Untitled.

I write a post today that is untitled. There is no title that can describe this post. This posts finds me having put my pride aside, put my ego aside and be brutally honest with you, the world and universe.

Last night, after an intense prayer and meditation, although painful,  I surrendered entirely. It was time for me. In that moment of surrender, when I accepted what was - I received the clarification for the past. It is strange - Oprah mentioned once, that when you have done all you can do, begged, bargained and pleaded, there is nothing else to do but surrender to a power higher than yourself. Once you do that, you will receive what God, the universe has planned for you.

It seems that last night was my moment. Only when I truly could feel myself release and surrender did I received what I was ready to receive at that time. All I had prayed for, was for the man I love to love me again, to come back to me again, for us to be together again. This nagging feeling inside my heart and soul told me our story was not complete.

I know my worth and my value to this world, I am on a path of discovering my true purpose and being the man I am supposed to be on this earth. I have discovered many things, learned many lessons, felt many emotions and deal with many things, to say that I am a different man now than 6 months ago is truly an understatement. The two can hardly be compared.

The truth that I realised last night, the clarity that I received - the words that I finally listened to and understood - hit me hard. It knocked my breath away and I felt ashamed. I am filled with regret and with guilt at the actions from my relationship, from both parties. God had to bring me to my knees, to humble me in front of Him, to show that my pride is nothing more than a roadblock. I had to truly accept some harsh truths about myself and about my ex partner. The insecurities that haunted us, that caused us to become strangers, fears that became greater than love itself.

The road we were travelling, without a map, without guidance, was only setting us up for this eventuality. How can we have ever been enough for each other, when we never told each other what we needed from each other. How could we be enough when we never guided each other. How could we know what to do or not to do, without that information. We have been setting ourselves up for failure. We failed love. Love never failed us.

No one can be expected to know what to do, when they have not yet been told what to do. They will never meet expectations if they are not clarified. I fucked up. Big time. I admit that, humbly. I bare as much of the blame.

Much needs to be said. Pride and ego must be put on the line. Guidance accepted as guidance and not attack. A change to fix. A chance to change. A chance to be better than ever before. Or a chance to say a final goodbye. All I can do is try, to humble myself in front of the man I love.

Dear readers, love cannot fail. Love is the ultimate force of nature, it is the fabric of our existence and the bond that we have with all forces of the universe. It is our link to creation. Love cannot fail. People can fail. I failed. We failed.

Be blessed,
Ryno

A poem for you

It started as a feeling that grew intensely
You showed me a new life
You cut away the past, without a knife

I man I prayed for,
This man I found in you.
From the top of your head to the sole of your shoe.

Through the challenges and pain,
Strong our love remained.
Always resolute and absolute.

The many warnings shown,
Warnings of darkness growing,
The seeds of pain we were sewing.

Many times you were shown to see,
What the darkness was doing to me.
Asking you to turn away.

Suddenly it was over, ended.
You threw in the towel,
Surrendered.

Insecurities had dulled the light,
Suddenly there was confusion and dark.
Forever I thought, we would fight.

Our dreams now fading,
Laughter of children,
Now thoughts so barren.

Do you feel not good enough for me?
Was the fear so great,
You could only turn away from me?

On my back I would carry you.
Over mountains and deserts, to show you places you wanted to see
That is what you meant to me.

Did I drive you away?
Did my fears and insecurities,
Force you not to stay?

I opened my heart for you to see,
I tried to show you all that our love could be,
Was I not good enough for you?

I deleted my sources of darkness,
Removed the seeds of pain,
For in us, there is much more to gain

Returning to the shadows,
It is so easy and free,
I ask you now, to come back to me.

Our flaws make us human,
Acceptance and change is the key,
You were always perfect to me.

Why can you not turn away from the darkness,
To delete the seeds of pain and turn to the light?
I beg you to leave it be, return to love, return to me.

Your face I see in my prayers,
The hurting cries of lonely tears,
Embrace the light and forget the fears.

Next to me your soul does sleep,
Silent tears roll down his cheek,
A reminder to me of the love we keep.

Thank you, for the time you gave to me.
For the love you offered me.
For the passion I will never forget.

In my heart you will always be.
Only time will tell and we will see,
What our love was meant to be.

Goodbye.
Farewell.
Stay well.

I love you.

Alone with my thoughts

In recent weeks and months I have had the opportunity to truly be alone with my thoughts. To be alone with my prayers and the kaleidoscope that is my mind. God says that He has a plan for your life, and everything is as it should be, and I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my journey and life and making decisions based on the path that I want to be on and see myself on. I have re-connected with my soul, the fabric of my existence - being able to express myself in words on this blog, express my ideas and the ramblings of a creative mind.

I have been able too see my inner value, my God blessings, my gift to the world. My ability to see what lies ahead, to feel the pain of others, to understand the torture of a soul and not succumb to the force, to not crumble under their pressure. To guide and give insight as it is felt in my soul. This is my gift. The inner strength that boils inside me, the rock that my foundation is built on is what keeps me going and keeps the pain from others from me.

My infinite capacity to love is what fuels the gift inside me. My guru said to me, "One day, you will have the capacity to love the world." I do think that she was being overly dramatic, but who I am to disagree with her words and her vision. "With the gift of insight and guidance, combined with the capacity to love - you are a valuable person in life. The most precious of persons." A person blessed with such gifts, is blessed with a terrible curse - the knowledge one may not want to have. The strength inside me keeps that pain from me also. The love inside me helps me to forgive. Time helps me to forget.

I have reflected on the current state of my life, on my ample blessings and amazing people in my life - I am very fortunate to have the people I do surrounding me. The home that I live in. The cat that simply adores to be rubbed and make me laugh. Even the man that I once called my own is a blessing. I have learned to much from that relationship, and I am so thankful for the time that he gave me and that God gifted us. Yes, there were many mistakes made, inability to change, to accept fault and apologise. Inconsistency of word and action. All lessons that I have had to learn, that we (in-fact) have had to learn.

In my reflection time, with the gift of retrospect, you realise how quickly things can be fixed and changed - a happy life is easily obtainable. Yet retrospect for all it's blessings is also a curse if used incorrectly. My gifts allow me to see ahead, and my head reminds me constantly of the past. One good and one bad. Yin and Yang. The balance. I prefer though, to look forward now. To embrace the challenges ahead and to remember the blessings and teachings of life. To be thankful to the one I loved for what he gave me. To remember the good times. To pray for the future, and believe in God.

Do I want the man I used to call mine back? Of course I do, my heart is telling me yes. My head is telling me that I should be strong, stay strong, stay true and give the space that is required for him. The space that he so desperately needed. I cannot make contact, my place is now to stay silent and be patient and have faith in him and God. Soon I will stop checking my phone 100 times a day to see if there is a message. The ticking time is giving me comfort that in time I will continue to grieve and my heart will heal, soon the memories will become only memories. A lot has to change and be different, much that once was must be gone forever.

My capacity for love allows me infinite amounts of forgiveness. I must let go and believe in what is to be - as always - I must have faith in the course that God has for me. I have forgiven the man that I once called my own, entirely, we are only human after-all. I have forgiven and eventually time itself will make me forget - that is a comfort itself.

From those who are blessed, much is required.
Much is required from those who have the ability to change the world.

Stay blessed fellow readers,
Ry

Word to live by!

Harvest Moon

So yesterday I heard this song, by Neil Young - and as I listened to the lyrics and the music, I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach - and the truth hit home. I remembered the dances I shared with my once partner, in hotel rooms and random times - without music, just us, swaying to music. Tears welled in my eyes and I excused myself - what a beautiful memory to keep.

Come a little bit closer

Hear what I have to say

Just like children sleepin'

We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon risin'

Let's go dancin' in the light

We know where the music's playin'

Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers

I watched you from afar

When we were lovers

I loved you with all my heart.

But now it's gettin' late

And the moon is climbin' high

I want to celebrate

See it shinin' in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

So the Holy truth, of the Holy truth is that I am not done loving yet. So many lessons that I have learned, so many life changing and altering lessons, that I am applying to my life and improving myself. It is scary having feelings of loving someone, who wants to let you go. All things fade in time. For now, I take a strange comfort in my love, as I have before.

This path I am on is meant for loneliness - to truly understand. To truly allow myself to feel.

I am blessed to be connected to amazing friends and family who I see regularly - yet there is still something missing, that enhances my life. I am not done loving yet.

Let the wind carry the words across the oceans and mountains, and your mind fill with memories dancing...

May God help me through this journey, through many harvest moons - through healing and growth. Through peace, light and happiness. Pieces come together one by one. I have faith always.

Yours always, dear readers.

Ry

Letters to God

The last few weeks and months, I have been spending a lot of time writing my prayers down. Writing to God as though he was my best friend. Openly an honestly. I always find that I end up writing pages, for hours - just writing. The sheer act of writing opens my mind to everything I did not think I had to say. It is truly amazing.

I would take these letters, fold them away and keep them in a special place next to my bible. They are prayers, they are meant to be kept safe. Yesterday however, I started reading each one out loud - the tears of the pain I felt while writing shamelessly flowed and as I finished each one, I would burn it - allowing the smoke to carry my message to God, to the universe. In flashes of light and intense heat, each letter would be taken, it's contents released from my soul and handed over to God. The joy, the gratefulness of the love that I had for a brief time, the passion and memories filled my mind and gave me the peace that God had intended for His children. The comfort of futures not yet known, the knowledge that God has a plan bigger than I can imagine for myself - replaced the pain and tears.

The words that I read, the lessons that I have learned, the pleading and pain I captured - let go. Each word I read, I would feel. Each feeling I would allow and be absorbed by, but then I would let go as the paper gets turned into light and heat. Each flash of light would make the tears shimmer, each gust of heat would dry them. My ritual of letting go. Getting it out.

Letters to the one I once loved. The letters full of promises of hope and futures, of forgiveness, of questions and confusion  - soon followed. They were really letters to God after all, letters to release my pain and anger, to forgive and move forward. Every letter had claimed its tear and every flash of fire had taken them and released me. I am not ready to let go, not yet. I believe in my future not yet seen and the lessons learned, and the change that needs to happen.

My letters to God. My prayers. They belong to the universe now.

Let go of what was.
Believe in what will be.
Have endless faith.
Love hard.
Ry

Balance

Sometimes, losing balance for love is part of living a balanced life - The Guru