Temptation

I have spent a lot of time understanding that which I am addicted to and why I am addicted to it. There is a lot to heal and a lot to fix and compassionately the universe will test me and tempt me to prove my strength to myself.

Struggling

Today I am struggling to contain what my heart is feeling. To put a bandage on the bleeding wounds.

Perhaps it is better to let it happen and let it go...

Here is a song for you, wherever you find yourself in the world right now.

https://youtu.be/HaMq2nn5ac0

Suicide

No longer shall I feel shame, no longer will I regret that which I have done. I had tried and was saved. There is so much that I have said, so many questions that I have asked and am now only receiving the answers. When you learn, teach.

To those who are suffering from depression, who believe that they are unworthy of life - know that you are not alone. I am hearing you, I am seeing you and I am understanding you. Never feel alone. Do not let depression win the war.

Can you imagine if I had to write this all down!

Be safe everybody.

Ry

Ultimately

Awakening...

After a very intense meeting with my guru I received very welcome information regarding the current stage of my life. I have never seen someone who has been that excited about the events that have been happening in my life. I was almost irritated at the positive nature of this woman. She was right tho, she always seems to be. On a side note, I realise now how blessed I am to have the amazing teachers and gugu's that I have had for this period.

She took her time and explained to me why this period in my life is the most blessed event to happen to me - she explained that she only went through this experience at the age of 35, and wished that she could have had the 7 year head start that I am now getting. She also explained that there are people who are only going through this awakening at the age of 50 and older. "You are blessed."

She explained to me that every single event that has happened until now in my life has had the intended purpose to bring me to this very point. This crescendo is the clear sign that everything has had to change, all the influences and external power accumulated has led to this inevitable point - to change everything in my life. To completely overhaul my life. To reconnect to that which I am meant to do in this life, to strive to my soul's true purpose and need. Everything needed to change, all the people in my life were meant to be divided between those who truly loves me and understands me, and those who have had only conditional love for me - those who have decided to look and focus on their own shallow pain and hurt instead of considering the factors at play in my life. All this has had to happen, and it had to happen now.

She gave me a deep and long look, searching through my heart and reading my soul like a book. She promptly told me that love is my souls need and goal. This is the journey that I am on. To find love, to give love and to love in general. She told me that this is usually the final lesson that a soul has to learn and attain to reach final enlightenment. She asked me if I have not suddenly experienced a change in my opinions, my insights and my feelings towards the aspects of my life? She was right, every single aspect of my life, from work, sex, life, and material possessions have changed entirely.

This was a sign that I have started listening to my soul and what it needs and requires from me to reach enlightenment. This was my soul journey, my life journey. Love.

As I have learned, first from "Seat of the Soul" and now with "Love it Forward" these words are being echoed from strangers, being communicated in new ways. From woundmate to soulmate, to intentions and reactions, laws and karma. I am more and more aware of that which I am on, the final path home. It is so exciting.

Only when I have learned the lessons of this pain and of these effects will I be ready, and be truly ready for love and for my soulmate and life companion. Not before. I need to learn now, to understand now, to truly search myself and find that which I need to change and heal the wounds left from many years ago. Once I have reached that level of enlightenment of myself will I be ready to get and be in a true and loving relationship - with a soulmate that is physically and spiritually unable to hurt me and I will be entirely unable to hurt him in return. If I do not learn, then I am destined to relive the lessons over and over, until I learn. I will encounter my woundmate time and time again, until I learn the lessons brought forward and brought to light by him.

To this end and feeling that this is what is required for me at this stage and with the understanding that I am immensely loved and I have support from many people and from God himself, I am going into a state of solitude - not loneliness, but content alone-ness. This includes social medias - including Facebook, Whatsapp and the alike. I need to get away from all that which distracts me and does not add any value to my life at this stage. I will interact with my family and with a select few friends that inspire me and have been with me through the difficult times, but no more of the meaningless interactions with "friends" that I am only good enough for for a good time or for fun events or for money or support. My interactions with people will be minimal but fruitful, and my interaction with God and nature will be plentiful and enriching.

Only when I am truly silent will I hear the voice of God.

I will continue to write on my blog, to film, to speak, as I am speaking to no-one and everyone all at once. It is not a dialogue it is my expression.  Perhaps I may just help someone in the process of helping myself again.

Here is to the journey, dear friends and strangers.
Ry

Book Club #1

If there is one book in life that has changed the way I look at the world, at myself, at the people in my life, the hurt, the relationships, the addictions and the karma - it is Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.

A well written, detailed and amazingly refreshing look at the world around me. I would recommend this book to all my friends, family, loved ones and strangers. Read it.

We have so much to learn and the person who believes they have learned all they can, needs this book the most.

It will change your life!

Where ever you are...

In the silence...

In the last few months and weeks I have been blessed with the time to truly be by myself. I do not have the financial means to run away, to go and hide or to distract myself with all the temporary enjoyments and fulfillment in life. I have had to knuckle down, prioritize my finances and understand that I am bound at home for now.

For a few days, about a week I would say, I felt so trapped. I felt like I am wasting so much precious time on this earth - all I wanted was to break free and go on an adventure, drive to a new place, see something I have never seen before. I was restless to the maximum degree - with this unbelievable urge to get out and run. This was coupled by my withdrawal from the gay online dating and sexual scene which was my distraction and my "ego boost" to make myself feel wanted, as much as I felt "good" I actually ended up feeling worse about myself because I had labelled myself "good enough" for a one night, that did not sit well with me - I know my worth (but that is another story).

Then my perspective changed.

I decided to sit down and take a long deep look at myself and understand why I have this urge to run, to get away, to be anywhere but here. I was threatened. By my own life. Threatened by what I will discover and what it will be and who I will be. I discussed this with my psychologist and he agreed with me adding some of his perspective to the mix and aiding to my understanding.

I was anxious to be alone because I did not want to have to think about myself and my future and past and everything that was, is and shall be. I did not want to, so my frontal cortex initiated my fight or flight instinct and I wanted to bolt. This was as fight I did not want to participate in, however, I did not have a choice. Without the money to afford a distraction, to go away, to be somewhere else, without the online distraction, I had to bite down hard and take the plunge.

In the silence I took a deep dive into myself, to a totally open and honest level - it is amazing how people lie to themselves to make themselves feel better - I however decided to be ruthlessly honest with myself and face my demons and my vision head on. When you are threatened, even by yourself, you tend to go into the comfort of the darkness and cloak yourself with that to hide your pain or your anger, insecurities or low self-esteem from others - I shed that cloak and lit the light in the darkness. It was so scary what I saw hiding with me in that darkness.

These monsters long thought forgotten - insecurities that only made themselves aware at the most desperate of times. There were skeletons hidden that I had chosen to forget about, yet every time I retreated to my loneliness and darkness these monsters had kept me company. Whispering always. Being there, with their influence.

I had recently met with a gugu and was expressly told that there are many people who would explain themselves as "sorted", "easy going" etc etc that have yet to explore anything about the past, have not spent any time to truly understand their lives and learn the lessons. Business men, pastors, priests and even the most holiest of beings need to sit quietly and investigate that which is them. The darkness that they carry around and chose to hide in, the life changing mistakes that they have yet to learn a lesson from and grow as a person. He went on to say that those who believe they have learned all about themselves, who are content and comfortable with themselves - has not yet understood themselves and are destined to repeat the mistakes of the past. To continue to succumb to that which the darkness hides. If you ever stop learning and changing, shaping and evolving your life, then you are no longer living - then you have failed the most basic test of the universe.

So here I was in the darkness that I found so comforting before, but had now shed a light. It became a war, a daily fight with that which I found. Many hours of writing letters to God and myself, meditating and understanding. In order to kill the Hydra, it is not simply cutting off the heads, no no, that grows back - you have to find the root, the reason that hydra is alive - its heart - and the root of the problem. There you have to kill, there you have to destroy that which looms in the darkness - and the only way of doing that is to admit, to surrender to that which was, to embrace the lesson and to let go of the shame. Understand and forgive yourself, for yourself and your flaws. Pardon your flaws - we are all human.

The secret is brutal honesty. without constraint and without hesitation. I have noticed in all people that there is a tendency to hide that which they are not happy with inside themselves. There is an inherent shame. So we tend to tell ourselves and convince ourselves of the opposite, that the demons are not ours and not real. We hide it and deny it - until that is the facade that we present by default. Once you can truly take off the masks, drop the facades and embrace that about yourself which you do not like, then you are growing, then you create the opportunity of change and understanding.

Do not hide from yourself. It is the ultimate bluff. Admit your mistakes and your wrong-doings. You are only human, as am I. Everyone has made errors of judgements, however, it takes true courage to not hide behind it, to not allow yourself to hide behind a mask, to not put yourself in another box because you have placed to much emphasis on your external locus of identity. You hide to satisfy the world, to not disappoint, to be liked and loved - but at the end, the darkness envelops you and the hydra will whisper.

I have delved deep, deeper than I have ever. I willingly admit my mistakes and make a decision to learn from everyone. To not regret anything done - because everything is an experience. It was scary, that darkness that was once so comforting, but it is the cowardly way to go, it is the way to surrender to fear and stop yourself from learning and growing. I have always deemed myself as an understanding and forgiving man, believing in the magic of love - I am done hiding now, and one day someone will come across my path who is no longer ashamed of their past, who has unlocked all the nesting dolls and stands bare before me, as I do before him - and we will love each other in another level and with another soul and heart yet attained.

Do not shift blame for that which has happened to you, perhaps you have only received the impact of your actions on another. Third law of motion. It is okay to make mistakes.

From the candle lit darkness I emerge a wiser person, a stronger man, a better companion and a more complete person. Who else has the courage to rid themselves of distraction and to truly look inwards? To be brutally honest? According to the guru - very few.

Keep strong my friends. Investigate the darkness. Light a candle. Climb out of the boxes of shame. Learn from every mistake and you will see the blessing in it. Do not condemn yourself to a life of isolation because you do not understand yourself - that truly is the highest form of ignorance.

Ry

No regrets

For everything that has transpired and what has happened, I do not regret any of it. I would do it again. He was worthy of that and always was. I would walk the path again just wiser and stronger.

Musings on the mountain #1

So here it is, the first installment of my video blog. Slightly a different path to what I had taken in my previous epic fail, but hey, shit happens!

This is real. This all me. I was very shy at first but then got into it - and really enjoyed the ability to express myself.

Enjoy!

Ry

Everyday

Probably the most accurate description I have seen thus far.

This is a challenging battle. Up hill all the time.

I am a juggernaut and will overcome all!

Lets climb a mountain

My first ever video blog.... aaaand my camera ran out of battery. #epicfail

I will reshoot this video with a full battery and with less walking and shaking, the story is rather amazing and gave me so much to think about - especially about relationships, self worth and responsibility. It was a revitalizing hike (which will definitely be repeated) and a soul nourishing conversation.

At the end of our conversation, as Shauri left, I asked her one final question that left me breathless. Next video will explain it all :)

i, Bipolar

So it has been a fair couple of weeks now since I was diagnosed as bipolar and I am only now starting to come to terms with what it means for me and what effect it has had on me in the past and the effect that it will have on me in the future.

Unlike traditional physical illnesses like a broken arm, heart attack, HIV/Aids, cancer or even fibro which contains a number of physical and visible symptoms that can be accurately tested medically with specific results and medication that can precisely monitor and heal, a mental illness had no physical symptoms and is a very silent condition. There are no precise blood tests that can monitor the chemicals in your mind because they are so minute and there is no exact medication that can guarantee results. Mental illness is something that is very misunderstood and entirely underfunded  for research.

Essentially what bipolar is, is a phantom that has very unpredictable outcomes with medication that cannot guarantee a result. It is a silent killer than can influence the way you experience life with such dramatic outcomes that you take your own life to end the pain. It is such a scary thing actually - and can be entirely overwhelming. It is a mental fight with a disease that is specifically designed to reduce mental ability and rationality. A war against yourself and the darkest parts of your being.

From my research it is found that bipolar disorder can be either inherited, depression evolves due to prolonged period of emotional and mental distress or damage done to the frontal lobe of the brain.

From my point of view and from my experiences, now that I have been made aware of it and being treated to help stabalise the chemicals in my brain I can suddenly experience and identify the patterns that my life has taken and match that with common symptoms recorded and also symptoms posted by members on the bipolarsa support group. I have experienced an intense lack of concentration, irrationality, irritability, lack of motivation for common tasks, inability to complete tasks and a sense of overwhelming and loneliness. Just imagine feeling all of these emotions in one day? Feeling a sense of complete lack of worth and desire. It is very frightening. The effects on anyone's life can be catastrophic.

Just imagine what an insecurity can become when it is fed from the outside and accentuated from the inside? It can become all consuming and controlling.

I have made terrible mistakes in the last few months, while being on the lowest of my lows and feeling the most unwanted and unworthy of happiness, feeling as tho I have served no good purpose by good actions done, in a word: useless, being as entirely consumed as I could by this depression, feeling only brief moments of manic happiness when decisions made are entirely irrational and reckless with no regard. I was in a desperate state of heart and a broken state of mind and made horrible mistakes.

I have however made the decision that I will not, refuse to and entirely stand against allowing my mistakes to repeat themselves (otherwise they are deliberate choices) and I will no longer allow myself to be consumed by this depression and disease. I remember a time when I was a juggernaut intent on ruling the world, and that is exactly what I am doing.

I am working hard to find a job that will take me in the direction I want to go, I am working every day on controlling my mind and where my thoughts allow me to go, I am on medication that is helping to stabalise me, I am working daily to incorporate the old healthy routines have had. I am rebuilding my life from the ground up and I am excited. Scared but excited. I have a comfort in knowing that things are as they should be and that with God I am empowered to do anything.

The journey is going to be long and tough, however I am not ashamed of who I am and what mistakes I have made. I am not defined by my mistakes and will not allow them to dictate where my life should go and how I should behave. Lesson learned, stronger man and better path.

To the up days.
To the down days.
To the achievements.
To the lessons learned.
To the smiles
To forgiveness
To internal value and worth
To God
To living life as I want it

CHEERS!

Lazy days...

Aaah the life of my cat. So peaceful and so very relaxed.... I'm jealous! 

Inspired all day...

No more hiding.

Tessa

I knew this woman once. Outwardly her appearance was unintrusive and very approachable. She was a plain Jane.

Tessa was someone who looks out of others, that was her drive, ambition and her destiny. Half human and half angel. Unique in every way. Tessa was very gifted and very blessed with many God given abilities of healing, compassion, wisdom and grace.

I met Tessa at a concert a few years ago, in the strangest of circumstance. I used to get extremely overwhelmed with large volumes of people, so you can just imagine how uneasy I would be at a concert with thousands of people around, pushing and shoving. At this particular concert I was walking around during the show to get away from the crowds and still my anxiety when she showed up. She had noticed my anxiety and came to help - as is her nature.

With her magic touch and words of wisdom I no longer felt overwhelmed by the crowds. It was truly staggering the effect she had on me. I was gobsmacked and blessed at the same time. The words of wisdom provided came in the form of guidance, about looking through the masks of the one closest to me. It was confusing advice at the time and it was something that I would think about often.

Tessa, in her special way has taught me many things and many lessons, giving me guidance and offering warnings of pitfalls and roadblocks that needed to be checked and changed to avoid disaster. If only those warnings were truly headed and the changes that needed to be made were made.

Tessa it seems has more to teach me. Answers to long had questions and clarity on what is yet unseen by me.

I am to continue as planned with my activities and it will find me, she says so aptly. Nothing with her is conventional, but I know that it is always worth it.

Half angel and half human. She is always watching from a distance and caring from afar. Not always visible but always there.

That is my watcher and her name is Tessa.

I am not perfect

I will never pretend that I am perfect and without flaws. In fact I have many of those - and I am not ashamed of them. In fact the opposite, I have filet myself in the past and layed all my flaws and mistakes out in the open for one man to see, and promised to fix that which was broken. That was a humbling and strange experience - pushing me over some sort of edge of self destruction. That being said I have now had the opportunity to fix that which was broken and work on that which still needs to be fixed.

Through all my flaws and all my failures, insecurities and pain I have given love in abundance, security, safety, comfort, peace and body and souls healing. I gave onto love what love needs to be fulfilled.

As the prophet put it (for full Kahlil Gibran on love click here):

"When love beckons to you, follow him, 
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully."

Fellow bloggers, I have bled willingly and joyfully - through all the pinions that wounded me I surrendered to that which is love, and believed that love will have the power to fulfill the needs I could not provide for. Love is the ultimate of strongest forces, being the root of forgiveness and understanding, the arm of support and the embrace of acceptance.

Love does not and cannot live in silence, it cannot be ignored and it needs the freedom to create and speak onto those it effects. I have loved. Tenderly and passionately. I have wandered off the path for love to beckon to me, and followed him. When love speaks to me, I will believe in him.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. 
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.  

Is this not the purpose of love? I have watched love turn around and walk away, driven by self doubt and insecurity - whispered to by the silent darkness and pain. For love is sufficient unto love.

 

No I am definitely not perfect. I have caused pain and hurt by my actions. I had lost the power of love and succumbed to the power of doubt and fear. All I can say is that I have learned many lessons, and I will never be the man I was before - because love has taught me a great many things and continue to do so daily.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

In between my life moves

I found this image and little piece of wisdom so true and it resonates so much with my heart and my mind.

Wouldn't give nothing..

I wouldn't give nothing for my journey now, for my journey now. I wouldn't give nothing.

Totes agreed!

Decisions decisions

There comes a moment of honesty where you truly understand the effects of your decisions and action.

There is no hiding, there is no running and there is no denying the decisions made to bring us to the very point in our lives we find ourselves.

At the moment of clarity you look back and realise the reactions to the actions done were not always appropriate, and sometimes the action against you is the reaction to something else done.

It is a complicated seat of the soul we find ourselves in.

Thank you, for me

When making the decision to focus on being thankful and the positive, I had forgotten to think inward and be grateful for what I have and who I am and what I contributed and continue to contribute even if silently and from a distance. So here goes.

I am thankful for the intensity in which I love and had experienced love. With my full force and my full soul.

I am thankful that I have the freedom of giving to provide healing, happiness, fulfillment, comfort and security. Giving freely and with pure love. Letting go of a comforting darkness to embrace the unknown brightness of the light.

I am thankful for the home that I could and can provide to my friends and loved ones when their home no longer felt like home and when they had no where else to go.

I am thankful that I have had and continue to have the means to give as much as I can, to contribute financially as I can and help those who need the money. To have the ability to save and give from my heart and soul.

I am thankful that I have fought battles for others when they have been to broken or weak, to take the blows and absorb the effects without hesitation and with love. May I continue to have the strength.

I am thankful for the insight and vision received to prevent problems, to protect and to give advise. Perhaps not always applied or accepted, but provided when needed.

I am thankful for the courage to admit my mistakes and flaws, the wisdom to change that which I can, the heart to sacrifice that which was necessary, the tenacity to not allow my mistakes to define me and the power to stand up after the fall.

I am thankful for the compassion the understanding, open heart and Holy guidance to forgive and the belief in a happy future and hope for the love everlasting.

They say the quickest way to lose someone is to take them for granted, I have realised that it applies internally also. Regardless of my current state of health, the purity of my blood or the strength in my arms - now is when I stop taking myself for granted as others have. Believing in my own love, my desires and my strength to get me through, to obtain that which I desire and deserve and to thank God for all the gifts and blessings.

Learning every day...

I did!

Forgiven

At long last a broken mind has been able to reconcile the events of the past, finally understanding the checks and balances, seeing things for the brutal truth that they are and have been.

It is enough to sheer a heart into many pieces and fracture a soul into shards, yet it is a strange freedom and comfort. To be shown the truth, in all its detail and glory, a truth long denied and often overlooked and forgiven.

It is strange, the silent hope that remained, that flicker of light in the broken corners of my heart. A silent waiting for something to change. The silence was deafening and the waiting agonising. I had the solution but was gagged by many forces and limitations.

Finally I have reconciled the pain from the actions, understanding the actions and their root driver, putting the pieces together and finally getting my answers. The 3rd law of motion.

Oh how I loved you, with my all and everything, unconditionally and completely and shown and proved time and time again. I chose you, for all your flaws and loved you in spite of everything, giving much when I had little, giving what was in my means always. I loved you so strongly and so truly.

I chose now to no longer focus on the negative aspects of you, of us (although easier, is the cowardice thing to do). I have been praying and saying daily thanks for the blessings of our relationship and our love, the good lessons that I have learned from the hurt and dissapointment even at the bitter end. I have been blessed to feel love like I have, and to love as fiercely as I did. The biggest mistake of my life was generated out of the pure intensity of my love for you and I take that as a lesson in itself. It will become my greatest blessing.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything good that you have done for me in the short time we were blessed together and thank you truly for the lessons learned from the hard times.

Thank you, TVK, and regardless if you read this, it is my written message for you, my thank you and my declaration. How I wish things could be different, however they are as they should be, the natural consequence and the 3rd law that applies so strongly.

As I said in a precious post, perhaps in days, weeks, months or years to come out paths will cross again and we will have grown enough as citizens of the universe to truly appreciate each other and be ready for the magnanimity of the love we shared and is destined for. A new beginning and completely clean start. All I can do is pray, always, for you and for me.

In another day and another life perhaps.

I forgive you, for all the pain, for all the hurt and for all the decisions that had a negative effect. I forgive you. I understand now. I have been given the answer and been given the clarity. I am so sorry for many things, but I am the most sorry that I could not save you, me or us. It weighed heavily on me for a long time and I carried much guilt.

I forgive myself for the bad decisions that I have made, for the hurt that I have caused and the pain that I inflicted. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness, and leave it to you. It is not something taken, it is given.

To the amazing victories and achievements of the future, may we be blessed. May we have in abundance and appreciate even the smallest of gifts and grace.

Be safe. Be strong. Be healthy. Be wise. Be valuable. Be good.

For the final time, until God decides different: I love you TVK, always did and probably always will. I miss you.

Go and be at peace, wander in joy and believe in magic.

Goodbye, farewell, so long and thank you!
Ry