Alone with my thoughts

In recent weeks and months I have had the opportunity to truly be alone with my thoughts. To be alone with my prayers and the kaleidoscope that is my mind. God says that He has a plan for your life, and everything is as it should be, and I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my journey and life and making decisions based on the path that I want to be on and see myself on. I have re-connected with my soul, the fabric of my existence - being able to express myself in words on this blog, express my ideas and the ramblings of a creative mind.

I have been able too see my inner value, my God blessings, my gift to the world. My ability to see what lies ahead, to feel the pain of others, to understand the torture of a soul and not succumb to the force, to not crumble under their pressure. To guide and give insight as it is felt in my soul. This is my gift. The inner strength that boils inside me, the rock that my foundation is built on is what keeps me going and keeps the pain from others from me.

My infinite capacity to love is what fuels the gift inside me. My guru said to me, "One day, you will have the capacity to love the world." I do think that she was being overly dramatic, but who I am to disagree with her words and her vision. "With the gift of insight and guidance, combined with the capacity to love - you are a valuable person in life. The most precious of persons." A person blessed with such gifts, is blessed with a terrible curse - the knowledge one may not want to have. The strength inside me keeps that pain from me also. The love inside me helps me to forgive. Time helps me to forget.

I have reflected on the current state of my life, on my ample blessings and amazing people in my life - I am very fortunate to have the people I do surrounding me. The home that I live in. The cat that simply adores to be rubbed and make me laugh. Even the man that I once called my own is a blessing. I have learned to much from that relationship, and I am so thankful for the time that he gave me and that God gifted us. Yes, there were many mistakes made, inability to change, to accept fault and apologise. Inconsistency of word and action. All lessons that I have had to learn, that we (in-fact) have had to learn.

In my reflection time, with the gift of retrospect, you realise how quickly things can be fixed and changed - a happy life is easily obtainable. Yet retrospect for all it's blessings is also a curse if used incorrectly. My gifts allow me to see ahead, and my head reminds me constantly of the past. One good and one bad. Yin and Yang. The balance. I prefer though, to look forward now. To embrace the challenges ahead and to remember the blessings and teachings of life. To be thankful to the one I loved for what he gave me. To remember the good times. To pray for the future, and believe in God.

Do I want the man I used to call mine back? Of course I do, my heart is telling me yes. My head is telling me that I should be strong, stay strong, stay true and give the space that is required for him. The space that he so desperately needed. I cannot make contact, my place is now to stay silent and be patient and have faith in him and God. Soon I will stop checking my phone 100 times a day to see if there is a message. The ticking time is giving me comfort that in time I will continue to grieve and my heart will heal, soon the memories will become only memories. A lot has to change and be different, much that once was must be gone forever.

My capacity for love allows me infinite amounts of forgiveness. I must let go and believe in what is to be - as always - I must have faith in the course that God has for me. I have forgiven the man that I once called my own, entirely, we are only human after-all. I have forgiven and eventually time itself will make me forget - that is a comfort itself.

From those who are blessed, much is required.
Much is required from those who have the ability to change the world.

Stay blessed fellow readers,
Ry

Word to live by!

Harvest Moon

So yesterday I heard this song, by Neil Young - and as I listened to the lyrics and the music, I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach - and the truth hit home. I remembered the dances I shared with my once partner, in hotel rooms and random times - without music, just us, swaying to music. Tears welled in my eyes and I excused myself - what a beautiful memory to keep.

Come a little bit closer

Hear what I have to say

Just like children sleepin'

We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon risin'

Let's go dancin' in the light

We know where the music's playin'

Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers

I watched you from afar

When we were lovers

I loved you with all my heart.

But now it's gettin' late

And the moon is climbin' high

I want to celebrate

See it shinin' in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

So the Holy truth, of the Holy truth is that I am not done loving yet. So many lessons that I have learned, so many life changing and altering lessons, that I am applying to my life and improving myself. It is scary having feelings of loving someone, who wants to let you go. All things fade in time. For now, I take a strange comfort in my love, as I have before.

This path I am on is meant for loneliness - to truly understand. To truly allow myself to feel.

I am blessed to be connected to amazing friends and family who I see regularly - yet there is still something missing, that enhances my life. I am not done loving yet.

Let the wind carry the words across the oceans and mountains, and your mind fill with memories dancing...

May God help me through this journey, through many harvest moons - through healing and growth. Through peace, light and happiness. Pieces come together one by one. I have faith always.

Yours always, dear readers.

Ry

Letters to God

The last few weeks and months, I have been spending a lot of time writing my prayers down. Writing to God as though he was my best friend. Openly an honestly. I always find that I end up writing pages, for hours - just writing. The sheer act of writing opens my mind to everything I did not think I had to say. It is truly amazing.

I would take these letters, fold them away and keep them in a special place next to my bible. They are prayers, they are meant to be kept safe. Yesterday however, I started reading each one out loud - the tears of the pain I felt while writing shamelessly flowed and as I finished each one, I would burn it - allowing the smoke to carry my message to God, to the universe. In flashes of light and intense heat, each letter would be taken, it's contents released from my soul and handed over to God. The joy, the gratefulness of the love that I had for a brief time, the passion and memories filled my mind and gave me the peace that God had intended for His children. The comfort of futures not yet known, the knowledge that God has a plan bigger than I can imagine for myself - replaced the pain and tears.

The words that I read, the lessons that I have learned, the pleading and pain I captured - let go. Each word I read, I would feel. Each feeling I would allow and be absorbed by, but then I would let go as the paper gets turned into light and heat. Each flash of light would make the tears shimmer, each gust of heat would dry them. My ritual of letting go. Getting it out.

Letters to the one I once loved. The letters full of promises of hope and futures, of forgiveness, of questions and confusion  - soon followed. They were really letters to God after all, letters to release my pain and anger, to forgive and move forward. Every letter had claimed its tear and every flash of fire had taken them and released me. I am not ready to let go, not yet. I believe in my future not yet seen and the lessons learned, and the change that needs to happen.

My letters to God. My prayers. They belong to the universe now.

Let go of what was.
Believe in what will be.
Have endless faith.
Love hard.
Ry

Balance

Sometimes, losing balance for love is part of living a balanced life - The Guru

My sadness, my strength

At long last I have remembered that I have this blog, and that have the ability to write on it. I have read my previous posts, reflecting on my life at those various stages of existence - and I marvel at how my life has changed and stayed the same.

A lot has changed, myself as a person probably the most. So much I have learned about myself, my behaviours and my emotions. Things I did not realise in the past - and have now accepted and am in the process of changing. The love that completed my life, I have had to part with - causing such a gap in my life that I cannot begin to completely understand.

Much has changed, and much has stayed the same.

I have known a love so strong, so utterly and completely devoted, a love so intensely felt that I lost myself in it - completely and entirely. It was a good love. A man who made me smile and made me cry. A man who gave me wings and helped me fly. Many mistakes made from both sides. Fatal mistakes. Nothing changed, so nothing changed. Down the path of eventuality we walked.

I miss this man who gave me such strong feelings of love and devotion. I am haunted constantly by memories, both happy and devastating - emotions that will linger for a lifetime. I am not ashamed to say that I am still very much in love with this man. However, I am wise enough to know that I have to let go for now - for the better of us both. Time is the ultimate conquerer, taking away many things and eventually life itself.

My prayers are filled with hope and love, with desire and forgiveness - yet my mind is slowly letting go, piece by piece, as is the natural and healthy way. I believe in God, in the destiny that God has planned for each of his children, and believe even more in the future that God has blessed me and gifted me glimpses of.

Much has to change, for something to be different. Actions and words should be in unity. Love will have to be strong. Faith and trust, overpowering. Is this possible? Yes. Inside all people is the potential to change, to become more than what was and what is - to become better than ever before. This is my dream for myself, to achieve my personal potential; to become the best version of myself always. Slowly, daily, life ticks on - things change, people change, I change.

Here is to the journey, fellow readers. Of change and circumstance. To forgiveness and love. To peace and harmony. To hope and faith.

To the journey!
Ry

Ode to you, little blue bird

Image sourced from Google

A claw approaches a scratch causes you pain. Your cries of help unheard in the rain. Again and again the claw scratches. A strange ear hears your cry and green eyes look for you.

Your small body is spotted, a voice cries "No!" As the claw approaches once more. Big warm hands release your foot from it's trap and holds your frail body light. "Why?" Ask the man with the green eyes to the cat behind the claws. His green eyes going grey and filling with tears as he holds the little blue bird in the palm of his hand. The cat behind the claw looks at him with amusement and silently struts away. Through big hands the green eyed man feels the feint heartbeat of the little blue bird in his palm, "I am so sorry" says the man as tears fall from his face, "I'm sorry".

Through big hands the little heartbeat slows. The little life is fading away. Wrapped in warm hands the little blue bird has no more pain. 

A little blue bird opens his eyes and looks through the tears into green eyes, "Sorry" says a broken voice to the little life in his hands. "You are just a little baby. Innocent and frail." Thought the man with the green eyes. "I cannot save you" said the broken voice, hushed and emotional. "All I can do is hold you and keep you warm"

The final soft and freil heartbeat is felt through big hands. A hush falls over the world, a head slumps and a tear falls onto the wing of a lifeless little blue bird.

"You never experienced the feeling of air under your wings or the freedom of flight in your life." Thought the green eyed man with tears on his cheeks.

A lesson is learned, must be learned, from the short life of the little blue bird.

Your potential is unknown, your future has many amazing sights, air under your wings, the skies at your demand.

Fly now.