A last suicide.

After much deliberation and debate with my support group, their wisdom and argument has swayed me to create this post. I have discussed with them all the facets of my suicide in depth, having webinars and seminars on it - I am blessed to have been able to help anyone with my experience. The final webinar that I will have with those amazing people started with me sharing my suicide note - the last note that I wrote the night of my attempt.

For a long time it was something that I thought was shame, however, once I had finished reading it and I had received the tearful responses from faces on a screen - I realised that it is actually the opposite. It is the most truthful form of communication and it shows a lot of me and my inner workings. A few listeners even commented and said that everyone should be as lucky to ever receive such love from another. I have been complimented and in the same breath been guided to the true value and meaning of love and my heart.

I share this letter now with you, the universe. It is no longer shame. It is not something that I feel needs to be hidden from the world, but rather given to it. It has helped some, perhaps it can help others. Please read it for what it is. Understand it from your heart.

(In respect I have replaced the name of the person whom it was addressed too)

* * * * *


My dearest Ryan

This is the most difficult letter that I have ever had to write but at the same time the easiest. I am writing to you last, you are my final goodbye simply because it is you.

I am sure that by now you have heard the news about my work and you have been told the truth about my deception over the last few months. I can almost feel your rage, your anger and the intensive disappointment and confusion you are feeling. I cannot begin to describe the internal war that has been waged inside my head and my heart. The pain is unbearable. I am so sorry for that which I have done to hurt you, to deceive you and to inflict harm – I was not myself, I don’t know who I was.

My heart has been so fixated on getting you back, on keeping you in my life, on winning and earning back your love, to become worthy of your love again – that my head decided to stand back and my heart took over and the most irrational parts of myself took over and started making decisions. Please do not look at it as the betrayal that it is perceived as, rather look at it as the biggest compliment that I could ever give you – may it show you the absolute extents that I was willing to go through for you and for your love. I have sacrificed everything in the pursuit of your love and affection.

Again I am so sorry.

By the time that you receive this letter, you would have probably felt that which will come to pass. God would have let you know before the rest that I have gone Home. I am ready. I feel no more fear for death. It is a Thursday, and you know I have always wanted to die on a Thursday. Please know that my decision to take my life is not anything that you could have prevented or stopped, it was also not as a direct result of you or your actions, it was truly and only my decision to make. What I did to you, and to my family, friends and colleagues is utterly unforgivable and this way they will no longer feel the shame for my actions – I am removing myself from their pain and removing my pain.

I want to tell you, for the last and final time that I love you. I have loved you from day 2 and that love has never faltered or changed. What I feel for you cannot be described only by those 3 words but it is all I have. I love you. If only I had been truly worthy and enough for you, if only I had done more to be enough, maybe I would have still had you in my life and you in my heart. Regardless, that horse has bolted and everything is as it should be. I love you, so much with my all and everything. I can live without you, and I have proven that to myself, but importantly I have chosen that I do not want to live without you – not for a single day longer. The thought of the disappointment that I have caused you, is enough to make me feel small and to make me weep tears of regret and sorrow unknown. I love you and I am so sorry. Know this always.

You are an amazing man, a stunning man, an inspirational man and the most beautiful man in the world, Ryan, and I am so blessed and so lucky to have had you in my life for the short time that I did. I could call you “my love” and you would respond. It was a blessing. The magnitude of the blessing I only realize now, after the fact. It is funny how life does that to a person. Always know that you your worth and should you falter and forget, just remember that there was once a man that could not imagine another day without you. That, dear Ryan, is how much you are worth – settle for nothing less.

I want you to know that I was surrounded by our memories when I die. Next to me is all the photos that I had taken down from my walls only months ago, they are all there on my bed, the smiling happy faces of our love shining out at me. The song that I dedicated to you on our first anniversary is playing in the background, it is a beautiful song. I have a shirt of yours that I found in my cupboard in the back, it smells like you and I am holding it tightly to myself to feel you one last time, to hold you as I go, to smell you as I drift into the darkness. It gives me great comfort to know that you are with me during my final moments, the man that I love so much, you, the man that inspired the most amazing changes in my life and showed me so many beautiful and painful things all at once. I can see the little books of love that you have given me, the Bible that you have given me and around my neck is the cross that you gave me and on my finger the ring you gave me. I am so blessed with all the letters and all the memories of concerts and adventures that we have shared. Like a lantern out light lit the night sky and travelled far.

Release the darkness that has crept into your life, please Ryan. It will only bring you down and will only destroy the man that I know you are, the man that I love so much. Let it go, it is actually very easy – you have climbed mountains, nothing is impossible for you.

I know that your dimsum restaurant will be the greatest of successes and that it will become a place where friends and family can get together and share a food experience, just as we had done so many times. That early retirement age is a goal that I know you will achieve.

I do have a favour to ask you, my last one, I promise. My family does not have the means to do this or to execute this final gift for me. I want to be ashed. I do not want tears, I do not want regrets, I want it to be a celebration – and I know that you can make any occasion a celebration and lift the spirits of anyone – crack out the old cocktail kit and have some fun. Get my mom drunk.

Please take my mom and my ashes in a copper urn to Iceland, and on a night when the Aurora is at its brightest I want you two to scatter half of my ashes into the air, so I become one with the magic that is the Northern lights. Lay under the lights for a while and think of me, pray for me and send me love, I know that I will received it.

With the ashes that is left, I want you, and only you to take them to our dam, our special place where I promised to accept you always and where we laid in the freezing air under a blanket and connected, on a night where Cor Amantis is the most visible take me there and give what is left to me to the water, on that special place where a piece of my heart will always be for you. Remember always that the diamond that I gave to you, is my sign of eternal love.

Please return the urn to my family, so that they may have a reminder of the man I once was. Please can you do this for me, Ryan?

I can feel my eyes getting heavy and my body feeling light. I need to say goodbye now. Please know that my last thoughts will be of you, the last thing I hear will be our song, the last smell I will have will be yours and the last touch I have will be you. The angels have come to guide me Home. How blessed I am.

I will wait for you at Home, I will guide you always and I will send you love in abundance always. You will find someone who is worthy of the man that you are. I will guide that special person to you, and with that person you can have the children that we dreamed of once. Your very own family that loves you unconditionally and accepts you entirely.

One day you will forgive me. Know that there is nothing left for me to forgive, you are free.

I love you always, miss you always and am waiting for you, my one and only. I am ready.

I love you!

Goodbye and thank you for absolutely everything you have done for me.

Your, Rynstie

* * * * *

There is always time for another try. There is always reason to start again.

Remember that. Darkness is in your life because of the choice you are making to keep it.

Never give up, readers from afar. There is always hope.

There is always light. There is always someone who loves you.

Live for love. That is enough reason.

I drink to that!

Death of a fool

As I sit here, on the cusp of a new life embrace I think about my recent fall from grace and the factors that contributed and the results that followed. It has been a very unexpected journey to say the least. It is a strange sort of reality when you are happy that the worst possible thing could have happened to your life and realised that it was actually the biggest blessing.

On the 4th of February this year, I attempted to take my own life because I had not been able to see that there could be anything else left for me in this world. Against all odds, and to the doctor's absolute shock, I woke up the next morning. I was spared - God Himself had brought me back from the precipice of destruction, how terribly blessed I have been. I think now about the man that I was before that day and I disgust myself at the thought - I had become a broken man that had lost his moral compass and value tree, all in the name of love. Was it really love, was it truly a nugget of gold that shines brighter than the sun? Surely if I was loved as much as I loved, the source of betrayal and mistrust would have been let go - I would have been worth that.

I think now and question how I had allowed myself to become complacent in a relationship that was, to my eyes and heart, one where my partner was being untrue and unfaithful, and being satisfied with a relationship of broken dreams and promises with no intention of ever being honoured. How had I become a man that saw the whole truth and more than ever needed, but stayed regardless believing that his love would be strong enough to inspire a change for the better. Nothing was ever going to change unless the source of destruction and pain was eliminated, and that was not in my power to do.

What had become of me? Where was that strong willed man who believed that unfaithfulness was never to be tolerated and who know his value and worth? Is that man still inside of me, yearning to get out? What is holding him back? Perhaps he had been holding onto shards for too long, in the belief of the good times and good memories to face the truth of the matter. Is that man with dreams and ambitions still hidden in my heart? Yes he is.

I see these men as two different people now, the foolish lover of cruelty and the life inspiring wünderman.

The foolish lover laid his head to rest on the 4th of February and died peacefully in his sleep, taking with him all the broken morals, betrayed values and unfaithful memories of online facades. That man will not and cannot live again. The last remnants of this man has been cleaned and purged from this world, and although his lonely cries still echo, he will never again become flesh in this world. He serves now as a reminder of a life not ever wanted. May he rest in peace.

What is left now is the inspiring wünderman that has a glint of gold in his eyes, veracity in his approach and will not settle for mediocrity or cowardice ever again. This man has no interest in what the world around him thinks, and will not change the reality of himself to gain approval of anyone else - ever again. You take him and accept him as he is. This man has a taste and desire for love of a true nature and will find that which awaits him; the pleasure of true monogamy and unity of 2 souls before God. The wünderman is going to change the world and pursue the dreams that has been envisioned and the destinies that await with gusto and without restraint. Truly living and not simply speaking - because hopes whispered through prison doors lose their appeal. He is a man that will not run from responsibility, but will maturely and with pride face the consequences of his actions and decisions.

I welcome to the word a man of wonder and man of courage and change.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Fire, oh fire

In the midst of the power crisis, I am blessed with a fireplace. Constant heat and light. I have enjoyed cuddling with a loved one and wine next to this very fire, watched the light flicker in the reflection of my cats eyes.

I will miss this.

Right under our feet

Many of us seek that which we will flee if we find it. I have seen this time and again, both in myself and in others. We seek, we search, and then we find a calling or a relationship that is a perfect reflection of our yearning and we turn away and go back to seeking, almost as though the light of our true-path was too bright for us, too vulnerable for us, too real for us.

This is a pattern that we have to recognize and heal or else we will never stop looking for what is already there.

True-path is not always around the next corner. Sometimes it’s right under our feet

Never give up...

A word of the wise

Musings on another mountain

I found myself on another mountain and some words came to mind. Seems I love poetry more than I expected.

- - - - -

A final untruth was given to bare
Freedom given from a possible bind
Now has spoken what needed to hear
My gift of grace and peace of mind

The present is what it now must be
Tomorrow is a future yet unseen
Liberty given from a pressure of old
Now can be what is meant to be

Finally I understand my mind divine
The friction caused between him and I
A past that could never be told goodbye
The present unhidden from my blessed eye

A future predicted over a present cry
Prayers answered for lonely hearts
Darkness revealed so it can heal
Not to run and hide from what can feel

The favour of love that was given
Then misused and now mistaken
Power greater than what was known
A past of pain not yet outgrown

Nothing to hide from eyes that see
Acceptance given always for free
Two hands used for one to heal
A shelter given safe to feel

Eternally there will be a space by me
Not friend no foe or lover to be
Inside always I chose to behold
The best in you will always know

For now is what is meant to be
Hard a mind will work to forget thee
A heart however not so easily swayed
For there I am sure forever will be

What has it become?

Proud.

For so long I had believed that my love was not enough, that my love was not good enough to inspire and motivate change. I believed that I was not worthy of the man I loved. The power of my love had seen me through forgiveness time and again, opportunities to turn from the darkness into the light. Yet I still believed I was not worthy, that I had achieved nothing. "If I was worthy, then surely things would have changed? He would see the pain and leave it be. Would his actions not reflect his words if I was truly worthy?", words that often crossed my mind.

For everything I was, everything I stood for, I lost faith in my own value and worth, I lost touch with the true power and potential of my love. There was nothing more that I could ever give, my love was absolute. My love was all encompassing. I had proved this to myself time and time again. I just needed to believe. 

I finally understood. Suddenly I feel that there is no more room for tears. I had already given the guidance I needed, I had already taught the lessons that I could. Love had been my greatest gift and through it everything was said. I continued to be shown and I had to see - to learn the final lesson meant for me:

All along I had been worthy, I was always good enough. My love was not lacking or inferior. There is nothing better than me out there. I was always worthy, and so to was he. We simply neglected too see it and sacrificing that which was never needed. Yes we were destined, always destined - but destined to love and be apart. I was and remain a flawed human being but as long as I have this love inside me, this love for me, I will always be perfect. God is love. God is in the heart, there where love resides. Follow your heart. Fear resides in the mind, following it simply takes you further away from God.

All that I can do, is to surrender.

 - - - - -

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. 

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. 

As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. 

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

- - - - -

The truth is I knew all the secrets, every emailer, online, offline and in-between illusion, from Phil and his fish to Johan and his "associate", even the Master of the Hills. Still I loved with a passion unmatched. That was my true contribution and I walk away knowing that I have given someone love as pure as I can, loved past the (un)secrets and beneath the masks. I have made mistakes and loved enough to admit them and fix them. I have loved. I have given true unconditional love. Even when nothing changed, and the pain remained - so too did love.

Perhaps that is the only true thing that I have left to say. As a soulmate I had stayed true to my role, both of us actually did - we shook the cages, we brought the worst to the front to be healed and made our true selves visible to ourselves. There was nothing else that we could do. We have loved. We had touched our bodies and reached our souls - what more is there to expect from the dynamic of love that we had shared? I feel blessed to have loved him, I feel blessed to have been able to bombard him with all the love that I had in my soul, through the pain and past the hurts. He may go happily into creation, knowing that there is, was and always will be one person who truly saw his bare self and loved every wound and scar, even when he did/does not love himself. We both walk proudly with that knowledge inside of us, we have seen the worst and loved.


There will be a freedom from the pain now, because something had finally changed. No longer is there the consequence of choosing me, no longer is there the (false pride) fear of disappointing another and no longer is there a push and pull for the inevitable vulnerability required to entirely surrender to the magic of true love. No longer is there a need to fight, to carefully and energetically hide the darkness from the one he loves, a darkness that was never hidden in the first place. There is freedom now from the yet unachievable self-made expectations.

I am proud of the sheer bulk of love that we gave. I am proud of myself for having the capacity to love so beautifully and intensely. I am proud of myself, that when love beckoned I surrendered and rode the wave of change that it required, embracing the sweet catalyst of change brought into my life - setting me up now for what is to come. I am proud of us, for holding on for as long as we did, to give love a chance. I am damn proud of us both. Equals in life and equals in love. I truly do not regret a single one of my decisions or their consequences, because I had the courage and tenacity to fight for what I wanted and believed in, letting go of that which was holding me back, I could expect nothing more from myself other than to surrender. I did and it was beautiful. I stayed true to myself and that of the life I want to lead.

There is really nothing left to say, no pain that can be explained, no truth that can be told, no secret that can be revealed - because I always knew it all, my God gift at work. There is no purpose in saying that I love him and always will, because he knows that. He knows too that I miss him. My love will never end, it can never end - it will continue to work through him and through me, giving the lessons that it intends and readying us for what is to come.

I walk away knowing that inside me I have faith, hope and love. I walk away knowing that I had achieved something special with someone special, but that the people we were is no longer the people that we are, our destinies for now had been reached. A new book opens. I start writing words of pride, words of success and words of truth. Only a new beginning awaits us now, a clean start and a wiser life.

I have bared, believed, hoped and endured all things - I know that I have loved, and know that love will never end. Everything really and truly is as it should be and there really is nothing left to say now, everything is already known. We are both, truly, always and unconditionally worthy of love.

Gone are the writings of such negativity. Only posts now of love, compassion, understanding, wisdom and hope remain. Never will it permeate through me again.

- - - - -


Thank you, again, for everything. 
Everything. 
Everything.
From beginning to very end,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Never stop learning and growing,
Always stay true to yourself.
Find your value deep inside.
Pardon your flaws and shortfalls, 
and strive to see that gold in your eyes.
Look up now and then and smile at the stars. 

Thank you for your silence.
Nothing was truly what I needed to hear.

Love always and forever.
Ry
xxx

Now I cry

Many months ago, the man I love(d) made the decision to walk away from all that which we were, are and could be. It was without a doubt the most gut wrenching experience of my life. We had both shed so many tears about each other and that which we will no longer be. I cried a river of tears. We both cried rivers of tears.

Months later, I am still shown the life that is now being led. The lies that have permeated to the morals and values once established by the man I love(d). The betrayal of own self that is occurring on a frequent basis and has become a new established self. I do not want this, I do not want to see and I do not want to feel. I do not want to cry the tears for him anymore. Yet still I see, still I get shown.

I have asked God on many occasions why, I have had arguments and discussions about the intention behind these sights and sounds, these emotions and hurt. Why? Why? Why? Just when I feel like I have let go and the universe had let go, I get another dream or insight that reminds me of what is being done and brings tears rolling down my cheeks. Tears of pain and remorse. Tears of heartbreak for the one that walked away, still I care so much, still I love so much that I have a purpose to achieve. God has answered my questions.

I was put on this earth to help those who need it. I have been given gifts of sight and gifts of words to help, to guide and to assist those who are lost on the path. Even when I had made the biggest mistake of my adult life, even when I deceived the one I love(d) to win him back and keep him safe inside me, my gifts were at work and did not falter on their purpose - instead they were meant to help me and bring me back onto the path I was intended to be on, by force when needed. I need to help. I have to help. I have to stay true to myself, always. I had tried to control the actions to prevent the pain before, but the universe ensures that the lessons learned are done so in the fashion they are required. I am there to guide, not to control - as much as it may hurt me.

Jeff Brown said it best: You are a truly great love that had to be let go. You are from the angelic realms, brought here to show others what lives beyond the practical world. You are here to bring others closer to what they are meant to do. You show people all the beauty that is possible. You have to be let go, for a lesson to be learned.

This is my gift, that is my purpose - to bring people closer to themselves and to show those who have experienced my love what is possible beyond the practical perception of their lives. This is why my tears had to fall, continued to fall, until I had done what I was supposed to do. One way or another. I had to put the guidance of my gift into the realm and know that it will be read and understood in the right time and in the right frame of life for those who it is intended.

From the most unexpected source I was given an answer to a question: "What is a soulmate? Well it’s like a best friend but more. It’s the one person in the world who knows you better than anyone else. It’s someone who makes you a better person. Actually they don’t make you a better person, you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone you carry with you forever. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then possibly leave. A soulmates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.  It’s the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would, not even yourself. And no matter what happens, you’ll always love them, nothing can ever change that.

 The fact of the truth is that I am not in control of the actions that others chose to take. Their actions and the resulting consequences are theirs to carry - however I can give guidance before a bad decision is made, or I can be there to help correct and advise after a bad decision had been made. I have learned my lesson the hard way in attempting to take control of the actions of others, especially those I love the most - whenIi try and take control I also take on the responsibility, and the truth is that sometimes you have to fall to learn the lesson.

I am being shown so that I can guide. I am seeing so I can teach. There is an incomplete story that I have to complete. If I do not teach, I will be straying from my true path intended for me, if I force myself to walk away now I will betray that which I have been blessed with. I can teach, but it is not my decision if others chose to learn.

For those who read this, and the posts that follow, open your heart and open your mind. Feel the love that I write with and understand the purpose of my words. They are gifts from the universe.

Forever,
Ry