Harvest Moon

So yesterday I heard this song, by Neil Young - and as I listened to the lyrics and the music, I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach - and the truth hit home. I remembered the dances I shared with my once partner, in hotel rooms and random times - without music, just us, swaying to music. Tears welled in my eyes and I excused myself - what a beautiful memory to keep.

Come a little bit closer

Hear what I have to say

Just like children sleepin'

We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon risin'

Let's go dancin' in the light

We know where the music's playin'

Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers

I watched you from afar

When we were lovers

I loved you with all my heart.

But now it's gettin' late

And the moon is climbin' high

I want to celebrate

See it shinin' in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

So the Holy truth, of the Holy truth is that I am not done loving yet. So many lessons that I have learned, so many life changing and altering lessons, that I am applying to my life and improving myself. It is scary having feelings of loving someone, who wants to let you go. All things fade in time. For now, I take a strange comfort in my love, as I have before.

This path I am on is meant for loneliness - to truly understand. To truly allow myself to feel.

I am blessed to be connected to amazing friends and family who I see regularly - yet there is still something missing, that enhances my life. I am not done loving yet.

Let the wind carry the words across the oceans and mountains, and your mind fill with memories dancing...

May God help me through this journey, through many harvest moons - through healing and growth. Through peace, light and happiness. Pieces come together one by one. I have faith always.

Yours always, dear readers.

Ry

Letters to God

The last few weeks and months, I have been spending a lot of time writing my prayers down. Writing to God as though he was my best friend. Openly an honestly. I always find that I end up writing pages, for hours - just writing. The sheer act of writing opens my mind to everything I did not think I had to say. It is truly amazing.

I would take these letters, fold them away and keep them in a special place next to my bible. They are prayers, they are meant to be kept safe. Yesterday however, I started reading each one out loud - the tears of the pain I felt while writing shamelessly flowed and as I finished each one, I would burn it - allowing the smoke to carry my message to God, to the universe. In flashes of light and intense heat, each letter would be taken, it's contents released from my soul and handed over to God. The joy, the gratefulness of the love that I had for a brief time, the passion and memories filled my mind and gave me the peace that God had intended for His children. The comfort of futures not yet known, the knowledge that God has a plan bigger than I can imagine for myself - replaced the pain and tears.

The words that I read, the lessons that I have learned, the pleading and pain I captured - let go. Each word I read, I would feel. Each feeling I would allow and be absorbed by, but then I would let go as the paper gets turned into light and heat. Each flash of light would make the tears shimmer, each gust of heat would dry them. My ritual of letting go. Getting it out.

Letters to the one I once loved. The letters full of promises of hope and futures, of forgiveness, of questions and confusion  - soon followed. They were really letters to God after all, letters to release my pain and anger, to forgive and move forward. Every letter had claimed its tear and every flash of fire had taken them and released me. I am not ready to let go, not yet. I believe in my future not yet seen and the lessons learned, and the change that needs to happen.

My letters to God. My prayers. They belong to the universe now.

Let go of what was.
Believe in what will be.
Have endless faith.
Love hard.
Ry

Balance

Sometimes, losing balance for love is part of living a balanced life - The Guru

My sadness, my strength

At long last I have remembered that I have this blog, and that have the ability to write on it. I have read my previous posts, reflecting on my life at those various stages of existence - and I marvel at how my life has changed and stayed the same.

A lot has changed, myself as a person probably the most. So much I have learned about myself, my behaviours and my emotions. Things I did not realise in the past - and have now accepted and am in the process of changing. The love that completed my life, I have had to part with - causing such a gap in my life that I cannot begin to completely understand.

Much has changed, and much has stayed the same.

I have known a love so strong, so utterly and completely devoted, a love so intensely felt that I lost myself in it - completely and entirely. It was a good love. A man who made me smile and made me cry. A man who gave me wings and helped me fly. Many mistakes made from both sides. Fatal mistakes. Nothing changed, so nothing changed. Down the path of eventuality we walked.

I miss this man who gave me such strong feelings of love and devotion. I am haunted constantly by memories, both happy and devastating - emotions that will linger for a lifetime. I am not ashamed to say that I am still very much in love with this man. However, I am wise enough to know that I have to let go for now - for the better of us both. Time is the ultimate conquerer, taking away many things and eventually life itself.

My prayers are filled with hope and love, with desire and forgiveness - yet my mind is slowly letting go, piece by piece, as is the natural and healthy way. I believe in God, in the destiny that God has planned for each of his children, and believe even more in the future that God has blessed me and gifted me glimpses of.

Much has to change, for something to be different. Actions and words should be in unity. Love will have to be strong. Faith and trust, overpowering. Is this possible? Yes. Inside all people is the potential to change, to become more than what was and what is - to become better than ever before. This is my dream for myself, to achieve my personal potential; to become the best version of myself always. Slowly, daily, life ticks on - things change, people change, I change.

Here is to the journey, fellow readers. Of change and circumstance. To forgiveness and love. To peace and harmony. To hope and faith.

To the journey!
Ry

Ode to you, little blue bird

Image sourced from Google

A claw approaches a scratch causes you pain. Your cries of help unheard in the rain. Again and again the claw scratches. A strange ear hears your cry and green eyes look for you.

Your small body is spotted, a voice cries "No!" As the claw approaches once more. Big warm hands release your foot from it's trap and holds your frail body light. "Why?" Ask the man with the green eyes to the cat behind the claws. His green eyes going grey and filling with tears as he holds the little blue bird in the palm of his hand. The cat behind the claw looks at him with amusement and silently struts away. Through big hands the green eyed man feels the feint heartbeat of the little blue bird in his palm, "I am so sorry" says the man as tears fall from his face, "I'm sorry".

Through big hands the little heartbeat slows. The little life is fading away. Wrapped in warm hands the little blue bird has no more pain. 

A little blue bird opens his eyes and looks through the tears into green eyes, "Sorry" says a broken voice to the little life in his hands. "You are just a little baby. Innocent and frail." Thought the man with the green eyes. "I cannot save you" said the broken voice, hushed and emotional. "All I can do is hold you and keep you warm"

The final soft and freil heartbeat is felt through big hands. A hush falls over the world, a head slumps and a tear falls onto the wing of a lifeless little blue bird.

"You never experienced the feeling of air under your wings or the freedom of flight in your life." Thought the green eyed man with tears on his cheeks.

A lesson is learned, must be learned, from the short life of the little blue bird.

Your potential is unknown, your future has many amazing sights, air under your wings, the skies at your demand.

Fly now.

Wonderbox

Sometime I catch myself drifting around in my own head. A mind filled with swirling thoughts and ideas, a complete space of chaotic order and beauty. Each idea, each thought so beautifully crafted with vivid detail and exceptional clarity. Random thoughts of life and love. Death and the beyond. Ideas and thoughts flowing seamlessly from one to the other creating it's own marvelous and disturbing movie in my mind. I sit and get absorbed by these movies, watching as a child would their favourite movie character come to life before their eyes. Wonderment.

My mother always said to me that it is perfectly normal to talk to yourself, however, when you start answering yourself you have a problem. Wise words. Makes sense once you give it a moments thought. What is happening inside my head must be utter madness. Do need a white jacket and a puffy walled room? Or do I simply sit and enjoy the movie? Surprised at my own creativity and ability to visualize?

These thoughts, these movies, often entrap me - lingering long after the last frame has had it's turn to play. Scene and screenshots fill my eyes as does music and lyrics. This movie of mine never truly comes to an end. A scene can give birth to a whole new story, an elaboration of the movie. So it goes in this wonderbox that is my mind. Once in a while I unexpected feel a tear falling from my cheek as these movies reflect what my heart feels - comedy and drama unfold in these reels.

A very wise man once told me that we are defined by our collective life experience. That each experience changes us and molds us into the people we are. No two are the same. Each person has their very own unique experience of life and experiences that have the lingering and profound ability to change us at our core, change our behaviors and mindsets. Is this simply what inspires my wonderbox to churn and create such spectacular pantomimes?

For now I will allow my moments of cinema in my mind, it is after all exceptionally affordable entertainment. Never disappointing me with what is on show.

My experience. My life. My wonderbox.

Yours,
Ry

Live to survive

"How are you doing?"

"Ag, i'm surviving!"

Surviving, there is that word again. Used so often to explain how someone is doing, without emotion or feeling, without real reason or need. Surviving. Is this not the problem with how we experience life these days? Has this become the modern humans' existence? To simply survive from day to day?

A very profound truth dawned upon me on a recent trip to Morocco - we, as modern humans, have started surviving instead of living out lives. Have we forgotten how to live and have simply returned to the basic animalistic trait of survival? Have we forgotten how to live? Surely living is a lot easier and more pleasurable than surviving?

As I was walking around the medina's and rummaging through the souks in the various cities in Morocco I saw people who have very little, yet live each day with dedication and commitment.

Allow me to elaborate on that comment:

A owner of a souk wakes up early in the morning, does the obligatory ablutions and heads of to work. Work is shopkeeping, their little shop, selling whatever wares catch their fancy. Each morning the entrance area to the shop is swept and washed as to ensure that passer by's will not be put of by uncleanliness. Now they wait. The whole day can pass without a single sale being made, perhaps 10 sales can be made? Yet outside the shop they sit on their chair, looking at all the tourists and locals passing by. A smile is seen on these shops owners faces. Never a frown. Never sadness or regret. Never a sense of wanting to give up. Because maybe, just maybe the next tourist will come and purchase an item? The day ends, the shop gets locked and life can be lived. Men and woman going to their favourite places to spend time with their friends or family, while enjoying the nightlife and street food or simply drinking a mint tea. They go to sleep and start the routine again. Day after day. Without fail. "Today I will get a sale".

These shop owners are living life. Not surviving it. They have very little to keep them going, however they are motivated and dedicated to their shop, to their business, to their source of income. The best is made out of every situation, whether there is a sale or not, life continues, and they live it.

In contrast to the life of the modern man, we work in office parks for established companies and earning a solid steady income every month. We work from 8 to 5 (on average). We drive. We have public transport. We get lunch breaks and holidays and weekends off. How much to we really have to survive? Should we not be rejoicing in the fact that we have so much? So many questions already answered? Why the frowns on our faces? Because our managers are not easy people? That the work is boring? That the coffee is cheap instant and not filter? The air conditioner is always set so cold? The canteen does not serve the best food?

How does working 7 days a week, from 7am to 9pm? Taking a lunchtime meaning you may miss out on potential income? No air conditioner? No coffee? No holidays? Does the person with this life not deserve to frown and be unhappy? Why then do they smile? Why then do they have passion and dedication?

Yes humanity of the modern age, we are spoiled. We have become so accustomed to the easy life that we have the nerve to complain when we have so much. Outside influence and societal disfunction has made us selfish, greedy and ungrateful people.

Perhaps, just perhaps it is time to step back? Do a true evaluation of the life we lead and ask the question: What are we unhappily trying to survive? Why are we not spending more energy happily living?

Keep it sunny side up people!

Ry