Untitled.

I write a post today that is untitled. There is no title that can describe this post. This posts finds me having put my pride aside, put my ego aside and be brutally honest with you, the world and universe.

Last night, after an intense prayer and meditation, although painful,  I surrendered entirely. It was time for me. In that moment of surrender, when I accepted what was - I received the clarification for the past. It is strange - Oprah mentioned once, that when you have done all you can do, begged, bargained and pleaded, there is nothing else to do but surrender to a power higher than yourself. Once you do that, you will receive what God, the universe has planned for you.

It seems that last night was my moment. Only when I truly could feel myself release and surrender did I received what I was ready to receive at that time. All I had prayed for, was for the man I love to love me again, to come back to me again, for us to be together again. This nagging feeling inside my heart and soul told me our story was not complete.

I know my worth and my value to this world, I am on a path of discovering my true purpose and being the man I am supposed to be on this earth. I have discovered many things, learned many lessons, felt many emotions and deal with many things, to say that I am a different man now than 6 months ago is truly an understatement. The two can hardly be compared.

The truth that I realised last night, the clarity that I received - the words that I finally listened to and understood - hit me hard. It knocked my breath away and I felt ashamed. I am filled with regret and with guilt at the actions from my relationship, from both parties. God had to bring me to my knees, to humble me in front of Him, to show that my pride is nothing more than a roadblock. I had to truly accept some harsh truths about myself and about my ex partner. The insecurities that haunted us, that caused us to become strangers, fears that became greater than love itself.

The road we were travelling, without a map, without guidance, was only setting us up for this eventuality. How can we have ever been enough for each other, when we never told each other what we needed from each other. How could we be enough when we never guided each other. How could we know what to do or not to do, without that information. We have been setting ourselves up for failure. We failed love. Love never failed us.

No one can be expected to know what to do, when they have not yet been told what to do. They will never meet expectations if they are not clarified. I fucked up. Big time. I admit that, humbly. I bare as much of the blame.

Much needs to be said. Pride and ego must be put on the line. Guidance accepted as guidance and not attack. A change to fix. A chance to change. A chance to be better than ever before. Or a chance to say a final goodbye. All I can do is try, to humble myself in front of the man I love.

Dear readers, love cannot fail. Love is the ultimate force of nature, it is the fabric of our existence and the bond that we have with all forces of the universe. It is our link to creation. Love cannot fail. People can fail. I failed. We failed.

Be blessed,
Ryno