Proud.

For so long I had believed that my love was not enough, that my love was not good enough to inspire and motivate change. I believed that I was not worthy of the man I loved. The power of my love had seen me through forgiveness time and again, opportunities to turn from the darkness into the light. Yet I still believed I was not worthy, that I had achieved nothing. "If I was worthy, then surely things would have changed? He would see the pain and leave it be. Would his actions not reflect his words if I was truly worthy?", words that often crossed my mind.

For everything I was, everything I stood for, I lost faith in my own value and worth, I lost touch with the true power and potential of my love. There was nothing more that I could ever give, my love was absolute. My love was all encompassing. I had proved this to myself time and time again. I just needed to believe. 

I finally understood. Suddenly I feel that there is no more room for tears. I had already given the guidance I needed, I had already taught the lessons that I could. Love had been my greatest gift and through it everything was said. I continued to be shown and I had to see - to learn the final lesson meant for me:

All along I had been worthy, I was always good enough. My love was not lacking or inferior. There is nothing better than me out there. I was always worthy, and so to was he. We simply neglected too see it and sacrificing that which was never needed. Yes we were destined, always destined - but destined to love and be apart. I was and remain a flawed human being but as long as I have this love inside me, this love for me, I will always be perfect. God is love. God is in the heart, there where love resides. Follow your heart. Fear resides in the mind, following it simply takes you further away from God.

All that I can do, is to surrender.

 - - - - -

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. 

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. 

As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. 

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

- - - - -

The truth is I knew all the secrets, every emailer, online, offline and in-between illusion, from Phil and his fish to Johan and his "associate", even the Master of the Hills. Still I loved with a passion unmatched. That was my true contribution and I walk away knowing that I have given someone love as pure as I can, loved past the (un)secrets and beneath the masks. I have made mistakes and loved enough to admit them and fix them. I have loved. I have given true unconditional love. Even when nothing changed, and the pain remained - so too did love.

Perhaps that is the only true thing that I have left to say. As a soulmate I had stayed true to my role, both of us actually did - we shook the cages, we brought the worst to the front to be healed and made our true selves visible to ourselves. There was nothing else that we could do. We have loved. We had touched our bodies and reached our souls - what more is there to expect from the dynamic of love that we had shared? I feel blessed to have loved him, I feel blessed to have been able to bombard him with all the love that I had in my soul, through the pain and past the hurts. He may go happily into creation, knowing that there is, was and always will be one person who truly saw his bare self and loved every wound and scar, even when he did/does not love himself. We both walk proudly with that knowledge inside of us, we have seen the worst and loved.


There will be a freedom from the pain now, because something had finally changed. No longer is there the consequence of choosing me, no longer is there the (false pride) fear of disappointing another and no longer is there a push and pull for the inevitable vulnerability required to entirely surrender to the magic of true love. No longer is there a need to fight, to carefully and energetically hide the darkness from the one he loves, a darkness that was never hidden in the first place. There is freedom now from the yet unachievable self-made expectations.

I am proud of the sheer bulk of love that we gave. I am proud of myself for having the capacity to love so beautifully and intensely. I am proud of myself, that when love beckoned I surrendered and rode the wave of change that it required, embracing the sweet catalyst of change brought into my life - setting me up now for what is to come. I am proud of us, for holding on for as long as we did, to give love a chance. I am damn proud of us both. Equals in life and equals in love. I truly do not regret a single one of my decisions or their consequences, because I had the courage and tenacity to fight for what I wanted and believed in, letting go of that which was holding me back, I could expect nothing more from myself other than to surrender. I did and it was beautiful. I stayed true to myself and that of the life I want to lead.

There is really nothing left to say, no pain that can be explained, no truth that can be told, no secret that can be revealed - because I always knew it all, my God gift at work. There is no purpose in saying that I love him and always will, because he knows that. He knows too that I miss him. My love will never end, it can never end - it will continue to work through him and through me, giving the lessons that it intends and readying us for what is to come.

I walk away knowing that inside me I have faith, hope and love. I walk away knowing that I had achieved something special with someone special, but that the people we were is no longer the people that we are, our destinies for now had been reached. A new book opens. I start writing words of pride, words of success and words of truth. Only a new beginning awaits us now, a clean start and a wiser life.

I have bared, believed, hoped and endured all things - I know that I have loved, and know that love will never end. Everything really and truly is as it should be and there really is nothing left to say now, everything is already known. We are both, truly, always and unconditionally worthy of love.

Gone are the writings of such negativity. Only posts now of love, compassion, understanding, wisdom and hope remain. Never will it permeate through me again.

- - - - -


Thank you, again, for everything. 
Everything. 
Everything.
From beginning to very end,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Never stop learning and growing,
Always stay true to yourself.
Find your value deep inside.
Pardon your flaws and shortfalls, 
and strive to see that gold in your eyes.
Look up now and then and smile at the stars. 

Thank you for your silence.
Nothing was truly what I needed to hear.

Love always and forever.
Ry
xxx