My depression

Dear readers,

I have been spending a lot of time in the last, oh, I would say 6 months trying to understand and mentally unwrap and unpack depression, Medically, depression is a variety of genetics and the bodies inability to produce sufficient amount of happy hormone, to sustain your mood during the day.

There are many symptoms for depression, listen on countless website and reference pages. Reading the words, written so clinically makes it seem so tame, so easy to overcome. I have experienced a deep and dark depression for many months, and have been able to regain mental stability and chemical stability, through the use of medication (which I have since stopped), a lot of mental discipline and love and support from those around me, especially to the man who was by my side. The cost to our relationship however and his well-being was the hardest hit by my state.

There is not saying what causes depression, like the books will say, it can be inherited or be genetic, however it is also very much a situational consequence. There are so many contributing factors. Work. Life. Relationships. For me was added spiritual contributions and turmoil. A single life changing event can trigger depression, or it can be a slow buildup of many things that set off the monster in our heads. Depression is an illness, it is not a mental weakness, it is not a physical weekend and should never be seen ass such. It is something that is very real and very dangerous.

It is challenging to explain what the effects are on a person who is suffering from depression, they are so varied and unique. Let me start with the complete and total lack of sustainable happiness. Personally, I struggled to stay happy. I was in a constant cycle of sadness, and any happiness that I could find was so temporary. I would have extreme and very brief highs, followed by a long and deep low. This feeling of sadness and unhappiness was all consuming - it was completely overwhelming, soon becoming the new norm. Moments that were supposed to sustain pure joy for many months were very short lived, me buying my first home, a new car, an anniversary of the man I loved, special evenings and gifts and weekends away. They were all short lived by the darkness that was so all consuming. Very few who have lived it, will truly understand what I mean by this consuming force.

The secret behind depression and understanding the all consuming effects of it, is to understand that it is such a powerful and strong mental trap - it is strong. It is very strong. It slowly becomes part of your mental processing, adding a layer of darkness to any situation. It can make you believe things that are untrue, make you act irrationally and make small problems seem completely overwhelming. It is such a dark demon. I have lived it. Looking back now on some of the challenges that has seemed so big, I feel so foolish - but comforted knowing that I am at a state of mind where I can see it now, I have identified the pattern and monster. I have regained control. It is a moment of pride for me. Positive pride.

This consuming sadness creates such doubt in your head, it can make something that is a guarantee and make it into something that makes you apprehensive and anxious. It created huge amounts of self doubt, bruising self confidence in a massive way. There is also a delightful aspect of losing complete interest in daily activities, positive habits, work and family. The drive and ambition goes from you entirely. I used to feel so helpless - entirely consumed by a problem that is very much within my ability to overcome. I remember it well actually. My behaviors changed, I started focusing and doing things that were completely against my nature and beliefs, speeding, reckless behaviour and becoming consumed by a darkness that caused so much harm I do not even want to mention it - completely irrational. I became a stranger to the man I was. My sleeping patterns became erratic and I felt constantly tired, I was short tempered and irritable. I became the monster in my own head.

My depression made me entirely unable to see achievements or blessings. I was unable to understand how blessed my life was, how much I had achieved, how much I was given. I was entirely consumed by the challenges ahead, instead of allowing myself to celebrate the victories of now. I even became unable to celebrate the victories of my friends and partner, becoming someone who gave a half-assed congratulations. I became a jealous and envious person - that was completely against my nature. I would strive for short term satisfaction and happy hormones, regardless of the consequences for those around me, mainly again, my life partner. A man like I became did not deserve what I was given.

The monster that is depression has a very special gift - the feeling of complete and utter loneliness. You feel constantly alone. In a room full of people. You are alone. Always alone in your head. Consumed by the darkness. I used to instinctively avoid social engagements, feeling uncomfortable and out of place in a situation I used to shine in. Unknown people started to become intimidating and I lost my social self. I withdrew from my family, and even my partner - I became alone.

The effects of depression on those around you, are just as severe. The people who are closest to you, a husband, a life partner, family and friends - they feel the effects also. They watch someone they love becoming a stranger and going backwards in their life path. These people, and for me it was my life partner, struggled with me daily - from a different side of the fence. Trying to make me happy, trying t o improve my mood, to understand why I am going backwards and why I had forgotten the important lessons that he had taught me. I had become a stranger, focusing on the negative of my life, becoming overwhelmed at small things, not participating in social events or helping to plan social outings and special weekends away. It seemed that I had lost interest - I didnt. I know this now. My heart breaks for he man that stood so firmly by me and could do nothing right from my point of view. I had caused him so much hurt in the process of my depression. He helped me more than any person, giving me everything and me not appreciating any of it. If it was not for him, I know that I would still be stuck in the depressive spiral. I owe him my mind.

Someone who is suffering from depression tends to hold onto something or an activity that distracts them or keeps their mind of the sadness. I focused on my partner, he became my centre and my everything. My happiness revolved around him. I became suffocating - this darkness that I had become, this monster and demon. I took all the happiness from his life also, consumed by my darkness - I was reliving old hurt, focusing like a desperate person. Thinking back now, I can hardly believe the man I was - I was pathetic really. I can honestly say though, with the understanding that I have now, I did not know any better. I was completely consumed by something I did not entirely understand or grasp. It was horrible. It was scary. I did not know how to stop it. I was completely unable to stop being consumed by negative thoughts - it was impossible. I cannot explain it, no one can. It is the demon.

Depression is a self consuming disease - it becomes you. I read an interesting article that says the more intelligent and analytical you are, the harder the effects hit you. It changes you into someone unknown, even to yourself. It bolsters insecurities, creating unimaginable realities in your life. It puts a strain on your heart, mind and even soul. You become lost in a darkness that you cannot find. It drives you to acts and obsessions that are unhealthy and damaging. Finally I understand. The effects on those around you are just as tragic, just as taxing and just as hurting - even if you cannot see it.

Readers, let me tell you something - depression is not wrong, it is not weakness, it is not a sign of an immature person or someone who is not in control of their lives. It becomes your life. It is a sickness like any other. It requires a lot of understanding, professional help and at times medication. You can overcome it - you can. I did. I write this post now, as someone who has managed to cage the beast and pray the demon away. With the massive help of my family and friends, but most importantly to the partner who stood by me. The consequences were massive, a life partner lost, a love I had became undeserved - but the lessons learned cannot be quantified. The actions are still yours, they are your responsibility and you must own up to them and apologise for the hurt and pain, understand the consequences once you are able and learn the lessons and change. The consequences on my relationship was possible the worst - but I am not scared to admit it openly and have tried to apologise as best as I can, even if I did fail at times.

Depression is a lifelong struggle, it will be with you forever, but it does not have to consume your life once you understand the beast and the monster - once you regain the self control. Once you start focusing on the blessings, focus on them daily and often. Get medication. Speak to a professional. You are not alone. Ever. Believe in that. There is always someone that cares. When you have moments and days where the demon has broken free of it's cage, force yourself back into a space of control. You are always in control, once you realise you are in control.

Look at me now, readers. I am stronger than the mountains. More powerful than the sea. You can overcome depression - you can fight the demon and be the person you are meant to be. I am almost there. Every day I am stronger. Every day I am returning back to the man I used to be, the man who deserves the love as pure as I had, who deserves the dedication of friends that I have and deserves the blessings that have been bestowed.

I will be forever grateful for the life-love that supported me and sacrificed itself, for the family that supported my and my friends that always listened.

Be strong readers. Be strong and be proud.
We are not weak.
Fight! Win!
Always get up if you fall.
Love hard.
Regain control.

Yours,
Ry