i, Bipolar

So it has been a fair couple of weeks now since I was diagnosed as bipolar and I am only now starting to come to terms with what it means for me and what effect it has had on me in the past and the effect that it will have on me in the future.

Unlike traditional physical illnesses like a broken arm, heart attack, HIV/Aids, cancer or even fibro which contains a number of physical and visible symptoms that can be accurately tested medically with specific results and medication that can precisely monitor and heal, a mental illness had no physical symptoms and is a very silent condition. There are no precise blood tests that can monitor the chemicals in your mind because they are so minute and there is no exact medication that can guarantee results. Mental illness is something that is very misunderstood and entirely underfunded  for research.

Essentially what bipolar is, is a phantom that has very unpredictable outcomes with medication that cannot guarantee a result. It is a silent killer than can influence the way you experience life with such dramatic outcomes that you take your own life to end the pain. It is such a scary thing actually - and can be entirely overwhelming. It is a mental fight with a disease that is specifically designed to reduce mental ability and rationality. A war against yourself and the darkest parts of your being.

From my research it is found that bipolar disorder can be either inherited, depression evolves due to prolonged period of emotional and mental distress or damage done to the frontal lobe of the brain.

From my point of view and from my experiences, now that I have been made aware of it and being treated to help stabalise the chemicals in my brain I can suddenly experience and identify the patterns that my life has taken and match that with common symptoms recorded and also symptoms posted by members on the bipolarsa support group. I have experienced an intense lack of concentration, irrationality, irritability, lack of motivation for common tasks, inability to complete tasks and a sense of overwhelming and loneliness. Just imagine feeling all of these emotions in one day? Feeling a sense of complete lack of worth and desire. It is very frightening. The effects on anyone's life can be catastrophic.

Just imagine what an insecurity can become when it is fed from the outside and accentuated from the inside? It can become all consuming and controlling.

I have made terrible mistakes in the last few months, while being on the lowest of my lows and feeling the most unwanted and unworthy of happiness, feeling as tho I have served no good purpose by good actions done, in a word: useless, being as entirely consumed as I could by this depression, feeling only brief moments of manic happiness when decisions made are entirely irrational and reckless with no regard. I was in a desperate state of heart and a broken state of mind and made horrible mistakes.

I have however made the decision that I will not, refuse to and entirely stand against allowing my mistakes to repeat themselves (otherwise they are deliberate choices) and I will no longer allow myself to be consumed by this depression and disease. I remember a time when I was a juggernaut intent on ruling the world, and that is exactly what I am doing.

I am working hard to find a job that will take me in the direction I want to go, I am working every day on controlling my mind and where my thoughts allow me to go, I am on medication that is helping to stabalise me, I am working daily to incorporate the old healthy routines have had. I am rebuilding my life from the ground up and I am excited. Scared but excited. I have a comfort in knowing that things are as they should be and that with God I am empowered to do anything.

The journey is going to be long and tough, however I am not ashamed of who I am and what mistakes I have made. I am not defined by my mistakes and will not allow them to dictate where my life should go and how I should behave. Lesson learned, stronger man and better path.

To the up days.
To the down days.
To the achievements.
To the lessons learned.
To the smiles
To forgiveness
To internal value and worth
To God
To living life as I want it

CHEERS!