hey? Retrospect. I hate it so much (*GRIN*)

Fellow religious readers, advice from someone who has noticed his mistake. Pray. Pray often. Pray truthfully. Pray sincerely. Most of all, and I mean most of all - Pray correctly.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Be good. Be strong. Amen.
Ray

The art of letting go.

I realised something profound today. This very moment exactly. 21:47 on some or other day in August in the year 2011. Here is a quote that sums it up beautifully:

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." - Henry Ellis

I am a hoarder. I gather. I hold on to little scraps of paper, objects, clutter and junk because it has emotional value for me. A connection, no matter how small. As a result of this need to hoard emotional connections, I am now left with boxes of emotions. Packed everywhere. Lying around. Reminding me of events that have unfolded in my life that mean something to me. Good or bad. Mostly bad for some reason, as those are the strongest emotions. A photo kept in a wallet of the one now past. The pain flooding back with each viewing.  The pain. The stab in my heart when I see something he gave me, reminding me of how good it was and how much it hurts now.

Strange, this habit i've developed. Things that make me hurt, remind me of my unhappy state of affairs. This is surely not natural. It cannot be. It must be a flaw. I am not scared to admit my flaws, as that I think is the first step in getting to heal them. It does not make it easier though.

As the quote says, it's an art to know when to hold on and when to let go. A fucking difficult art to master. I am very much a novice. Just when I think I have let go, I find myself gripping tighter onto the memory. Onto the pain. It lets me know i'm still an emotional person. It's feeling something. I let you go, in my head I believed it, but my heart never did. I hoarded you. Put you in a box to keep safe. To keep the pain alive.

There is another problem with the hoarding. It keeps me so busy, I do not have time to live. I have to take each memory out of the box and dust it, polish it and keep it alive. "Every man dies. Not every man really lives. " resonates in my head! Have I given up what I have lived in my life to boxes of hurt. Is this the life I have chosen? Pathetic Ray! Snap too it.

Life is short. It's not something to waste on such things. On such trivial hurt. Life life Ray. Make the most of it. Say goodbye to the boxes of hurt and pain. Forget about the one that got away. He got away for a reason. It's your paths in life. Walk your separate ways. Forget. Learn the art of letting go.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." - Henry Ellis

Professional Homosexual.

I am a gay man. An openly gay man. I hold my boyfriends' hand in public. More so, I am a openly gay man that is also a working professional. In a firm of over 3500 staff, I am surely not the only one, however, I am the only openly gay man in my department. I refuse to change that fact. I decided this early on. "The closet is to cramped for my chunky ass and man boobs."

This knowledge, this fact of me being the only gay man in a department of 45, is something that makes you feel special and empowered, but also, it's a lonely path to walk. You are looked at different. Interacted with differently. This is firstly, bullshit. Look, I know that the department is mainly comprised of older generation people, with the old school values that do not approve of "the gays", but it's the modern world. Adapt or die. Point is I am permanently employed, I am exceptional at what I do, and I am not intending to be anything else but myself. A professional homosexual, poef, fag or homo.

What breaks my heart and makes me want to scream out loud, is when I see gay men, that are obviously gay to me, but will play it as straight as they can muster in front of the leadership. Why are these men and woman so scared of being their true self, and allowing them to be accepted? It shows confidence and conviction when you can proudly say that you are gay, and own your life. You might just get that promotion that you have been waiting for but never seem to grasp.

If you cannot accept yourself fellow gays and strays, how can you expect others to? The more you try and hide the fact that you are a gay professional, the more power and credit you give to those who do not like the community. It makes sense if you think about it doesn't it?

Fellow people of the homosexual inclination: Get into your fantastically stylish business suit, beautifully maintained hair and gorgeous smile, walk into the office proud to be a gay professional. A person who loves themselves and exudes confidence. What can they do? Laugh? Sure, but when they do not get a reaction, they will get bored and stop. It's so much like sibling rivalry.

Be yourself. Be proud. Stand tall. Be gay. A successful homosexual.

Hugs and kisses,
The professional fag! (SMILES)

Multifaceted world.

Humanity is luck enough to occupy a glorious earth, with wonders and beauty that is unmatched. A world, like it's occupants with a multifaceted personality, serene beauty with extreme violence. A beautiful little frog too poisonous to touch. A peaceful plant that eats insects. Hunters and prey.

So too are the people who occupy this world. A loving husband that abuses his wife. A young life who takes a gun into his school and kills mercilessly. The world, and it's people, are not what they seem. The surface is only the surface. Beautiful but deadly. Survival of the most cruel. Is humanity merely echoing the world we live on? Personally I do not thing so. Nature does not disguise it's anger and violence, those that are prey and those that hunt. Nature warns other nature of the impending hunter. A person hides their affinity for violence behind a fake smile and charming demeanor.

A multifaceted world. (I wish they were real!)

Me, myself, this man writing the post is no different. I can be a loving person, but another facet of me can be cold and without sympathy. A warm smile to hide a deep depression. A laugh to hide the tears. A world of complete opposites in one body.  We have perhaps evolved in humanity to be able to hide that which would make us unpopular or unliked. A defense mechanism that we develop from childhood perhaps? I suppose it is only natural. The animal world are grouped my species, so they cannot be rejected. It is a simpler world that that which we live in. That being said, imagine if all the various types and personalities only stuck together in packs. What a boring world we would become. Would we not take a step back in evolution if that would happen?

The problem as I see it, is not the multifaceted person. I like that about humanity. It is the lack of understanding and acceptance of our facets. Humans are renound for denying the parts of themselves that they do not like. Oppression eventually breaks through, and mostly violently. If we accept the fact that we have a violent facet in ourselves, and accept it, we can change it slowly for the better if that is what we choose. Acceptance is the first step in changing something you find a problem. Like an alcoholic that admits that they have a drinking problem. It is actually a simple solution to a complex problem I believe.

So there you go, more happy ramblings from my head. Tune in next episode for more exciting stories!
Tot volgende keer (Afrikaans)!
Ray...

Time.

What is time really? Some say that it is the fabric of our existence. It is the lifeblood of the world. Without the ever present hour ticking off the clock, how would we know where to be, what to do? Meetings, schedules, appointments, eat, wake-up and sleep. We are governed by the clock on the wall.  Was there ever an instant in our history, and era or century, where the only arms that mattered were not the ones on the clock, but those of the lover in which you lay, the arms of a lover in which you lay for as long as you want, as long as you need to. No tick, no tock, no alarms, no rush, no hurry.

A cross media piece that I designed during a challenging time of my life.

The amusing thing with time is that although we live by it, cannot function without it, there is never enough of it. It is cursed, yelled at and sobbed over. A loved one passes away, and we blame ourselves, we blame the tick and the tock, for time we did not spend with that, that is no longer around, for time that was stolen from us. Yet this hatred is ill placed. We allow ourselves to be ruled by this unseen force, this monarch in our lives. An hour for lunch, 15 minutes for tea, 4 hours with the family. Are these really the constraints that we have placed on ourselves? Are these really the shackles that are forced upon us by those in power, by the lives we lead? Time. A fickle thing. Never enough. Sometimes too much. Often misplaced. Tick and tock. Rush and push. This thing called time. It is our much loved enemy. Our constant accomplice. Time. What a bitch.

Happy Woman's Day

Women are like tricks by sleight of hand,

Which, to admire, we should not understand.

- WILLIAM CONGREVE

One of the women who have changed my life.

Idol.

I remember as a child, all during school and college, I have been told to find an idol, a role model, someone whom I can aspire to be alike. Oprah for success, Mandela for courage of conviction and Dali for artistic dexterity. Those were my idols, my “people I would like to be like”. As I sit here, many years later, I realize something profound. Something I did not even think about before. Why the hell do I want to become like someone, or aspire to be someone who is NOT me?

Why is humanity teaching their children to become or aspire to become like another person. I know this is meant with the best intentions, however like all disasters, it is always with the person/s best intentions. Why am I striving to become someone else, why am I not striving to become the best of who I can be? Why are we not tutoring our children to be their ultimate self, the best of themselves they can be. Yes, use the experience and skills from another, from an idol, but with your own twist. Your own flair. With your own pezzzaz!

A photo I took in remembrance of the ultimate in idols.

I always wished to be as successful as Oprah, to start with little and build an empire. I am not Oprah, I will never be Oprah. Apart from the obvious lack of female reproductive organs, I have not lead her life, or had the same series of events that lead her to where she is. Rather, I will take away from her life, her savvy business skills. Her give-to-get attitude. I do not want to be as creative as Salvador Dali anymore, I would rather be as creative as I can be, in my own right, using Dali’s lessons and skills to make me more creative that he was. As for Mandela, he is not a bad person to aspire to be like. He has changes the South African landscape for the future. I however do not want to have the same courage as he does, the same conviction as he does. Instead I would rather learn and find out what keeps him motivated and how he understands and deals with a problem, and apply that to MY own courage and conviction.

My new goal in life is to become the idol, become the role model, have others take pages out of my book to help their life flourish and blossom. That way all I will be doing is sharing and passing along knowledge gained from others. It’s a good system. It is like a peer-to-peer file-sharing software.

To each their own life, their own experiences. This is what makes every man, woman and child different and unique. Let us as parents, siblings and family nurture this in those around us. Teach them to be the best that they are, not the best of what someone else is.

Until the next time, audience of my reachable network, keep it unique, keep it you, and keep it real!

R

Movies

To the drunkard at the movies. I love you man.
You waddles into the cinema, looking like you about to trip and fall, and made the evening even more comical than it was. (We went to go watch Bridesmaids so it was funny.)

You did flying leap kicks at the screen, missed completely and fell to the ground. More than once I might add. Yelled at the screen for people to kill each other, even though it was a comedy. When security came, you layed perfectly still in the dark corners and waited for them to pass. Brilliant maneuver!

Then you proceeded to take your shoes off and throw them at the screen! This you did not miss and the screen went all funky. Dude, people were not laughing at the movie, they were laughing at you. Just to let you know. I hope you enjoyed the movie though! :)

Love me online.

We have become people of infinite information. The internet and it's absolute unending tentacles, has given humanity more power and information at their finger tips than they have ever had before. What do we do with this power, we date of course. We are on the endless pursuit of love and affection. We put out information into online sites, putting out best feet forward, giving selling ourselves in 160 characters or less. Is that not just the absolute height of sophistication? I cannot judge, and will never judge, as I am also on those horrid dating/personal/hook-up sites. I too fell into the trap and got myself on there, and do not get me wrong, I have met some really awesome people on there, and some not so awesome people on there. I have seen more male reproductive organs than I have faces. It's horrifyingly great.

Here is the problem with it though. Online chatting allows you to be the absolute best that you would like to be. Your personality can be whom you want to be. It's dangerous. You start to develop "feelings" for these IP addresses, and you do know know them & should you get to the stage of a face-to-face meeting, you realize two vitally important things: 1) This person that you have gotten to know online and liked online and got on so well, actually does not have a personality type that you would want to get to know personally. 2) You would much rather talk to someone or exist as a virtual presence rather than sitting with this person face to face, because online, in your house, all safe and sound, you can be that person who you want to be. Straight off the bat.

The best about these sites, are those men who say that they are looking for something meaningful, and when you make contact and get a reply, it is the happiest moment that you have experienced that hour. You tentatively click on the Inbox icon, and the very first worlds that you are confronted with is SEX... Generally I would not complain, BUT I can see that they viewed my profile, and sex is not what I wanted. I dont want random sex & the reason I made contact with them, is because they also said that they do not. The bastards. So I was honest on my profile, and they do not even bother. Piss! What is the point.

Go out! Meet people face to face! (*I hear everyone yelling*) Let me get something crystal clear at this point. Going out is great. I am a gay person, so I would naturally go to gay clubs, however the ones that are in SA are either so dingy that I feel I need a full body condom before entering, and the other ones are so crowded with little groups of chattering men that there is barely a change to talk to your own friends, never mind making a new one. So online dating, connecting or chatting is honestly in my opinion the next best thing.

I do have some advice though peoples. Meet someone online. Go for it. BUT push for an initial meeting so that you know what you are working with. Personality match. Physical attraction. All those important things. It will work out better for everyone involved, and it will help you to waste less time chatting to someone whom you may not like in the long run.

On that note, lecture over, message end. Self destruct.
Happy online-ing! Your friendly IP!

The Move!

So there you sit with this guy right, you at the table of a nice restaurant or coffee shop or the movies, or just about anywhere really. His perfume is up your nose and tingling your senses and that happy spot at the base of your skull is tingling. You are having a delightful conversation, you get along on pressing topics, the check marks in your head are being ticked off one by one.

You see there hand resting there, it's so close to yours, all you must do it reach over and touch it. Feel the warms. Feel the rough texture against yours. Connect. Spark. You loose track of the conversation, because you are imagining the things to follow should you step over the threshold and reach out. You stop yourself, over and over again. Holding back. Killing yourself. The reverse possibilities could also happen, the bad things, the pull back, the look of "WTF!", and that is not worth the risk.

The coffee stops being ordered, the conversation is running platonic and you know the date is over. You enjoyed it. You feel unsatisfied. It's the perfect opportunity to hold onto that hand, to kiss those lips, it will spark the conversations you cannot have yet. You resist. You get the bill, pay the division, get up and go. You walk him to his car. You walk close. His hand only centimeters away from yours. TOUCH IT your conscious is screaming in your head. Just do it! (Says Nike).

You let your head down and walk. Feeling so ashamed of the fact that you are not as brave as you thought you were. You are not the person you want to be. You get to his car, you have idle small talk, you are both wondering whether to kiss or not. To hold them. You decide against. A friendly hug is all that is exchanged. Useless! So much more could be done. You walk away, insistent on not turning around. You walk back to your car, shoulders slumped, cursing yourself out for being so chicken shit.

Was that worth it you ask yourself? Is it worth the fact that you now feel shit, the guy probably thinking that you were not interested, and probably not going to make contact again? If you are lucky, you will get to the stage where you chat and find out that you really did just want to touch each other and hold each other. Neither having the balls to do so. Boys. Men. Peak down and spot a pair. You all have some hanging down there (unless you were in a weird hunting accident...). Be the one to make the first move, connect, touch and see what happens.

If you are unsure, then ask, say something, make it known that you want to touch but are unsure whether to do it. Even if you text the person sitting next to you and wait for a reply (it's a cute move, tried it once myself, worked well). Be the man. Make the move. Do it. Make it happen. The world is too short to let a gem slip you by. Live for the moment. Tomorrow is no guarantee!

Gay.

From the off, yes, I am gay, a homosexual, a faggot, queer or poef. Whichever name you want to call me. I have known that I am different in my sexual preference from a young age. However I did not come to terms with it until high school.

During this time, I saw how the world looks upon the gay community. With hatred and scorn. Those who are religious even more so than the average person. Here is the kicker though, I am a very proud Christian as well. So you can imagine, that just adds a whole new dimension to being ripped apart by society. "A GAY!!!! Christian? Noooo! It cannot be! Kill it with fire!" You poor ignorant people. Shame!

(This photo is of my cross and gay pride ring that I wear every day. As I cannot be just one or the other.)

People, let me explain something to ya'll! I believe that being gay is not a personal or private choice. I cannot remember to choose this when I was 12 (maybe it is sociological influence, or a damaging childhood, I don't know, people's opinions vary). I do not think that at such a young age I would choose a life path that will make me excluded and hated by society. I don't know if you can make such a life changing decision at such a young age? For example, on my fathers side of the family, there are gays littered all up and down. On my mother's side there are non. Is that just a coincidence? Genetics people! GEN-ET-ICS!

One of my greatest sadnesses is hearing of suicide in the gay community, more and more. Teased, bruised and broken by those who are closes to them, to the point of no return. My dearest wish for the world is that people would accept others, not just pretend to accept people, truly accept people for who and what they are. I do not have a disease, I am not a carrier of HIV, you cannot catch the "gay bug" from a handshake or even a hug. People of the world. Spread the word. Gay is human, human if life, life is precious.

Accept us people, we are not going anywhere. God is not going anywhere. This world is not going to split politely in the middle for your life and my life.

A drink, to the world. It's future in our hands!

In & Out of Time by Maya Angelou

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance...

our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out of time.

When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun

and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor

I had always loved you more.

You freed your braids...

gave your hair to the breeze.

It hummed like a hive of honey bees.

I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....

Mmmm...God how I love your hair.

You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.

Lost, injured, hurt by chance.

I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....

Trying to change our nightmares into dreams...

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out

in and out

in and out

of time.

Peter Gabriel - The Book of Love

Here is the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYbRugkyC7M

This song had always been special to me.
Love is not always magic, sparks and good times. There are boring times, trying times and sad times.

The book of love.

Pain.

 

Is pain something that I will ever get away from?
I have been thinking about it a lot over the last week. My heart has felt like it was in a vacuum sealer.

Getting tighter and tighter. Less air. Less room to move. It blows chunks!

So here are the thoughts that have been going through my head:

Do I run away? Make a new home somewhere else, and forget about all those men who have broken my heart? Will that help though? Wont there just be more men somewhere else that will break my heart? Is it worth uprooting my life and job? No, I decided against it. I will feel better no doubt, but the cost is too great.

Now crawling into a hole and dying, THAT, sounds to me like a good plan! It's simple, easy and very effective! But wait, there's more... What if I loose myself completely in this hole? Then I will be cutting out everything and everyone else that I love, who has been there for me and not broken my heart? That wouldn't be fair really. So there went that bloody option!

Time. Give it time? Okay, I get where you coming from. It makes sense. That's how I got over the others. But that was so painful, giving me so much of that bloody time to think and feel crap. It did get less and less though. So it did work in the end. It isn't unfair towards anyone else, and I learned a lot. I'll give it a try, not that I really have a choice to be honest. Time will tick on regardless.

Write a blog? That's works! If anyone reads it, cool, if they don't, cool! I dont know them anyway.
This is my mind. My slightly twisted mind having it's escape.

I will give myself time, but I will still think of the other options, they do have merit! :)