In the last few months and weeks I have been blessed with the time to truly be by myself. I do not have the financial means to run away, to go and hide or to distract myself with all the temporary enjoyments and fulfillment in life. I have had to knuckle down, prioritize my finances and understand that I am bound at home for now.
For a few days, about a week I would say, I felt so trapped. I felt like I am wasting so much precious time on this earth - all I wanted was to break free and go on an adventure, drive to a new place, see something I have never seen before. I was restless to the maximum degree - with this unbelievable urge to get out and run. This was coupled by my withdrawal from the gay online dating and sexual scene which was my distraction and my "ego boost" to make myself feel wanted, as much as I felt "good" I actually ended up feeling worse about myself because I had labelled myself "good enough" for a one night, that did not sit well with me - I know my worth (but that is another story).
Then my perspective changed.
I decided to sit down and take a long deep look at myself and understand why I have this urge to run, to get away, to be anywhere but here. I was threatened. By my own life. Threatened by what I will discover and what it will be and who I will be. I discussed this with my psychologist and he agreed with me adding some of his perspective to the mix and aiding to my understanding.
I was anxious to be alone because I did not want to have to think about myself and my future and past and everything that was, is and shall be. I did not want to, so my frontal cortex initiated my fight or flight instinct and I wanted to bolt. This was as fight I did not want to participate in, however, I did not have a choice. Without the money to afford a distraction, to go away, to be somewhere else, without the online distraction, I had to bite down hard and take the plunge.
In the silence I took a deep dive into myself, to a totally open and honest level - it is amazing how people lie to themselves to make themselves feel better - I however decided to be ruthlessly honest with myself and face my demons and my vision head on. When you are threatened, even by yourself, you tend to go into the comfort of the darkness and cloak yourself with that to hide your pain or your anger, insecurities or low self-esteem from others - I shed that cloak and lit the light in the darkness. It was so scary what I saw hiding with me in that darkness.
These monsters long thought forgotten - insecurities that only made themselves aware at the most desperate of times. There were skeletons hidden that I had chosen to forget about, yet every time I retreated to my loneliness and darkness these monsters had kept me company. Whispering always. Being there, with their influence.
I had recently met with a gugu and was expressly told that there are many people who would explain themselves as "sorted", "easy going" etc etc that have yet to explore anything about the past, have not spent any time to truly understand their lives and learn the lessons. Business men, pastors, priests and even the most holiest of beings need to sit quietly and investigate that which is them. The darkness that they carry around and chose to hide in, the life changing mistakes that they have yet to learn a lesson from and grow as a person. He went on to say that those who believe they have learned all about themselves, who are content and comfortable with themselves - has not yet understood themselves and are destined to repeat the mistakes of the past. To continue to succumb to that which the darkness hides. If you ever stop learning and changing, shaping and evolving your life, then you are no longer living - then you have failed the most basic test of the universe.
So here I was in the darkness that I found so comforting before, but had now shed a light. It became a war, a daily fight with that which I found. Many hours of writing letters to God and myself, meditating and understanding. In order to kill the Hydra, it is not simply cutting off the heads, no no, that grows back - you have to find the root, the reason that hydra is alive - its heart - and the root of the problem. There you have to kill, there you have to destroy that which looms in the darkness - and the only way of doing that is to admit, to surrender to that which was, to embrace the lesson and to let go of the shame. Understand and forgive yourself, for yourself and your flaws. Pardon your flaws - we are all human.
The secret is brutal honesty. without constraint and without hesitation. I have noticed in all people that there is a tendency to hide that which they are not happy with inside themselves. There is an inherent shame. So we tend to tell ourselves and convince ourselves of the opposite, that the demons are not ours and not real. We hide it and deny it - until that is the facade that we present by default. Once you can truly take off the masks, drop the facades and embrace that about yourself which you do not like, then you are growing, then you create the opportunity of change and understanding.
Do not hide from yourself. It is the ultimate bluff. Admit your mistakes and your wrong-doings. You are only human, as am I. Everyone has made errors of judgements, however, it takes true courage to not hide behind it, to not allow yourself to hide behind a mask, to not put yourself in another box because you have placed to much emphasis on your external locus of identity. You hide to satisfy the world, to not disappoint, to be liked and loved - but at the end, the darkness envelops you and the hydra will whisper.
I have delved deep, deeper than I have ever. I willingly admit my mistakes and make a decision to learn from everyone. To not regret anything done - because everything is an experience. It was scary, that darkness that was once so comforting, but it is the cowardly way to go, it is the way to surrender to fear and stop yourself from learning and growing. I have always deemed myself as an understanding and forgiving man, believing in the magic of love - I am done hiding now, and one day someone will come across my path who is no longer ashamed of their past, who has unlocked all the nesting dolls and stands bare before me, as I do before him - and we will love each other in another level and with another soul and heart yet attained.
Do not shift blame for that which has happened to you, perhaps you have only received the impact of your actions on another. Third law of motion. It is okay to make mistakes.
From the candle lit darkness I emerge a wiser person, a stronger man, a better companion and a more complete person. Who else has the courage to rid themselves of distraction and to truly look inwards? To be brutally honest? According to the guru - very few.
Keep strong my friends. Investigate the darkness. Light a candle. Climb out of the boxes of shame. Learn from every mistake and you will see the blessing in it. Do not condemn yourself to a life of isolation because you do not understand yourself - that truly is the highest form of ignorance.
Ry
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