Movies

To the drunkard at the movies. I love you man.
You waddles into the cinema, looking like you about to trip and fall, and made the evening even more comical than it was. (We went to go watch Bridesmaids so it was funny.)

You did flying leap kicks at the screen, missed completely and fell to the ground. More than once I might add. Yelled at the screen for people to kill each other, even though it was a comedy. When security came, you layed perfectly still in the dark corners and waited for them to pass. Brilliant maneuver!

Then you proceeded to take your shoes off and throw them at the screen! This you did not miss and the screen went all funky. Dude, people were not laughing at the movie, they were laughing at you. Just to let you know. I hope you enjoyed the movie though! :)

Love me online.

We have become people of infinite information. The internet and it's absolute unending tentacles, has given humanity more power and information at their finger tips than they have ever had before. What do we do with this power, we date of course. We are on the endless pursuit of love and affection. We put out information into online sites, putting out best feet forward, giving selling ourselves in 160 characters or less. Is that not just the absolute height of sophistication? I cannot judge, and will never judge, as I am also on those horrid dating/personal/hook-up sites. I too fell into the trap and got myself on there, and do not get me wrong, I have met some really awesome people on there, and some not so awesome people on there. I have seen more male reproductive organs than I have faces. It's horrifyingly great.

Here is the problem with it though. Online chatting allows you to be the absolute best that you would like to be. Your personality can be whom you want to be. It's dangerous. You start to develop "feelings" for these IP addresses, and you do know know them & should you get to the stage of a face-to-face meeting, you realize two vitally important things: 1) This person that you have gotten to know online and liked online and got on so well, actually does not have a personality type that you would want to get to know personally. 2) You would much rather talk to someone or exist as a virtual presence rather than sitting with this person face to face, because online, in your house, all safe and sound, you can be that person who you want to be. Straight off the bat.

The best about these sites, are those men who say that they are looking for something meaningful, and when you make contact and get a reply, it is the happiest moment that you have experienced that hour. You tentatively click on the Inbox icon, and the very first worlds that you are confronted with is SEX... Generally I would not complain, BUT I can see that they viewed my profile, and sex is not what I wanted. I dont want random sex & the reason I made contact with them, is because they also said that they do not. The bastards. So I was honest on my profile, and they do not even bother. Piss! What is the point.

Go out! Meet people face to face! (*I hear everyone yelling*) Let me get something crystal clear at this point. Going out is great. I am a gay person, so I would naturally go to gay clubs, however the ones that are in SA are either so dingy that I feel I need a full body condom before entering, and the other ones are so crowded with little groups of chattering men that there is barely a change to talk to your own friends, never mind making a new one. So online dating, connecting or chatting is honestly in my opinion the next best thing.

I do have some advice though peoples. Meet someone online. Go for it. BUT push for an initial meeting so that you know what you are working with. Personality match. Physical attraction. All those important things. It will work out better for everyone involved, and it will help you to waste less time chatting to someone whom you may not like in the long run.

On that note, lecture over, message end. Self destruct.
Happy online-ing! Your friendly IP!

The Move!

So there you sit with this guy right, you at the table of a nice restaurant or coffee shop or the movies, or just about anywhere really. His perfume is up your nose and tingling your senses and that happy spot at the base of your skull is tingling. You are having a delightful conversation, you get along on pressing topics, the check marks in your head are being ticked off one by one.

You see there hand resting there, it's so close to yours, all you must do it reach over and touch it. Feel the warms. Feel the rough texture against yours. Connect. Spark. You loose track of the conversation, because you are imagining the things to follow should you step over the threshold and reach out. You stop yourself, over and over again. Holding back. Killing yourself. The reverse possibilities could also happen, the bad things, the pull back, the look of "WTF!", and that is not worth the risk.

The coffee stops being ordered, the conversation is running platonic and you know the date is over. You enjoyed it. You feel unsatisfied. It's the perfect opportunity to hold onto that hand, to kiss those lips, it will spark the conversations you cannot have yet. You resist. You get the bill, pay the division, get up and go. You walk him to his car. You walk close. His hand only centimeters away from yours. TOUCH IT your conscious is screaming in your head. Just do it! (Says Nike).

You let your head down and walk. Feeling so ashamed of the fact that you are not as brave as you thought you were. You are not the person you want to be. You get to his car, you have idle small talk, you are both wondering whether to kiss or not. To hold them. You decide against. A friendly hug is all that is exchanged. Useless! So much more could be done. You walk away, insistent on not turning around. You walk back to your car, shoulders slumped, cursing yourself out for being so chicken shit.

Was that worth it you ask yourself? Is it worth the fact that you now feel shit, the guy probably thinking that you were not interested, and probably not going to make contact again? If you are lucky, you will get to the stage where you chat and find out that you really did just want to touch each other and hold each other. Neither having the balls to do so. Boys. Men. Peak down and spot a pair. You all have some hanging down there (unless you were in a weird hunting accident...). Be the one to make the first move, connect, touch and see what happens.

If you are unsure, then ask, say something, make it known that you want to touch but are unsure whether to do it. Even if you text the person sitting next to you and wait for a reply (it's a cute move, tried it once myself, worked well). Be the man. Make the move. Do it. Make it happen. The world is too short to let a gem slip you by. Live for the moment. Tomorrow is no guarantee!

Gay.

From the off, yes, I am gay, a homosexual, a faggot, queer or poef. Whichever name you want to call me. I have known that I am different in my sexual preference from a young age. However I did not come to terms with it until high school.

During this time, I saw how the world looks upon the gay community. With hatred and scorn. Those who are religious even more so than the average person. Here is the kicker though, I am a very proud Christian as well. So you can imagine, that just adds a whole new dimension to being ripped apart by society. "A GAY!!!! Christian? Noooo! It cannot be! Kill it with fire!" You poor ignorant people. Shame!

(This photo is of my cross and gay pride ring that I wear every day. As I cannot be just one or the other.)

People, let me explain something to ya'll! I believe that being gay is not a personal or private choice. I cannot remember to choose this when I was 12 (maybe it is sociological influence, or a damaging childhood, I don't know, people's opinions vary). I do not think that at such a young age I would choose a life path that will make me excluded and hated by society. I don't know if you can make such a life changing decision at such a young age? For example, on my fathers side of the family, there are gays littered all up and down. On my mother's side there are non. Is that just a coincidence? Genetics people! GEN-ET-ICS!

One of my greatest sadnesses is hearing of suicide in the gay community, more and more. Teased, bruised and broken by those who are closes to them, to the point of no return. My dearest wish for the world is that people would accept others, not just pretend to accept people, truly accept people for who and what they are. I do not have a disease, I am not a carrier of HIV, you cannot catch the "gay bug" from a handshake or even a hug. People of the world. Spread the word. Gay is human, human if life, life is precious.

Accept us people, we are not going anywhere. God is not going anywhere. This world is not going to split politely in the middle for your life and my life.

A drink, to the world. It's future in our hands!

In & Out of Time by Maya Angelou

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance...

our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out of time.

When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun

and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor

I had always loved you more.

You freed your braids...

gave your hair to the breeze.

It hummed like a hive of honey bees.

I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....

Mmmm...God how I love your hair.

You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.

Lost, injured, hurt by chance.

I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....

Trying to change our nightmares into dreams...

The sun has come.

The mist has gone.

We see in the distance our long way home.

I was always yours to have.

You were always mine.

We have loved each other in and out

in and out

in and out

of time.

Peter Gabriel - The Book of Love

Here is the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYbRugkyC7M

This song had always been special to me.
Love is not always magic, sparks and good times. There are boring times, trying times and sad times.

The book of love.

Pain.

 

Is pain something that I will ever get away from?
I have been thinking about it a lot over the last week. My heart has felt like it was in a vacuum sealer.

Getting tighter and tighter. Less air. Less room to move. It blows chunks!

So here are the thoughts that have been going through my head:

Do I run away? Make a new home somewhere else, and forget about all those men who have broken my heart? Will that help though? Wont there just be more men somewhere else that will break my heart? Is it worth uprooting my life and job? No, I decided against it. I will feel better no doubt, but the cost is too great.

Now crawling into a hole and dying, THAT, sounds to me like a good plan! It's simple, easy and very effective! But wait, there's more... What if I loose myself completely in this hole? Then I will be cutting out everything and everyone else that I love, who has been there for me and not broken my heart? That wouldn't be fair really. So there went that bloody option!

Time. Give it time? Okay, I get where you coming from. It makes sense. That's how I got over the others. But that was so painful, giving me so much of that bloody time to think and feel crap. It did get less and less though. So it did work in the end. It isn't unfair towards anyone else, and I learned a lot. I'll give it a try, not that I really have a choice to be honest. Time will tick on regardless.

Write a blog? That's works! If anyone reads it, cool, if they don't, cool! I dont know them anyway.
This is my mind. My slightly twisted mind having it's escape.

I will give myself time, but I will still think of the other options, they do have merit! :)