Something cheesy

The month of December

December is a month that is a busy one for most. It is the festive season. Holidays. For me it even includes my birthday. And to top it all of it is the end of the year itself... and presents everyone with a fresh start.

December is also HIV/Aids day worldwide. Another day that has seemingly increased in importance for me. A cause that I fight for. A reality I live and breathe around me. A day to remember those who have gone before and who remain still to battle the illness that has taken over their bodies.

Yes, December is a special month. Birth. Death. New beginnings. Old ends.

Always remember and never forget, my dear friends and readers.

Be at peace
Ryno

Sad eyes

The world is breaking. I see it everywhere and feel it all over. The more we poison the earth the more we poison ourselves. Oh the world is broken!

If you cannot find a friend...

Happy Deepawali

For those who are celebrating! May the light bless you on this special day and for the year ahead!

Thought of the day (1011)

“You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvelous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Thought for the day (3110)

Roadblock

Since I started my various treatment earlier this year, and when my mental chemical state was shocked and medicated to normal - I noticed a very sharp decline in general acknowledgement of men or sex. I thought it was just the medication... but after asking my various doctors the medication is not responsible for a complete roadblock of sex drive.

Since my arrival in Chile I have been approached by a variety of Latino man... seems they like this tall glass of milk. But alas... fuckall! I feel rocks.

I did soul searching. Spiritual deep dives. The reason was out there! This roadblock is not for nothing...

I finally have the answer. I have become a demisexual. Turns out that this diagnosed hypersexual mind has embraced something new, something better. An approach that speaks to my heart and deepest desires.

Truth be told I am liking this. Go(o)d work!

Let's hurt

If I tell you that you hurt me, you are not allowed to tell me that you didn't.

Don't be mad!

Too much of love!

Until you leave...

Anti-suicide note

In the end, I have come to believe in something – divine truth and guidance, if you will. Something isn’t beautiful because it lasts forever, because nothing lasts forever. The biggest mistake is getting attached to something that is only temporary, taking for granted the comfort of eternity and overestimating forever.

All things end. Physical health can change in a moment of reckless abandon or moment of passion. Mental health is just as fragile, and the smallest thing can break the strongest mind. Nothing lasts forever – be attached in that moment, but understand that change will happen. It is inevitable. A forever love today can become a broken heart tomorrow. Wealth in abundance this month can become bankruptcy next month. The truth is that when you believe something will last forever, you become careless and arrogant - creating the environment required for change and loss. We create exactly that which we fear most.

I am the living truth of this, in the last year everything in my life has changed: physical and mental health, finances, property, possessions and even “eternal” love. I understand now that if I had tried to control all of these elements and prevent the changes from happening, I would have destroyed what was left of me – and I would not have been able to achieve what I have now.

There is a strange sort of comfort and calmness that comes when you realise that everything ends. You suddenly realise that living is also temporary; it will end, but while you are still alive – make the most of it and give yourself what you deserve. Regardless of my HIV status, mental health breakdowns, weight, hair colour, height, gender or nationality – I can do something today that can help my tomorrow be better, even if I don’t get that tomorrow. I will love as though I will end tomorrow. I will laugh as if all that tomorrow will bring is tears. I will live, like everything ends tomorrow.

No more control is needed from me. All that I am responsible is making sure that I am living according to my values and moral beliefs and inviting only that which is worthy of me into my space – to share my time and my life with. Everything that happened before is nothing more than a roadmap of where I have come from and does not dictate where I will end up. You cannot run from the past, it’s already in the past; but you can learn from it and do something today that will make your tomorrow better.

If tomorrow does not come, then at least my energy can move on and become something that is not held back by regrets and unfinished business. There is nothing left to finish. I am shedding the attachments to my life that are not adding value, the people and things that only take and does not give back, letting go of things that cannot love me back and loving all that which has come and what is now – even the blade that cut my heart; I still love him with an open heart and forever will. A grudge is something that only holds me back; forgiveness is something that puts me ahead.

I forgive everyone that has wronged me, because they have become nothing but northern stars to lead me here, and most importantly I forgive myself for all that which I have done to hurt myself and those who love me.

I have once before written a suicide note, but this, this is my anti-suicide note.

Love is the only energy that has been around long before me, and will most definitely be here long after I have gone. As long as I have love, access to that divine power – then I am unstoppable and no mental or physical ailment will ever get me down.

Lets do this!
Love to you all!
Ry

Tomorrow is never promised

As I wrestle with the fate of my body and mind, there is something I must always remember. Never wait for tomorrow to say what you feel today.

I miss him.

A bend in the river

The point came in my journey when I had to turn away from the artificial road of happiness and turn myself onto the authentic path of my life and to travel towards my sacred purpose. When you step onto this road you suddenly find that things in life start moving very fast, falling into place in ways unexpected but the ride becomes overwhelming at times - with a desire to put the brakes on - but I resist. I rely on the faith that I have in God for my purpose and route that He has put me on to get there.

There is a particular grace that you get endowed with when you swim with the current, suddenly finding the time to enjoy the feeling of water rushing past your skin. I wonder why I had been fighting this stream and attempting with all my might to swim against it- grasping at the life society, egocentricity and insecurities expected me to have. My desire to be liked and accepted has been too strong for many years, my need for fitting in and being good enough for others overwhelming and shadowing my true purpose. I found myself choking many times on the water that I was fighting; blurry eyes and a sore nose had stopped me from realising the errors in my way.

As I continued to swim downstream, enjoying the fluidity of my body in harmony with the water, I realise that I am alone. A path to authentic self (to your divine purpose) is inherently a lonely one. You suddenly start swimming away from everyone you know as they continue to fight the rapids - you start to realise that what (and who) once brought you comfort, the people whom you once admired and the love you once praised is now rapidly being left behind. For me, there was a tinge of sadness that crept over my otherwise happy self - I found my heart reaching out for those that I am leaving behind, reminded of the love that we have and the connections we had shared throughout the various stages of our lives.

The tears I cried became quickly absorbed and part of the sacred water that is ushering me away; further and further. I scream to those I leave behind, sending words of love and laughter, praying for their safe arrival at their ports and the happiness that they will reap from it, I try to warm of the dangers that I can see coming from my distance away - but I do not know if it has been listened too; I will not be around to see. Be careful of the dangers ahead when you are blinded by the waters you are fighting.

I smile inside knowing that for the precious few there is calm water ahead, just over the next rapid, and then they can enjoy the feeling of grace and fulfilment that they have longed for.

I give a final look back; final silver tears fall down my face as I pray silently to God, asking him if it is ever too late to start again? Will I one day see the echo of my heart again; will enough time ever pass to begin again? Do some phoenixes just never rise from the ashes? Is there a purpose to some friendships dissolving into time? Is loyalty a concept that has long since been forgotten in our time? Does forever really come sooner than expected? God, in all His wisdom, answered only with the happy chirping of birds and the distant sound of wind-chimes through the trees. I see a purple flower floating not far from me. I am in Go(o)d hands! I say a final prayer for those closest to my heart and turn away.

As I continue to float down this river of purpose I find myself connecting with other souls on the same journey, but at different parts of our stories. We learn, we share and we grow before parting ways - either to meet up again or to part ways knowing that some things have changed forever due to that interaction, however brief. I surrender to the journey, embracing every meander in the river and every patch of bubbling water as a gift and a blessing, I smile not for the destination (because I do not know where that is), but I smile for what I had been given up to now. The blessings, the memories and even the heart breaking pain that had been worth it - every single decision I had made and every single experience that I was fortunate to participate in, aided me in the forging of this life.

I cannot but love this man that is now flowing with the stream, with an ethereal smile on his face. He knows something that no one else does.

The secret of love.
The secret of life.

He knows God and He is good.

So it was said...

Words that eco the silent whispers of my heart.

The life I promised myself

I have spent the last few months, days, hours and minutes in deep thought, trying to reconcile the realities that I face into something that is coherent and understandable to my mind. The fact is that so much has happened in my life that it becomes a challenge to truly apprehend the full scope of it. I have been blessed with good memories that I will carry with me forever - moments that can never be relived or replaced. Truly blessed beyond reason.

The more time that I have spent excogitating this mass of information, the more patterns I am able to extract and become aware of - the path that I walked and the only conclusion that it could have led me too. Hindsight is a truly amazing gift; if you chose to use it correctly. The harsh, unvarnished truth of the matter is that my life up to now had been lived and crafted in all the wrong ways - I gave my heart to people who cared more about their life of facades, I had a car meant for road trips on roads endlessly explored, I lived in a house I bought for two on my own, I had a career that does not interest me anymore and I lived in a country that no longer felt like home. That was not the life that I had always wanted; the simple life that is devoid of drama and filled with love in abundance and happiness in endless measures - I lived a life that had become expected, in a country that is on the verge of collapse.

I made the decision to leave not because I felt like running, no, I made it simply to go and find the life that I had dreamed of and promised to myself. I am tired of endless conversations with no action, I have no interest in the suburban lifestyle or endless passport hunting to fulfil some external checkbox, I have no more interest in debt or having so much material belongings that I valued but I do not value myself. I am tired of waiting for others to catch up; at a great cost to myself. It is my time now.

I must come to the realisation and accept that all the negative things that have happened to me in my life had brought with it the most positive of results, if my father had not left, if I did not sacrifice for my family and friends, if I did not pursue the endless corporate dungeon, if I did not lose myself, if I did not lose a love, if I did not cry Cancer and if I did not wear a crimson ribbon around my heart and if I did not leave my job - I would have NEVER had the courage to change that which I needed to change about myself. If my life had turned out in any way other way than it did, I would be a broken man that walks around the world - being content with the pretence of happiness and not realising that I am broken.

If all my decisions were different I would never have seen the artificial people that I used to consider friends, who turned out to be akin to mascara - running at the first sight of tears. I would have continued being trapped in a glass prison of my own creation. No more.

I left knowing that I have been brave and humble enough to admit my deepest flaws, carried the responsibilities of my decisions with pride, acknowledged my insecurities and the pain that I had caused others - I will leave knowing that I am the best man now, suffering under no illusions; an authentically powered self. I have left knowing that I have done what I was meant to and saddened only by the cowardice of others - but remaining happy in the knowledge that one day they will become wiser and braver and content with knowing that everything is as it should be.

Slowly I start saying goodbye to the life of old, as the gears of my decision continue to turn and the eventuality of my choices becomes solidified and actioned. I say thank you to the journey – the endless adventure of following the dreams of childhood.

What dreams have you made that you are not pursuing?

All the best
Ry

The endless child

As I sit here in this beautiful park that is bustling with people, I forget so easily that which I have to be thankful for.

An old dame walked past me with ice cream in hand, cooling down after the hot spring day. At first you don't see it, that special something that crowns her head of silver hair - her greatest accomplishment and silent gift from God. A few paces behind her walks her beautiful daughter, also with an ice cream in hand - very few see her for what she is.

Society has belittled her and made her out to be a genetic anomaly and sick - but she is perfect in her way, in His image. You see, the beautiful daughter of the crowned dame has features that are unmistakable, she had Down’s syndrome.

A few paces ahead, the dame stops and turns to wait for her gift - with a gentle smile that only a mother can give she puts her arm around her daughter and is quickly rewarded with the beautiful smile of her beautiful daughter.

Is it not so blatant to see, but the beautiful daughter has such an important role to play in this world. Before the adult mind consumes and external influences corrupt the purity, a child gives the purest and most sincere love and compassion. Is this not her gift to the world, the gift of the endless child? Is that look in her eyes and smile on her face not innocent and unconditional love to her mother? Is that not the lesson that we have to learn from these silent angels? Do we need to learn how to love as children do, to see the world in its purest and most uncomplicated form?

What about the crowned dame? Was she no chosen to play such an important role? She was chosen by God, seen to be fit and with strong enough to birth and take care of His greatest of gifts. The plans that she may have had for her life was a sacrifice that she made out of love for her daughter – without complaint or prejudice she has and will continue her role as mother and provider until she no longer can – her crowning glory.

As I sit absorbed in this very simple scene of love, another emotion starts to creep into my heart – sadness. I am not sad for the crowned dame or her beautiful daughter, but for the gifts that I have overlooked, the silent messages of these angels that I never learned. It is so easy to focus on our own aches and pains and forget the bigger picture; I wake up in pain most mornings with muscles that ache and scream in protest against the medication that I consume – but I still can wake up and walk 10kms to and from work, I could still navigate the park and the city. Yes, perhaps my mental state is not what it always was; I have short term memory problems and BiPolar disorder and at times my mind is fried and foggy – but I am fully able to live. What reason do I really have to complain? Absolutely nothing.

I am fortunate that I have two sets of medication that I can consume to ensure my continued health and longevity; only having to deal with side effects and adaption to lifestyle. There is no medication for the silent angels that spread their message – they are bound to their teachings for life. Are we not incredibly blessed?

I have loved with all my heart, made decisions that changed my life, allowed pain and disorder, had the strength to put myself back onto a path that pleases me and have had the capacity to adapt my life to the requirements of my health – what I am, is God’s perfection. My life is truly the perfect conclusion of every single decision that I have made, and only I can make decisions that impact me, no one can influence me to do something that I do not want to – I am fully in control.

Enjoy your ice cream and the beautiful weather, you amazing gift of Gods perfection – enjoy the life and embrace the world that you see so purely. May your lesson and song be heard and seen by many more, may you fulfil the purpose of Gods will and your life continued to be a blessed one.

I am learning, finally hearing the silent song of the blessed endless children.

God bless the silent angels and watch over their strong protectors.

Amen

My new start....!

Now that I have had a few days to settle in and find my feet and mind after my move, I had the time to contemplate my decision and the method in which I left. In reality I had 7 weeks to pack up my life and get my affairs in order before my flight, and now, in retrospect I realise that it was possibly the very best way that it could have happened for me – no time to think, deliberate and convince myself  that I may be making a mistake. It was run, run, run right to the airport.

On the airplane I came to the conclusion that my life has walked me into a very strange path, and in actual fact I was not even regretful of a single moment of pain and betrayal that I had felt, every mind altering sentence and action, every lie told and received – I regretted nothing of it. I was on an adventure of life, for life, about life – something that I had always wanted to do and now finally had the opportunity and the freedom to accomplish.

On my departure I had said goodbye to everyone that I loved, some in person and some via alternative means, but I managed to say goodbye. I cried an excessive amount, but also much less than I actually thought I would be – perhaps when you start walking the real path of life, the sadness is not as overwhelming.

As my thoughts were dancing over the memories of the past and the whine of the Rolls Royce engines, I flashed to the last words that I had spoken to the old love that I had dedicated so much of myself too – those last words were a lie. My last and final gift to him and freedom from artificial loyalty and binds that may have occurred – if there was nothing else that I had learned from his behaviour of the past events, it is that taking responsibility and accountability for his mistakes and manning up to them is not a strong point; in fact he is a master of disguising and redirecting that responsibility. So I made the decision for him and largely for me to set him free from me. I had accepted my responsibility and had taken accountability for my life and its path – I smiled. I had taken care of myself and thought exclusively of myself for a change.

Here I am, in a strange new city, surrounded by another language and a view of spectacular mountains  - I am safe, and although my mind and body are not as strong as they used to be or I would like them to be, I am no-the-less  happy and stronger than ever before. Spiritually I have been blessed and I am on a level never before achieved, content and peaceful in new ways. There is a beautiful calm that comes from totally and completely looking at yourself and realising that the good and particularly the bad aspects of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to run from but something to embrace – and only when that has happened can you start to mold and reshape yourself into the person that you are meant to be.

I may not have much money, I may not have people here to rely on and I may not speak the language but I am myself – in harmony with the darkness and the light. I am on a path of life that few can scarcely imagine or understand and I am going to be achieving things that I have never thought possible before. This is a journey that you can only be on when you are in harmony and balance within yourself and no longer hiding or manipulating the world around you to maintain a mask and facade.

In reality the truth does not change based on your ability to stomach it. The truth remains the truth, concrete and absolute; it will reveal itself and come to the surface of all other things.

I have seen people enter and leave my life, showing themselves for who they truly are – and although it is painful and it my heart was hurt, I am thankful that I have been shown the truth in loyalty of people that I used to put all my trust in. Some have surprised me with the level of their love for me, coming to my aid when they did not have to – friendships re-emerging stronger than before, new friendships and bonds were developed through tears and understanding.

It has been an amazing journey and I wear my crimson badge with pride.

I see in the distance my long way home, a journey of millions of steps – starting with one.

Another time perhaps

A vision of an encounter passed. My last night I spend alone in my beautiful home. Perhaps I thought there could be one more miracle, maybe it happened afterall.

Goodnight to the world.

Number 33

After (just shy of) 18 months, I will give the keys of my home away to another who shall now call it home. Here, between the 4 walls of number 33, I had found the most unexpected gifts, blessings, love and intimacy, joy and heartbreak. In this small one bedroom I had protection from the elements, a place to be safe, and a home for my lover when his no longer felt like home, a place of healing and comfort and a space of freedom. A refuge for my friends who needed a place to stay - a home for those I loved.

In the winter a fireplace would radiate heat and light - keeping the pains of cold away. In summer the windows and door would be open and a breeze would cool the heat. The perfect middle of all that is needed. A home that is by no means lavish or extravagant, but every single bit a home as a castle is to a king. The expression goes: “home is where the heart is”, and my heart is in every picture that hung on the walls, every piece of glass that was gifted and collected in my bar, the bed that I had always wanted, the incense that burned in my lamp and even in the table that I sanded and decorated. In this home my heart was everywhere - even in the reed heart that hung in the bathroom.

This house had become my expression of love.
A place of candles and music.
A place with good food and delicate smells of morning coffee.
A house that I bought for two, but leave as one.

It seems strange to have such a bond with bricks and concrete, to experience sadness for having to say goodbye. The reality is that this structure has housed the vision of a future, a desire of love and unity and a home base for love - and one cannot help but grow attached to such a beautiful dream. I look into this structure and see an empty shell that remains - it is such a sad moment, such a sad reality. A house for two, comfortable and safe. My greatest wish is that this home's potential will be realised my dreams of it one day fulfilled.

My final night in my very own No. 33 will be on Tuesday, 25 August 2015; with a blow-up bed and a vanity bag. A final night with a fireplace lit and incenses burning. A goodbye to what once was and sadly could never really be.

I do pray that those who inhabit this amazing house, will have the best of times, start a family here and live happily for many years, enjoy the heat of the fire and the cool breeze, have a piping hot shower and stare up at the wooden ceilings - happiness. These 4 walls deserve to have a dream realised.

Thank you, my house, for everything that you were and symbolised. I am equally sorry for what you never became. I will always remember the memories in between your walls, every laugh, kiss, massage, hug and tear will go with me forever.

Thank you for the life that you enabled me to have.

I will miss the green and gray.

Silence

Why is it, that through it all I remained respectful and silent to my own story. Why do I give such respect when it is not returned in kind?

Saints and Sinners

Truth

Soon my truths will be spoken and revealed. My experiences and observations. Are you all ready?

As long as I need

In the light of my life heading into a new direction, the right direction, I still catch myself constantly saying goodbye to my ex. Constantly. Once a week. I need to continue saying goodbye for as long as I need. I hear footsteps by my flat and I look up with a strange expectation inside me - unrealistic and unwarranted to be sure, but would I not look to see if it is him coming to see me. I am not entirely sure why. At this stage in my life I have come to far to return to what broke me, I do not want to go back to what broke me. Missing someone is not to be misconstrued as a desire to have them back, because who he has become now is not the man I fell in love with (not from the outside at least, perhaps inside is a different story) - I miss who he once promised me he wants to be.

I know that he holds much anger towards me, and that it is still consuming. Frankly that is his heart and what he chooses to feed and keep alive. I have no intention of fighting for him, trying once again to prove my own worth to him, working hard to become the best man for him, when in reality I always was - it is my turn at life. I know my worth and I know my value to the one that will be privileged enough to have my heart one day - that man will fight with everything inside of him to have my love.

I heard this song in a movie and decided to dedicate it to his post - may it's words reach the one it is meant for.

Perhaps my heart is wanting one more night, one final try, one last chance at love with this broken man I loved so much - forgiveness through love and intimacy. Love heals all.

An expectation that is unrealistic, naive and based on previous experience and learning - implausible. On the 30th of August I am boarding a plane with a one way ticket to a new life - I will leave here without regrets and unfinished business, and although it would be preferable to leave knowing that things between me and my ex are on a clean slate; it is not required for my success and does not influence my forgiveness of him.

In a trance I thought of and spoke a poem, it was very bizarre and never did happen before. Regardless, here it is. What was meant to be written is meant to be written.

- - - - -

In my dreams I see you

From my heart I hear you

In the darkness I feel you

I see the light beckon to you

It was not once that I lost you

Every day, at least once, I lose you

My prayers remain the same for you

Protection bestowed remains on you

A tear still falls just for you

I am grateful always for you

Now I have seen all that is you

Forever in my heart a space for you

Yes, I will continue to love you

Always I will miss you

Forgiveness in time of me from you

A goodbye to say, specially for you

- - - - -

I have come to a point in my life here I have to say goodbye to many people and things - a lingering promise of that which will follow in time. I start a new life, I let go of the old and embrace the true path of my journey, my authentic self and Godwork. There is nothing I value more than knowing I am following the real path of my life, the true purpose of my existence and doing that which I had always promise and told myself I wanted. 

There are very many words left inside of me, very many things still to say. All in time. When I am on point I am a juggernaut that is an unstoppable force of sight and might - and I am on point.

Thank you, my readers - let there be love.

Ry

The ManChild

A love told me once, that in every future that he saw with me - I outgrow him and that if he stays he will be dragging me down with him. I battled with this, for a long time, almost a year in fact. I had always believed that it was the same as "it is not you, its me", you know, letting someone down easy. For so long I had become used to diminishing my own journey and the absolute magnanimity of my lifes work, of my life.

Had it been so easy to admire another, idolise or revere another to such a high regard that I had entirely overlook your own greatness, my own achievements and the fact that my life has and is on a road of inspiration? As I started peeling away the layers of what I had come to believe and what I had accepted for so long, I began to identify the magic inside of me. Eventually enough walls were broken down and enough curtains opened to see that he was correct all along. Regardless of the intention of his words those evenings, he had been speaking the truth of the reality - had he eventually seen that which I am, and when faced with our side by side reflections in the Godmirror; was the unvarnished facts to much to accept and bare?

Had the "manchild" actually outgrown the "self actualized adult" already? Years ago. After finding out the hard facts one November only 6 months into the relationship, and having the passion and love to forgive even then - had I not outgrown him then already? My best friend has heard the tears that day and received the phonecall with the truth found. I had the courage to face my pains and hurts straight on, one after another, defeating the darkness with loving light and evolving in leagues. It is actually amusing and awe-inspiring to me, my roots had been growing all along - even when I had been plunged into the darkness. Is the willingness to step outside of the comfort bubble not more growth than someone who holds on to theirs with both hands, legs and chains? Who can tell.

What I do know, what I do see, the untouchable figure with a darkness around. The truth was spoken that night, I see that now.

My precious things

In my life I have managed to accumulate a lot of objects and things, often being told that I am like my father who had a tendency to hoard. At some stage in my more recent years I had come to realise that I have to scale down my collection and get rid of the clutter that had surrounded me.

At some point the truth of life hits you in the face and you realise that personal value does not come from the amount of stuff you have surrounding you, but rather from within. Suddenly all the objects and stuff becomes nothing more than wasted space, reminders of a past that will not be forgotten and irrelevant old objects of illusional value.

Since making my decision to leave, I have had to be faced with parting with my stuff that once comforted me and gave me the false sense of security and value. Some are to be sold and some are to be gifted to others, however there are a few objects that hold a very special value to me. I call them my "precious things". These items do not necessarily hold a high financial value but the sentimental value is beyond measure to me and I simply cannot and will not ever part with them.

Happily I can take some of my precious things with me, a wooden cross gifted to me on a magic night next to a freezing lake (is coming with), 2 stunning decanters that were gifted to me as a housewarming gift when I moved into this very house (will be given to a family member to guard over and keep safe), a collection of Buddha's in different shapes and sizes (all but one coming with me, and the rest to be gifted to those spiritual beings that will appreciate them), a chain and cross holding a titanium ring that was gifted to me on 2 spacial occasions (will always remain around my neck as reminders), a sharks tooth and hat from a lost love (will come with me as a constant adventure companion and ode), a box with diamonds, a crimson promise of a life now mine and written letters and poems and even tickets to every concert attended (will be left behind in a safe for protection), 2 little books of wonderful words of love which was sadly never really loved up to (shall remain behind in the box of memories), a hand fan gifted to me by my dear grandmother (shall stay behind in her daughter's house), and lastly my most precious of possession: a delicate glass bowl with a cork lid that inside contains a dried rose from every bunch of flowers ever received out of love, this is my greatest prize and most sentimental object - a bowl of love. This object will be locked away in a safe place for the safest of keeping, in it is my heart.

As I see things starting to lessen, objects starting to decrease and become lesser, I am sad - I have cried many tears, but I am happy deep inside. To part with these objects I once thought of as precious and that gave me value, is liberating and frees my mind for true value - self value. God value.

Goodbye to my precious things. Hello to the precious me.

Groet sonder woorde

Laat ons nie praat nie, die tyd is verby, niemand is kwaad nie en albei is vry.

Kom kyk deur die ruite, die nag staan in blom, woorde hoort buite, want hartseer is stom.

Lê jou kop hier teen my skouer laat jou hart sy paaie gaan stilweg word ons wys en ouer eendag sal ons dalk verstaan.

Maar tot die ryp kraak onder skoene wat geen ander haard of tuiskoms ken gun ek my nog visioene van een wat die hele wêreld wen.

Jy hoor my nie meer nie, ek sê maar totsiens

Ek sal jou nie steur nie, ek loop ongesiens, want jy is in oorde waar drome nog blom, ek groet sonder woorde, want hartseer is stom.

En jy is in oorde waar drome nog blom, ek groet sonder woorde, want hartseer is stom

* * * * *

One of my favourite songs. Fitting for this time in my life.

Ry

A minute in my head!

Welcome to the world of the introvert!

A last suicide.

After much deliberation and debate with my support group, their wisdom and argument has swayed me to create this post. I have discussed with them all the facets of my suicide in depth, having webinars and seminars on it - I am blessed to have been able to help anyone with my experience. The final webinar that I will have with those amazing people started with me sharing my suicide note - the last note that I wrote the night of my attempt.

For a long time it was something that I thought was shame, however, once I had finished reading it and I had received the tearful responses from faces on a screen - I realised that it is actually the opposite. It is the most truthful form of communication and it shows a lot of me and my inner workings. A few listeners even commented and said that everyone should be as lucky to ever receive such love from another. I have been complimented and in the same breath been guided to the true value and meaning of love and my heart.

I share this letter now with you, the universe. It is no longer shame. It is not something that I feel needs to be hidden from the world, but rather given to it. It has helped some, perhaps it can help others. Please read it for what it is. Understand it from your heart.

(In respect I have replaced the name of the person whom it was addressed too)

* * * * *


My dearest Ryan

This is the most difficult letter that I have ever had to write but at the same time the easiest. I am writing to you last, you are my final goodbye simply because it is you.

I am sure that by now you have heard the news about my work and you have been told the truth about my deception over the last few months. I can almost feel your rage, your anger and the intensive disappointment and confusion you are feeling. I cannot begin to describe the internal war that has been waged inside my head and my heart. The pain is unbearable. I am so sorry for that which I have done to hurt you, to deceive you and to inflict harm – I was not myself, I don’t know who I was.

My heart has been so fixated on getting you back, on keeping you in my life, on winning and earning back your love, to become worthy of your love again – that my head decided to stand back and my heart took over and the most irrational parts of myself took over and started making decisions. Please do not look at it as the betrayal that it is perceived as, rather look at it as the biggest compliment that I could ever give you – may it show you the absolute extents that I was willing to go through for you and for your love. I have sacrificed everything in the pursuit of your love and affection.

Again I am so sorry.

By the time that you receive this letter, you would have probably felt that which will come to pass. God would have let you know before the rest that I have gone Home. I am ready. I feel no more fear for death. It is a Thursday, and you know I have always wanted to die on a Thursday. Please know that my decision to take my life is not anything that you could have prevented or stopped, it was also not as a direct result of you or your actions, it was truly and only my decision to make. What I did to you, and to my family, friends and colleagues is utterly unforgivable and this way they will no longer feel the shame for my actions – I am removing myself from their pain and removing my pain.

I want to tell you, for the last and final time that I love you. I have loved you from day 2 and that love has never faltered or changed. What I feel for you cannot be described only by those 3 words but it is all I have. I love you. If only I had been truly worthy and enough for you, if only I had done more to be enough, maybe I would have still had you in my life and you in my heart. Regardless, that horse has bolted and everything is as it should be. I love you, so much with my all and everything. I can live without you, and I have proven that to myself, but importantly I have chosen that I do not want to live without you – not for a single day longer. The thought of the disappointment that I have caused you, is enough to make me feel small and to make me weep tears of regret and sorrow unknown. I love you and I am so sorry. Know this always.

You are an amazing man, a stunning man, an inspirational man and the most beautiful man in the world, Ryan, and I am so blessed and so lucky to have had you in my life for the short time that I did. I could call you “my love” and you would respond. It was a blessing. The magnitude of the blessing I only realize now, after the fact. It is funny how life does that to a person. Always know that you your worth and should you falter and forget, just remember that there was once a man that could not imagine another day without you. That, dear Ryan, is how much you are worth – settle for nothing less.

I want you to know that I was surrounded by our memories when I die. Next to me is all the photos that I had taken down from my walls only months ago, they are all there on my bed, the smiling happy faces of our love shining out at me. The song that I dedicated to you on our first anniversary is playing in the background, it is a beautiful song. I have a shirt of yours that I found in my cupboard in the back, it smells like you and I am holding it tightly to myself to feel you one last time, to hold you as I go, to smell you as I drift into the darkness. It gives me great comfort to know that you are with me during my final moments, the man that I love so much, you, the man that inspired the most amazing changes in my life and showed me so many beautiful and painful things all at once. I can see the little books of love that you have given me, the Bible that you have given me and around my neck is the cross that you gave me and on my finger the ring you gave me. I am so blessed with all the letters and all the memories of concerts and adventures that we have shared. Like a lantern out light lit the night sky and travelled far.

Release the darkness that has crept into your life, please Ryan. It will only bring you down and will only destroy the man that I know you are, the man that I love so much. Let it go, it is actually very easy – you have climbed mountains, nothing is impossible for you.

I know that your dimsum restaurant will be the greatest of successes and that it will become a place where friends and family can get together and share a food experience, just as we had done so many times. That early retirement age is a goal that I know you will achieve.

I do have a favour to ask you, my last one, I promise. My family does not have the means to do this or to execute this final gift for me. I want to be ashed. I do not want tears, I do not want regrets, I want it to be a celebration – and I know that you can make any occasion a celebration and lift the spirits of anyone – crack out the old cocktail kit and have some fun. Get my mom drunk.

Please take my mom and my ashes in a copper urn to Iceland, and on a night when the Aurora is at its brightest I want you two to scatter half of my ashes into the air, so I become one with the magic that is the Northern lights. Lay under the lights for a while and think of me, pray for me and send me love, I know that I will received it.

With the ashes that is left, I want you, and only you to take them to our dam, our special place where I promised to accept you always and where we laid in the freezing air under a blanket and connected, on a night where Cor Amantis is the most visible take me there and give what is left to me to the water, on that special place where a piece of my heart will always be for you. Remember always that the diamond that I gave to you, is my sign of eternal love.

Please return the urn to my family, so that they may have a reminder of the man I once was. Please can you do this for me, Ryan?

I can feel my eyes getting heavy and my body feeling light. I need to say goodbye now. Please know that my last thoughts will be of you, the last thing I hear will be our song, the last smell I will have will be yours and the last touch I have will be you. The angels have come to guide me Home. How blessed I am.

I will wait for you at Home, I will guide you always and I will send you love in abundance always. You will find someone who is worthy of the man that you are. I will guide that special person to you, and with that person you can have the children that we dreamed of once. Your very own family that loves you unconditionally and accepts you entirely.

One day you will forgive me. Know that there is nothing left for me to forgive, you are free.

I love you always, miss you always and am waiting for you, my one and only. I am ready.

I love you!

Goodbye and thank you for absolutely everything you have done for me.

Your, Rynstie

* * * * *

There is always time for another try. There is always reason to start again.

Remember that. Darkness is in your life because of the choice you are making to keep it.

Never give up, readers from afar. There is always hope.

There is always light. There is always someone who loves you.

Live for love. That is enough reason.

I drink to that!

Death of a fool

As I sit here, on the cusp of a new life embrace I think about my recent fall from grace and the factors that contributed and the results that followed. It has been a very unexpected journey to say the least. It is a strange sort of reality when you are happy that the worst possible thing could have happened to your life and realised that it was actually the biggest blessing.

On the 4th of February this year, I attempted to take my own life because I had not been able to see that there could be anything else left for me in this world. Against all odds, and to the doctor's absolute shock, I woke up the next morning. I was spared - God Himself had brought me back from the precipice of destruction, how terribly blessed I have been. I think now about the man that I was before that day and I disgust myself at the thought - I had become a broken man that had lost his moral compass and value tree, all in the name of love. Was it really love, was it truly a nugget of gold that shines brighter than the sun? Surely if I was loved as much as I loved, the source of betrayal and mistrust would have been let go - I would have been worth that.

I think now and question how I had allowed myself to become complacent in a relationship that was, to my eyes and heart, one where my partner was being untrue and unfaithful, and being satisfied with a relationship of broken dreams and promises with no intention of ever being honoured. How had I become a man that saw the whole truth and more than ever needed, but stayed regardless believing that his love would be strong enough to inspire a change for the better. Nothing was ever going to change unless the source of destruction and pain was eliminated, and that was not in my power to do.

What had become of me? Where was that strong willed man who believed that unfaithfulness was never to be tolerated and who know his value and worth? Is that man still inside of me, yearning to get out? What is holding him back? Perhaps he had been holding onto shards for too long, in the belief of the good times and good memories to face the truth of the matter. Is that man with dreams and ambitions still hidden in my heart? Yes he is.

I see these men as two different people now, the foolish lover of cruelty and the life inspiring wünderman.

The foolish lover laid his head to rest on the 4th of February and died peacefully in his sleep, taking with him all the broken morals, betrayed values and unfaithful memories of online facades. That man will not and cannot live again. The last remnants of this man has been cleaned and purged from this world, and although his lonely cries still echo, he will never again become flesh in this world. He serves now as a reminder of a life not ever wanted. May he rest in peace.

What is left now is the inspiring wünderman that has a glint of gold in his eyes, veracity in his approach and will not settle for mediocrity or cowardice ever again. This man has no interest in what the world around him thinks, and will not change the reality of himself to gain approval of anyone else - ever again. You take him and accept him as he is. This man has a taste and desire for love of a true nature and will find that which awaits him; the pleasure of true monogamy and unity of 2 souls before God. The wünderman is going to change the world and pursue the dreams that has been envisioned and the destinies that await with gusto and without restraint. Truly living and not simply speaking - because hopes whispered through prison doors lose their appeal. He is a man that will not run from responsibility, but will maturely and with pride face the consequences of his actions and decisions.

I welcome to the word a man of wonder and man of courage and change.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Fire, oh fire

In the midst of the power crisis, I am blessed with a fireplace. Constant heat and light. I have enjoyed cuddling with a loved one and wine next to this very fire, watched the light flicker in the reflection of my cats eyes.

I will miss this.

Right under our feet

Many of us seek that which we will flee if we find it. I have seen this time and again, both in myself and in others. We seek, we search, and then we find a calling or a relationship that is a perfect reflection of our yearning and we turn away and go back to seeking, almost as though the light of our true-path was too bright for us, too vulnerable for us, too real for us.

This is a pattern that we have to recognize and heal or else we will never stop looking for what is already there.

True-path is not always around the next corner. Sometimes it’s right under our feet

Never give up...

A word of the wise

Musings on another mountain

I found myself on another mountain and some words came to mind. Seems I love poetry more than I expected.

- - - - -

A final untruth was given to bare
Freedom given from a possible bind
Now has spoken what needed to hear
My gift of grace and peace of mind

The present is what it now must be
Tomorrow is a future yet unseen
Liberty given from a pressure of old
Now can be what is meant to be

Finally I understand my mind divine
The friction caused between him and I
A past that could never be told goodbye
The present unhidden from my blessed eye

A future predicted over a present cry
Prayers answered for lonely hearts
Darkness revealed so it can heal
Not to run and hide from what can feel

The favour of love that was given
Then misused and now mistaken
Power greater than what was known
A past of pain not yet outgrown

Nothing to hide from eyes that see
Acceptance given always for free
Two hands used for one to heal
A shelter given safe to feel

Eternally there will be a space by me
Not friend no foe or lover to be
Inside always I chose to behold
The best in you will always know

For now is what is meant to be
Hard a mind will work to forget thee
A heart however not so easily swayed
For there I am sure forever will be

What has it become?

Proud.

For so long I had believed that my love was not enough, that my love was not good enough to inspire and motivate change. I believed that I was not worthy of the man I loved. The power of my love had seen me through forgiveness time and again, opportunities to turn from the darkness into the light. Yet I still believed I was not worthy, that I had achieved nothing. "If I was worthy, then surely things would have changed? He would see the pain and leave it be. Would his actions not reflect his words if I was truly worthy?", words that often crossed my mind.

For everything I was, everything I stood for, I lost faith in my own value and worth, I lost touch with the true power and potential of my love. There was nothing more that I could ever give, my love was absolute. My love was all encompassing. I had proved this to myself time and time again. I just needed to believe. 

I finally understood. Suddenly I feel that there is no more room for tears. I had already given the guidance I needed, I had already taught the lessons that I could. Love had been my greatest gift and through it everything was said. I continued to be shown and I had to see - to learn the final lesson meant for me:

All along I had been worthy, I was always good enough. My love was not lacking or inferior. There is nothing better than me out there. I was always worthy, and so to was he. We simply neglected too see it and sacrificing that which was never needed. Yes we were destined, always destined - but destined to love and be apart. I was and remain a flawed human being but as long as I have this love inside me, this love for me, I will always be perfect. God is love. God is in the heart, there where love resides. Follow your heart. Fear resides in the mind, following it simply takes you further away from God.

All that I can do, is to surrender.

 - - - - -

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. 

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. 

As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. 

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

- - - - -

The truth is I knew all the secrets, every emailer, online, offline and in-between illusion, from Phil and his fish to Johan and his "associate", even the Master of the Hills. Still I loved with a passion unmatched. That was my true contribution and I walk away knowing that I have given someone love as pure as I can, loved past the (un)secrets and beneath the masks. I have made mistakes and loved enough to admit them and fix them. I have loved. I have given true unconditional love. Even when nothing changed, and the pain remained - so too did love.

Perhaps that is the only true thing that I have left to say. As a soulmate I had stayed true to my role, both of us actually did - we shook the cages, we brought the worst to the front to be healed and made our true selves visible to ourselves. There was nothing else that we could do. We have loved. We had touched our bodies and reached our souls - what more is there to expect from the dynamic of love that we had shared? I feel blessed to have loved him, I feel blessed to have been able to bombard him with all the love that I had in my soul, through the pain and past the hurts. He may go happily into creation, knowing that there is, was and always will be one person who truly saw his bare self and loved every wound and scar, even when he did/does not love himself. We both walk proudly with that knowledge inside of us, we have seen the worst and loved.


There will be a freedom from the pain now, because something had finally changed. No longer is there the consequence of choosing me, no longer is there the (false pride) fear of disappointing another and no longer is there a push and pull for the inevitable vulnerability required to entirely surrender to the magic of true love. No longer is there a need to fight, to carefully and energetically hide the darkness from the one he loves, a darkness that was never hidden in the first place. There is freedom now from the yet unachievable self-made expectations.

I am proud of the sheer bulk of love that we gave. I am proud of myself for having the capacity to love so beautifully and intensely. I am proud of myself, that when love beckoned I surrendered and rode the wave of change that it required, embracing the sweet catalyst of change brought into my life - setting me up now for what is to come. I am proud of us, for holding on for as long as we did, to give love a chance. I am damn proud of us both. Equals in life and equals in love. I truly do not regret a single one of my decisions or their consequences, because I had the courage and tenacity to fight for what I wanted and believed in, letting go of that which was holding me back, I could expect nothing more from myself other than to surrender. I did and it was beautiful. I stayed true to myself and that of the life I want to lead.

There is really nothing left to say, no pain that can be explained, no truth that can be told, no secret that can be revealed - because I always knew it all, my God gift at work. There is no purpose in saying that I love him and always will, because he knows that. He knows too that I miss him. My love will never end, it can never end - it will continue to work through him and through me, giving the lessons that it intends and readying us for what is to come.

I walk away knowing that inside me I have faith, hope and love. I walk away knowing that I had achieved something special with someone special, but that the people we were is no longer the people that we are, our destinies for now had been reached. A new book opens. I start writing words of pride, words of success and words of truth. Only a new beginning awaits us now, a clean start and a wiser life.

I have bared, believed, hoped and endured all things - I know that I have loved, and know that love will never end. Everything really and truly is as it should be and there really is nothing left to say now, everything is already known. We are both, truly, always and unconditionally worthy of love.

Gone are the writings of such negativity. Only posts now of love, compassion, understanding, wisdom and hope remain. Never will it permeate through me again.

- - - - -


Thank you, again, for everything. 
Everything. 
Everything.
From beginning to very end,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Never stop learning and growing,
Always stay true to yourself.
Find your value deep inside.
Pardon your flaws and shortfalls, 
and strive to see that gold in your eyes.
Look up now and then and smile at the stars. 

Thank you for your silence.
Nothing was truly what I needed to hear.

Love always and forever.
Ry
xxx