As I sit here, on the cusp of a new life embrace I think about my recent fall from grace and the factors that contributed and the results that followed. It has been a very unexpected journey to say the least. It is a strange sort of reality when you are happy that the worst possible thing could have happened to your life and realised that it was actually the biggest blessing.
On the 4th of February this year, I attempted to take my own life because I had not been able to see that there could be anything else left for me in this world. Against all odds, and to the doctor's absolute shock, I woke up the next morning. I was spared - God Himself had brought me back from the precipice of destruction, how terribly blessed I have been. I think now about the man that I was before that day and I disgust myself at the thought - I had become a broken man that had lost his moral compass and value tree, all in the name of love. Was it really love, was it truly a nugget of gold that shines brighter than the sun? Surely if I was loved as much as I loved, the source of betrayal and mistrust would have been let go - I would have been worth that.
I think now and question how I had allowed myself to become complacent in a relationship that was, to my eyes and heart, one where my partner was being untrue and unfaithful, and being satisfied with a relationship of broken dreams and promises with no intention of ever being honoured. How had I become a man that saw the whole truth and more than ever needed, but stayed regardless believing that his love would be strong enough to inspire a change for the better. Nothing was ever going to change unless the source of destruction and pain was eliminated, and that was not in my power to do.
What had become of me? Where was that strong willed man who believed that unfaithfulness was never to be tolerated and who know his value and worth? Is that man still inside of me, yearning to get out? What is holding him back? Perhaps he had been holding onto shards for too long, in the belief of the good times and good memories to face the truth of the matter. Is that man with dreams and ambitions still hidden in my heart? Yes he is.
I see these men as two different people now, the foolish lover of cruelty and the life inspiring wünderman.
The foolish lover laid his head to rest on the 4th of February and died peacefully in his sleep, taking with him all the broken morals, betrayed values and unfaithful memories of online facades. That man will not and cannot live again. The last remnants of this man has been cleaned and purged from this world, and although his lonely cries still echo, he will never again become flesh in this world. He serves now as a reminder of a life not ever wanted. May he rest in peace.
What is left now is the inspiring wünderman that has a glint of gold in his eyes, veracity in his approach and will not settle for mediocrity or cowardice ever again. This man has no interest in what the world around him thinks, and will not change the reality of himself to gain approval of anyone else - ever again. You take him and accept him as he is. This man has a taste and desire for love of a true nature and will find that which awaits him; the pleasure of true monogamy and unity of 2 souls before God. The wünderman is going to change the world and pursue the dreams that has been envisioned and the destinies that await with gusto and without restraint. Truly living and not simply speaking - because hopes whispered through prison doors lose their appeal. He is a man that will not run from responsibility, but will maturely and with pride face the consequences of his actions and decisions.
I welcome to the word a man of wonder and man of courage and change.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
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