Alone with my thoughts

In recent weeks and months I have had the opportunity to truly be alone with my thoughts. To be alone with my prayers and the kaleidoscope that is my mind. God says that He has a plan for your life, and everything is as it should be, and I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my journey and life and making decisions based on the path that I want to be on and see myself on. I have re-connected with my soul, the fabric of my existence - being able to express myself in words on this blog, express my ideas and the ramblings of a creative mind.

I have been able too see my inner value, my God blessings, my gift to the world. My ability to see what lies ahead, to feel the pain of others, to understand the torture of a soul and not succumb to the force, to not crumble under their pressure. To guide and give insight as it is felt in my soul. This is my gift. The inner strength that boils inside me, the rock that my foundation is built on is what keeps me going and keeps the pain from others from me.

My infinite capacity to love is what fuels the gift inside me. My guru said to me, "One day, you will have the capacity to love the world." I do think that she was being overly dramatic, but who I am to disagree with her words and her vision. "With the gift of insight and guidance, combined with the capacity to love - you are a valuable person in life. The most precious of persons." A person blessed with such gifts, is blessed with a terrible curse - the knowledge one may not want to have. The strength inside me keeps that pain from me also. The love inside me helps me to forgive. Time helps me to forget.

I have reflected on the current state of my life, on my ample blessings and amazing people in my life - I am very fortunate to have the people I do surrounding me. The home that I live in. The cat that simply adores to be rubbed and make me laugh. Even the man that I once called my own is a blessing. I have learned to much from that relationship, and I am so thankful for the time that he gave me and that God gifted us. Yes, there were many mistakes made, inability to change, to accept fault and apologise. Inconsistency of word and action. All lessons that I have had to learn, that we (in-fact) have had to learn.

In my reflection time, with the gift of retrospect, you realise how quickly things can be fixed and changed - a happy life is easily obtainable. Yet retrospect for all it's blessings is also a curse if used incorrectly. My gifts allow me to see ahead, and my head reminds me constantly of the past. One good and one bad. Yin and Yang. The balance. I prefer though, to look forward now. To embrace the challenges ahead and to remember the blessings and teachings of life. To be thankful to the one I loved for what he gave me. To remember the good times. To pray for the future, and believe in God.

Do I want the man I used to call mine back? Of course I do, my heart is telling me yes. My head is telling me that I should be strong, stay strong, stay true and give the space that is required for him. The space that he so desperately needed. I cannot make contact, my place is now to stay silent and be patient and have faith in him and God. Soon I will stop checking my phone 100 times a day to see if there is a message. The ticking time is giving me comfort that in time I will continue to grieve and my heart will heal, soon the memories will become only memories. A lot has to change and be different, much that once was must be gone forever.

My capacity for love allows me infinite amounts of forgiveness. I must let go and believe in what is to be - as always - I must have faith in the course that God has for me. I have forgiven the man that I once called my own, entirely, we are only human after-all. I have forgiven and eventually time itself will make me forget - that is a comfort itself.

From those who are blessed, much is required.
Much is required from those who have the ability to change the world.

Stay blessed fellow readers,
Ry