My self distruction

A church story

A church story

This story is not like the other church stories you may have heard as a child, no this is a special story for me. The words are fresh in my mind, as if they are being spoken time and time again. I can so clearly see the picture in my mind.

It is not a story that is particularly inspiring, but it is about an inspired person. Many lessons can be learned. Many lessons are gained. Love and hope. Faith and love. Healing and death.

Once upon a full moon night, in a country by the sea a young man is walking the dark streets. Guided by the light of the moon. The perspiration is running from his face and down his back and chest, because you see this country is very hot. The young man’s mind is racing at a pace yet discovered, many thoughts darting in and out, conversations and memories, anger and joy, a world of happening is happening inside his mind.

The look on his face however is serene and calm, you would not know the anguish this young man is feeling. His legs are strong and moving him along at a brisk pace, up and over hills and around corners. Bouncing over the holes in the road with a subtle grace for a man of such a large stature and body. On he walks, with his mind racing out ahead of him. His gaze is set ahead of him, like he is on a mission and this walk has a purpose.

He walks around the corner, looks up and stops dead in his track. His expression has changed to one of awe – the eyes of this young man betray him – there are tears. What he sees before him has enough impact to bring him to tears. Ahead of the young man stands the biggest effigy dedicated to Jesus on his continent, a towering structure of modern design, of creative implementation and amazing perspective. The sound of a car horn brings him out of his gaze and he starts to walk again, eyes fixed on the structure before him.

The gate stands open and he walks in. Unknowing of the dangers perhaps lurking inside, he is being led into the property, towards the towering monument, guided by a hand far greater. It is like he knows the road he is to walk, he knows the route to where he needs to be. He turns one more corner and looks up, there it is in full view – what he has been waiting for. The monument stands before him and he stands by it’s base, by His feet.

By the light of the street and the full moon, you see this man fall to his knees. His body is shaking and his head is bowed. If you listen carefully, you head the quiet sobs of a man overcome by emotion. Perhaps all the thoughts that we racing have finally found an outlet. Thoughts of health, wealth, life, death, love, heartbreak, hope, giving up and questions for God – all laid to rest at the feet of Jesus. Quietly words are uttered. Many words. Many questions. Many feelings. A broken heart pounding in a strong beat.

Suddenly the night goes quiet, the roads lose their activity and the frogs stop singing to each other. A blanket was thrown over the church. Hiding it from the world around it – it is just the young man and God now in presence.

Slowly the young man looks up and sees a bright light before him, a figure of majesty comes forth and takes form from this light – Jesus had come to speak to him. “My fallen guardian, you are at your strongest and at your most vulnerable, a balance of love that is most painful. Is this not what you desired to learn and experience, why you came wanted to come down to this mortal earth and live? You have known a love stronger than the love for yourself, given yourself entirely to it and allowed it to creative the infinite balanced unbalance within you. Are you ready to come Home?”

The young man seemed unafraid and bowed his head once more to speak, “My Lord, I do not understand. This is not the life that I wanted. This is not the balance that I strive for. I do not understand.”

The Lord smiled and looked down, with an expression of love in his eyes and on the corners of his lips. Jesus spoke once more to the young man, “You will understand, Angelus. Look around and see your family waiting for you. Is that not why They made sure that you were always guarded, is that not why you were assigned a Guardian to protect you and the one you loved? Is that not why they take your body and do My blessings?”

The young man looked up and saw the Archangels all around them. Beckoning with their arms. Love on their faces.

The Lord and the young man continued to speak, surrounded by the Archangels. The world remained in a hushed town and the moon shone brightly down on them. It was a moment of blessing and understanding. Many tears were cried on that evening and watered the earth of the church grounds – purple roses will grow there. One by one the Angels departed until the young man was once again alone before Jesus, on his knees, it an infinite humble bow.

“You are ready, my Angelis, to come Home. The decision rests with you. In this world there is much love, there is much joy and there is much laughter – but there will also be much pain and much torment. You know who you are and where you come from. Death is a guarantee. Time is a gift. Love an honour. Love can be saved if love is strong. You can be saved from yourself, from this world, by the love you have and share. You are love, but you are human. Go now with My love – be strong and be proud. Go and love the one you chose with as much passion and strength within you. Go now, Angelus.”

The young man bowed and said, “Amen”. Once he looked up he saw only the structure before him, that monument stained by rain and worn by the elements. He hears the sounds of the city and the frogs in chorus. He had returned to the world. His journey is unclear; his health is still in question – yet he knows that he will not receive information about the future anymore, not of his own. Will he be around for another 60 years or 30 days? He cannot be sure. Nothing is certain.

Had he fulfilled a purpose in his life, so young and so early? Is there not more that must be done? God had given him the answers he asked – however, the answer is not what he expected to hear. His strength is infinite and strong as the waves of the ocean – he will continue to walk, continue to strive, until he cannot anymore.

Jesus has appeared to him when he as at his weakest and strongest at the same time. He dropped to his knees and prayed openly and honestly. Emptied his heart and mind to God, to His savour. Jesus answered. Jesus always answers the calls of His children, of that you can be sure. It may not be when you desire an answer, but it is always in the perfect time. Never doubt that timing. Death is the only guarantee but life is not. Love is the strongest force ever created. The choices we make create our future. We are all human, none at a higher standard than the other and we WILL make mistakes. Forgive easily, because you have made the same big mistakes in life. Pray.

The young man stood up from his knees and look around at the world, with the waves in the distance and the sound of cars. He wiped the tears from his cheeks and continued to walk, his broad shoulder standing tall and proud. His gaze on the horizon and a curl on the corner of his lips and purpose in his stride.

One things is for certain, nothing is for certain.
He is love. He is Angelus.
Every day is a new day.
Everything will be as it should be in the end.
He is love.

Angelus.

Where is it...?

Now I sit here. With my head full of words and thoughts, my heart full of sadness - and I wonder why. I am in a new country, strange and unexplored as yet. So much to see. Little Paris with the head of Morocco. Fantastic food and new people. Your soul follows me around, always 2 steps behind. I see you everywhere. In the water and in the distance. Next to me when I sleep. My twin - our sparks of light. Where is my heart? It feels hollow inside my chest.

Truly blessed I am to be here - to experience the new and ways of life. An experience to remember. Amazing people encountered. New food that tantalises my tongue and mind. Yet I think so much of you. Are you okay? Feeling better? Are you happy or sad? Do you miss me, even a little? Is only your soul longing for me? I walk around and smile and marvel at the wonder that is this city - I wish I could see it with you. You would love it here.

My head is wondering around, between illness and health. The cause and effect of news yet understood. Have I been sick all this time, driving away the man who I loved and still love. Will he ever forgive me for acts done, and give understanding? What will become of me? Shall I perish alone? I hold back the tears and clear the thoughts in my mind. There is no answer yet, just demons whispering the doubts.

The local energy weavers are unhappy at my presence, they see me as a threat.

The weather changes as my mind thinks these things. I stop myself. Forcing only the light in my head. I shall love thee from a far - for what else can I do?

A grand adventure awaits - should I be able to leave the office! Work is so delayed.

I will make the most of my short time here.
I will eat the best food and drink the best beer.
I will enjoy the heat and sun.

To the adventure alone. To the adventure unknown.
I am strong.

Bring it.

A conflicted heart

Today I get on a plane and go on a mini adventure all on my own - this will be my first. I am terribly excited and nervous. What will this new country and place hold for me? What treasures am I going to unlock and discover? Will my spiritual centre find balance and peace, or am I going into a warzone? I suppose only time will tell.

My heart, however, is not in a space of complete joy. There is conflict about health. mine and that of the man whom I love so much. Is there something in my brain, that has been causing me to be such a monster? Making it difficult to love me? Making it impossible to love me? Anxious I am for the news to reach me, but I will wait until I have achieved my adventure goal. Whatever the news, I will be strong and courageous, I will survive what I must and kick the ass of that which ails me.

I depart my country with the knowledge that the man in my heart is going through pain and anxiety about his own medical issues - such a wound to heal. Take care of yourself, dear man. Take the best possible care of yourself, rest a lot and allow God to heal what is broken. If I could have stayed I would have - but there is a purpose to everything.

Today I prove something to myself. Something deep inside me. That longing for freedom and travels. Today I prove to myself that I am capable of doing it on my own, of being by myself and enjoying the time in another country, to learn and grow.

To the journey, dear readers.
May it be an adventure.
Yours
Ry

The feeling inside...

There is this strange feeling inside of me, something unknown, a body unhealthy and healing energy struggling to keep up. What is this darkness that is flowing through my veins, what is this curse that has been bestowed upon me? Tomorrow I will see, what is happening inside of me.

I can feel you inside of me.

I shall fall to my knees and pray. Bow my head ever so humbly and ask for strength and healing. Where else will my strength come from if not from above?

I am stronger than the mountains and more powerful than the crashing waves.
What comes my way, I will overcome.
There is nothing that can break me down anymore.
Watch me shine.

My depression

Dear readers,

I have been spending a lot of time in the last, oh, I would say 6 months trying to understand and mentally unwrap and unpack depression, Medically, depression is a variety of genetics and the bodies inability to produce sufficient amount of happy hormone, to sustain your mood during the day.

There are many symptoms for depression, listen on countless website and reference pages. Reading the words, written so clinically makes it seem so tame, so easy to overcome. I have experienced a deep and dark depression for many months, and have been able to regain mental stability and chemical stability, through the use of medication (which I have since stopped), a lot of mental discipline and love and support from those around me, especially to the man who was by my side. The cost to our relationship however and his well-being was the hardest hit by my state.

There is not saying what causes depression, like the books will say, it can be inherited or be genetic, however it is also very much a situational consequence. There are so many contributing factors. Work. Life. Relationships. For me was added spiritual contributions and turmoil. A single life changing event can trigger depression, or it can be a slow buildup of many things that set off the monster in our heads. Depression is an illness, it is not a mental weakness, it is not a physical weekend and should never be seen ass such. It is something that is very real and very dangerous.

It is challenging to explain what the effects are on a person who is suffering from depression, they are so varied and unique. Let me start with the complete and total lack of sustainable happiness. Personally, I struggled to stay happy. I was in a constant cycle of sadness, and any happiness that I could find was so temporary. I would have extreme and very brief highs, followed by a long and deep low. This feeling of sadness and unhappiness was all consuming - it was completely overwhelming, soon becoming the new norm. Moments that were supposed to sustain pure joy for many months were very short lived, me buying my first home, a new car, an anniversary of the man I loved, special evenings and gifts and weekends away. They were all short lived by the darkness that was so all consuming. Very few who have lived it, will truly understand what I mean by this consuming force.

The secret behind depression and understanding the all consuming effects of it, is to understand that it is such a powerful and strong mental trap - it is strong. It is very strong. It slowly becomes part of your mental processing, adding a layer of darkness to any situation. It can make you believe things that are untrue, make you act irrationally and make small problems seem completely overwhelming. It is such a dark demon. I have lived it. Looking back now on some of the challenges that has seemed so big, I feel so foolish - but comforted knowing that I am at a state of mind where I can see it now, I have identified the pattern and monster. I have regained control. It is a moment of pride for me. Positive pride.

This consuming sadness creates such doubt in your head, it can make something that is a guarantee and make it into something that makes you apprehensive and anxious. It created huge amounts of self doubt, bruising self confidence in a massive way. There is also a delightful aspect of losing complete interest in daily activities, positive habits, work and family. The drive and ambition goes from you entirely. I used to feel so helpless - entirely consumed by a problem that is very much within my ability to overcome. I remember it well actually. My behaviors changed, I started focusing and doing things that were completely against my nature and beliefs, speeding, reckless behaviour and becoming consumed by a darkness that caused so much harm I do not even want to mention it - completely irrational. I became a stranger to the man I was. My sleeping patterns became erratic and I felt constantly tired, I was short tempered and irritable. I became the monster in my own head.

My depression made me entirely unable to see achievements or blessings. I was unable to understand how blessed my life was, how much I had achieved, how much I was given. I was entirely consumed by the challenges ahead, instead of allowing myself to celebrate the victories of now. I even became unable to celebrate the victories of my friends and partner, becoming someone who gave a half-assed congratulations. I became a jealous and envious person - that was completely against my nature. I would strive for short term satisfaction and happy hormones, regardless of the consequences for those around me, mainly again, my life partner. A man like I became did not deserve what I was given.

The monster that is depression has a very special gift - the feeling of complete and utter loneliness. You feel constantly alone. In a room full of people. You are alone. Always alone in your head. Consumed by the darkness. I used to instinctively avoid social engagements, feeling uncomfortable and out of place in a situation I used to shine in. Unknown people started to become intimidating and I lost my social self. I withdrew from my family, and even my partner - I became alone.

The effects of depression on those around you, are just as severe. The people who are closest to you, a husband, a life partner, family and friends - they feel the effects also. They watch someone they love becoming a stranger and going backwards in their life path. These people, and for me it was my life partner, struggled with me daily - from a different side of the fence. Trying to make me happy, trying t o improve my mood, to understand why I am going backwards and why I had forgotten the important lessons that he had taught me. I had become a stranger, focusing on the negative of my life, becoming overwhelmed at small things, not participating in social events or helping to plan social outings and special weekends away. It seemed that I had lost interest - I didnt. I know this now. My heart breaks for he man that stood so firmly by me and could do nothing right from my point of view. I had caused him so much hurt in the process of my depression. He helped me more than any person, giving me everything and me not appreciating any of it. If it was not for him, I know that I would still be stuck in the depressive spiral. I owe him my mind.

Someone who is suffering from depression tends to hold onto something or an activity that distracts them or keeps their mind of the sadness. I focused on my partner, he became my centre and my everything. My happiness revolved around him. I became suffocating - this darkness that I had become, this monster and demon. I took all the happiness from his life also, consumed by my darkness - I was reliving old hurt, focusing like a desperate person. Thinking back now, I can hardly believe the man I was - I was pathetic really. I can honestly say though, with the understanding that I have now, I did not know any better. I was completely consumed by something I did not entirely understand or grasp. It was horrible. It was scary. I did not know how to stop it. I was completely unable to stop being consumed by negative thoughts - it was impossible. I cannot explain it, no one can. It is the demon.

Depression is a self consuming disease - it becomes you. I read an interesting article that says the more intelligent and analytical you are, the harder the effects hit you. It changes you into someone unknown, even to yourself. It bolsters insecurities, creating unimaginable realities in your life. It puts a strain on your heart, mind and even soul. You become lost in a darkness that you cannot find. It drives you to acts and obsessions that are unhealthy and damaging. Finally I understand. The effects on those around you are just as tragic, just as taxing and just as hurting - even if you cannot see it.

Readers, let me tell you something - depression is not wrong, it is not weakness, it is not a sign of an immature person or someone who is not in control of their lives. It becomes your life. It is a sickness like any other. It requires a lot of understanding, professional help and at times medication. You can overcome it - you can. I did. I write this post now, as someone who has managed to cage the beast and pray the demon away. With the massive help of my family and friends, but most importantly to the partner who stood by me. The consequences were massive, a life partner lost, a love I had became undeserved - but the lessons learned cannot be quantified. The actions are still yours, they are your responsibility and you must own up to them and apologise for the hurt and pain, understand the consequences once you are able and learn the lessons and change. The consequences on my relationship was possible the worst - but I am not scared to admit it openly and have tried to apologise as best as I can, even if I did fail at times.

Depression is a lifelong struggle, it will be with you forever, but it does not have to consume your life once you understand the beast and the monster - once you regain the self control. Once you start focusing on the blessings, focus on them daily and often. Get medication. Speak to a professional. You are not alone. Ever. Believe in that. There is always someone that cares. When you have moments and days where the demon has broken free of it's cage, force yourself back into a space of control. You are always in control, once you realise you are in control.

Look at me now, readers. I am stronger than the mountains. More powerful than the sea. You can overcome depression - you can fight the demon and be the person you are meant to be. I am almost there. Every day I am stronger. Every day I am returning back to the man I used to be, the man who deserves the love as pure as I had, who deserves the dedication of friends that I have and deserves the blessings that have been bestowed.

I will be forever grateful for the life-love that supported me and sacrificed itself, for the family that supported my and my friends that always listened.

Be strong readers. Be strong and be proud.
We are not weak.
Fight! Win!
Always get up if you fall.
Love hard.
Regain control.

Yours,
Ry

This is me...

Dear readers!

This is me...

Although I have fears in my head, it will never let it get the better of me anymore. I am in control of what goes on in my mind. A strange something is happening in my body, creating a weakness yet unknown, but I am in control of my body - I will nourish it, take care of it and make sure it serves me to the best. If alone I have to face this unknown foe, then so I shall - I am thankful for the prayers received. I will light a candle and bend my head and put my comfort in the One unknown.

My chakras are balanced, my trance is strong. My energy is depleted and a healing blessing I do need, but will receive it from someone who is willing to - yet still I stand, stronger than the mountains of the earth. I have loved with my all, endlessly loved, hopelessly loved - harder and stronger than the foundations of the earth - he deserves my endless love, even if I do not deserve his. Although my heart feels broken - feel how strong it beats.

My faith in God is stronger than ever, my belief is boundless and my destiny is my own. The plan that God may have for a single soul may be very unknown, but I believe that the best will be and happen for me. I am a dreamer and for now will stand alone in my moment of darkness, my blessing will be seeing the dawn before the rest of the world. I am strong. I am boundless. The waves of the ocean fuel the very fabric of my heart, the flow of my energy, the amount of my love.

My smiles hide my sadness, my eyes betray my soul. Tears are shed behind closed doors, wetting the floor by my feet - watch the purple rose grow. Look at me go. Look at me shine. Look at me rise. I may not deserve his love or life, but I deserve His love and life endlessly.

My blessings counted. My body will heal. My mind will calm. I am blessed.

Stronger than the mountains, love as vast as the ocean, hair the colour of the desert sands.

This is me.

I am Ry.

:)

Dear self

Dear self,

The final words has now been spoken. What is left to do? You have apologised for your mistakes, you have acknowledged your shortcomings, you have declared your love - yet still he chooses to walk away. From everything we were, everything we could be - the sparks of light drawn to each other, the twin souls merged. Everything and more than we had prayed for our entire lives.

Our mistakes were the same, our pain felt - the same. Betrayal from both sides. Forgiveness it seems, from one. Is he so intent on holding onto the pain, the ego and the pride that he are willing to focus only on that which has gone wrong, instead of taking my hand and walking towards the good? Our pain is as real to ourselves as it can be, the hurt is undeniable. Sadness remains in all both of our hearts, the heartbreak is still so fresh. Sadness of the soul. Yet love remained.

Oh how I do understand the needs of your soul, the needs of your mind and the reasoning behind your actions, can you truly say the same? Perhaps you can. My actions caused you harm, but then again so did yours. Our pain is the same. The anger will go in time, stop assuming the worst and listen to my words - I have made this mistake, it leads to dark things. Yet love remained.

How big a betrayal had I not forgiven? How big a heart ache had I not replaced with love.

Did I also not give in abundance and offer all of myself?

I am not the darkness that you assume me to be.

The fear of health is weighing on my mind. The concern for a future is near. Yet my strength remains, my body stands tall and my lips smile. Yes I can align my chakras and regain my spirit balance, but who now will bless me?

God always provides what we need. It is His way.

Always he will be my soul companion and love. I will take your hand and walk towards the light - if you would allow me.

There is nothing left to say,
There is nothing left to do,
There is nothing left.

Ry

On reflection...

Dear readers,

This weekend I had some time to reflect on the recent months and overview of years. It has been one hell of a journey. I have felt my world crumble around me and my heart break next to a bathtub, only to put it back together and have it happen again. I have forgiven many times and endlessly. I have loved enough to fight and fight for who I wanted. I have overcome pain in ways I never expected. Yet here I stand. There I was, on the open. It is staggering. The power that love gave me, the strength within myself. I have degraded myself and taken a lot on myself, put my pride aside and bowed my head - all for love - but that is not the way of love. Now I stand proud, standing strong, flying the flag for love. Believing in love and having faith in it's ultimate power.

The journey, dear reader has been staggering and filled with so much blessing. Blessed beyond measure. Loving without boundaries. Strength in prayer. Faith of the ocean. Strong. Strong. Strong.

A drink (coffee at this time) to the journey.
Be strong reader! Take the lessons from your tough times, learn and grow.
Make mistakes. Forgive mistakes. Always learn.
Let love show you the way - it is, after all, divine.
Ry

In and Out of Time (Adapted)

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
As you were broken on the floor
I lay with you and called you mine
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
As trust was broken time again
I had always loved you more.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.

You saved my life and gave my time
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares into dreams...
You turned away and went to darkness
A lighthouse cannot shine underground
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
Did I not forgive your mistakes each time
What then makes mine such a strain
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time

The sea

Here I am alone again

Its just You and me

Here by the sea

The waves are crashing

The energy builds

I give to You what is in me

The waves all consuming

It's setting me free.

Now, finally I see

That the breaths are counting down for me
The waves are crashing
The energy builds

Alone again, here by the sea

Here I sit, just You and me.

My prayer lamp

In my home, I have a special place dedicated to my religious beliefs. A sacred place where I pray, where I sit and focus my conversations with God. From here stems the spiritual heart of my home. My protection. My peace. My prayer lamp. With a comforting fire burning and incense to waft my prayers into the universe.

At this place stands a vase with a white rose, dedicated to my dear grandmother – the wisest of all woman. A red rose for the magic of love and the love of God for me. A ribbon of purple and green, for the safe travels of the one I love. A symbol of brotherhood given to me by my sister also hangs proudly by my lamp. Beads of prayer gifted to me, smelling to beautifully of Sandalwood. There stands also a tube of pewter that contains only my favourite of incense – a treasured gift.

The reasons for these objects to stand in my sacred space, is that they mean something to me – something deep and extremely personal. They belong in a safe place. The safest place in my house.

That is where my heart is, where God is.

Recently I have added my most precious of memories, my most precious of prayers on this lamp. Standing on the left side. A photo of me and the man that I love. We are no longer together. By my lamp stands the first photo ever taken of us together. Adorned by a wooden cross given to me as a gift – a reminder of my faith in God and His might. At the foot of this picture stands a titanium ring, my strength, my endurance and my might. All 3 together represent the value of this memory. Precious gifts and the most precious of memory. All standing proudly together in my sacred space. Surrounded by God and the universe. My blessing of love and happiness on it always. The light of the fires lighting up and flickering across the splendor of this simple display.

In an envelope, surrounded my letters of love and gifts that will shine and glitter forever, are the rest of my memories. Safely put away for me to see. For me to remember. For me to cherish.

In my home, I have a special place dedicated to my religious beliefs. A sacred place where I pray, where I sit and focus my conversations with God. From here stems the spiritual heart of my home. My protection. My peace. My prayer lamp. With a comforting fire burning and incense to waft my prayers into the universe. That is where you stand. Where we stand. 

Nothing else matters.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light...

Dear readers,

I have been fighting. Fighting hard against the dying of the light. Fighting for who I want, fighting for what I want. Racing against the dying of the light. Stood on the mountains and confessed my sins to God. Shouted at myself for the mistakes I have made. Changing the inferior man into the worthy man. Raging against the dying of the light.

Thought walls are up and defences high, the wires electric and the sharp words cut - I will continue to rage against the dying of the light. Fighting for what I know is right. Can you not see, behind those closed doors, behind those walls so high, the fighting I endure? The blood is running and my fingers raw, but fight I will fight, against the dying of the light.

Rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light. Rage until there is nothing left, no more fight to give and no more strength to go, fight for what I need and want till I cannot anymore.

"Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night."

Never is it too late to win the fight. Never go gently into the good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. You are mine and I was yours, through space and time, our hearts beat as one, I will rage against the dying of the light. I will fight against the barriers set. Shed blood for the goal to be met. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

What is required from me, shall be. But rage I shall, against the dying of the light.

Dont give up readers.

Ry

I have seen, I have felt, I have listened

Finally I have been humbled with true empathy.

To truly see through the eyes of another, to not "see" but through my own glasses. To see the situation for what it really is.

To listen with the ears of another, so humbling and so scary. To hear the pain of the words you have spoken, to hear the misunderstanding and to hear the words unsaid.

To feel with the heart of another, I have felt, the betrayal and the pain. The hurt and the emotion. The anger and resentment. I have felt.

Have you?
Ry

Frustration

My frustration, so big and powerful. A feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness. Such frustration.

You know that feeling when you have the answer to something, to a problem, the solution to a puzzle or to anything in life really, but the power does not rest with you to make the decision - there is this frustration that builds up inside you. This wave of emotions that flow with it. It can bring you to tears and make you seem so irrational - and perhaps it makes you irrational. I can only speak from my own experiences.

I have been so frustrated in recent weeks and months, frustrated and powerless to change something, to fix and mend a relationship. Moments of feeling content for having the answer, knowing that I will always be wiser and better in knowing the answer to my problem. Then new information is obtained and new directions noted and noticed and that frustration swells up again, bringing with it the emotions. The whole cycle is very frustrating actually. I am sure you all have experienced that in your own lives? Parents often feel it with their children and the mistakes that the children make and are on the way to making - I sympathise with my poor mother. I get it now. That frustration. It is horrible. I recall now the mistakes that she warned me about, before I made them, yet in my stubbornness I refused to accept and it bit me in the ass.

What is there to do? When you teach and the pupil does not want to learn? Let that frustration eat you alive, or do you simply rest in the fact that you have done all that you can? All you can do is keep praying, keep looking up, dig deep and be brave and bold.

The trick is to never stop teaching. Never stop trying to teach, everyone and anyone who is willing to listen, always forgive the pupils who come back. If I remember correctly my mom always gave me comfort and told me she loved me - even if I made a mistake she tried to teach me about. That is the approach that I will take. Always love. Always keep teaching. Dont let the frustration get to you, rest in the fact that you have the knowledge, that you will change what needs to change and keep teaching. A true teacher, like a mother, never gives up on their children, and will teach the same lesson endlessly until it is understood.

My frustration, dear readers, will surely be there, but I will continue to teach. I will never let my frustrations stop me from teaching. From achieving. From getting the world that I desire and the lessons that come with it. Perhaps my lessons will help someone to achieve the world that they are looking for. All I can do is try.

Dont be frustrated people. Know what is in your control and what is not. Let go of what you have no control over and leave that to the universe. Keep learning. Keep teaching. Never let frustration become the reason you stop. In work, love, family or life. Never give up!

Strongs my readers!
Always!

Peace

In that moment between rage and sadness there is a small window of absolute peace. It is in that space where God dwells in all His glory. In that space is where love is truly the strongest. In that balance of heaven and earth you find the inner peace required to forgive all, to smile from the put of your stomach and be happy in all things. In that space, where only God and the best of universal energy dwells, where you can find happiness, where you can find hope and good in everyone.

Forgive whole-heartedly.
Love without limits.
Be faithful in all things.
Learn from mistakes.
Change what is wrong.
Become the best of you.

Be at peace, listen to the words of God, the tips from the Universe. Believe in the power greater than yourself and have faith in the journey. Only when you are truly quiet will you hear the voice of God.

2 months today

It has been 2 months today since our relationship was ripped from my life. Today is also our anniversary day. Happy once anniversary dear man! Time has not dulled the pain of loss in my heart. Time has not dulled the love I feel for you. Time has only taken away the superficial feelings of pain and hurt - at least!

I miss you today like I cannot describe - everything I see reminds me of you. The sun is not shining as brightly as it used to, the sky is not as blue as it used to be and food somehow tastes bland today. I miss you TVK. I miss you. I love you and am in love with you. Let go of what once was, and focus on what could be... Let me love the pain away, let me prove to you that you are worthy of receiving it. Lets change what we should change to be better men for each other.

I love you - so much!

So it must be...

Welcome home!

Untitled.

I write a post today that is untitled. There is no title that can describe this post. This posts finds me having put my pride aside, put my ego aside and be brutally honest with you, the world and universe.

Last night, after an intense prayer and meditation, although painful,  I surrendered entirely. It was time for me. In that moment of surrender, when I accepted what was - I received the clarification for the past. It is strange - Oprah mentioned once, that when you have done all you can do, begged, bargained and pleaded, there is nothing else to do but surrender to a power higher than yourself. Once you do that, you will receive what God, the universe has planned for you.

It seems that last night was my moment. Only when I truly could feel myself release and surrender did I received what I was ready to receive at that time. All I had prayed for, was for the man I love to love me again, to come back to me again, for us to be together again. This nagging feeling inside my heart and soul told me our story was not complete.

I know my worth and my value to this world, I am on a path of discovering my true purpose and being the man I am supposed to be on this earth. I have discovered many things, learned many lessons, felt many emotions and deal with many things, to say that I am a different man now than 6 months ago is truly an understatement. The two can hardly be compared.

The truth that I realised last night, the clarity that I received - the words that I finally listened to and understood - hit me hard. It knocked my breath away and I felt ashamed. I am filled with regret and with guilt at the actions from my relationship, from both parties. God had to bring me to my knees, to humble me in front of Him, to show that my pride is nothing more than a roadblock. I had to truly accept some harsh truths about myself and about my ex partner. The insecurities that haunted us, that caused us to become strangers, fears that became greater than love itself.

The road we were travelling, without a map, without guidance, was only setting us up for this eventuality. How can we have ever been enough for each other, when we never told each other what we needed from each other. How could we be enough when we never guided each other. How could we know what to do or not to do, without that information. We have been setting ourselves up for failure. We failed love. Love never failed us.

No one can be expected to know what to do, when they have not yet been told what to do. They will never meet expectations if they are not clarified. I fucked up. Big time. I admit that, humbly. I bare as much of the blame.

Much needs to be said. Pride and ego must be put on the line. Guidance accepted as guidance and not attack. A change to fix. A chance to change. A chance to be better than ever before. Or a chance to say a final goodbye. All I can do is try, to humble myself in front of the man I love.

Dear readers, love cannot fail. Love is the ultimate force of nature, it is the fabric of our existence and the bond that we have with all forces of the universe. It is our link to creation. Love cannot fail. People can fail. I failed. We failed.

Be blessed,
Ryno

A poem for you

It started as a feeling that grew intensely
You showed me a new life
You cut away the past, without a knife

I man I prayed for,
This man I found in you.
From the top of your head to the sole of your shoe.

Through the challenges and pain,
Strong our love remained.
Always resolute and absolute.

The many warnings shown,
Warnings of darkness growing,
The seeds of pain we were sewing.

Many times you were shown to see,
What the darkness was doing to me.
Asking you to turn away.

Suddenly it was over, ended.
You threw in the towel,
Surrendered.

Insecurities had dulled the light,
Suddenly there was confusion and dark.
Forever I thought, we would fight.

Our dreams now fading,
Laughter of children,
Now thoughts so barren.

Do you feel not good enough for me?
Was the fear so great,
You could only turn away from me?

On my back I would carry you.
Over mountains and deserts, to show you places you wanted to see
That is what you meant to me.

Did I drive you away?
Did my fears and insecurities,
Force you not to stay?

I opened my heart for you to see,
I tried to show you all that our love could be,
Was I not good enough for you?

I deleted my sources of darkness,
Removed the seeds of pain,
For in us, there is much more to gain

Returning to the shadows,
It is so easy and free,
I ask you now, to come back to me.

Our flaws make us human,
Acceptance and change is the key,
You were always perfect to me.

Why can you not turn away from the darkness,
To delete the seeds of pain and turn to the light?
I beg you to leave it be, return to love, return to me.

Your face I see in my prayers,
The hurting cries of lonely tears,
Embrace the light and forget the fears.

Next to me your soul does sleep,
Silent tears roll down his cheek,
A reminder to me of the love we keep.

Thank you, for the time you gave to me.
For the love you offered me.
For the passion I will never forget.

In my heart you will always be.
Only time will tell and we will see,
What our love was meant to be.

Goodbye.
Farewell.
Stay well.

I love you.

Alone with my thoughts

In recent weeks and months I have had the opportunity to truly be alone with my thoughts. To be alone with my prayers and the kaleidoscope that is my mind. God says that He has a plan for your life, and everything is as it should be, and I have been spending a lot of time thinking about my journey and life and making decisions based on the path that I want to be on and see myself on. I have re-connected with my soul, the fabric of my existence - being able to express myself in words on this blog, express my ideas and the ramblings of a creative mind.

I have been able too see my inner value, my God blessings, my gift to the world. My ability to see what lies ahead, to feel the pain of others, to understand the torture of a soul and not succumb to the force, to not crumble under their pressure. To guide and give insight as it is felt in my soul. This is my gift. The inner strength that boils inside me, the rock that my foundation is built on is what keeps me going and keeps the pain from others from me.

My infinite capacity to love is what fuels the gift inside me. My guru said to me, "One day, you will have the capacity to love the world." I do think that she was being overly dramatic, but who I am to disagree with her words and her vision. "With the gift of insight and guidance, combined with the capacity to love - you are a valuable person in life. The most precious of persons." A person blessed with such gifts, is blessed with a terrible curse - the knowledge one may not want to have. The strength inside me keeps that pain from me also. The love inside me helps me to forgive. Time helps me to forget.

I have reflected on the current state of my life, on my ample blessings and amazing people in my life - I am very fortunate to have the people I do surrounding me. The home that I live in. The cat that simply adores to be rubbed and make me laugh. Even the man that I once called my own is a blessing. I have learned to much from that relationship, and I am so thankful for the time that he gave me and that God gifted us. Yes, there were many mistakes made, inability to change, to accept fault and apologise. Inconsistency of word and action. All lessons that I have had to learn, that we (in-fact) have had to learn.

In my reflection time, with the gift of retrospect, you realise how quickly things can be fixed and changed - a happy life is easily obtainable. Yet retrospect for all it's blessings is also a curse if used incorrectly. My gifts allow me to see ahead, and my head reminds me constantly of the past. One good and one bad. Yin and Yang. The balance. I prefer though, to look forward now. To embrace the challenges ahead and to remember the blessings and teachings of life. To be thankful to the one I loved for what he gave me. To remember the good times. To pray for the future, and believe in God.

Do I want the man I used to call mine back? Of course I do, my heart is telling me yes. My head is telling me that I should be strong, stay strong, stay true and give the space that is required for him. The space that he so desperately needed. I cannot make contact, my place is now to stay silent and be patient and have faith in him and God. Soon I will stop checking my phone 100 times a day to see if there is a message. The ticking time is giving me comfort that in time I will continue to grieve and my heart will heal, soon the memories will become only memories. A lot has to change and be different, much that once was must be gone forever.

My capacity for love allows me infinite amounts of forgiveness. I must let go and believe in what is to be - as always - I must have faith in the course that God has for me. I have forgiven the man that I once called my own, entirely, we are only human after-all. I have forgiven and eventually time itself will make me forget - that is a comfort itself.

From those who are blessed, much is required.
Much is required from those who have the ability to change the world.

Stay blessed fellow readers,
Ry

Word to live by!

Harvest Moon

So yesterday I heard this song, by Neil Young - and as I listened to the lyrics and the music, I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach - and the truth hit home. I remembered the dances I shared with my once partner, in hotel rooms and random times - without music, just us, swaying to music. Tears welled in my eyes and I excused myself - what a beautiful memory to keep.

Come a little bit closer

Hear what I have to say

Just like children sleepin'

We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon risin'

Let's go dancin' in the light

We know where the music's playin'

Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers

I watched you from afar

When we were lovers

I loved you with all my heart.

But now it's gettin' late

And the moon is climbin' high

I want to celebrate

See it shinin' in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon.

So the Holy truth, of the Holy truth is that I am not done loving yet. So many lessons that I have learned, so many life changing and altering lessons, that I am applying to my life and improving myself. It is scary having feelings of loving someone, who wants to let you go. All things fade in time. For now, I take a strange comfort in my love, as I have before.

This path I am on is meant for loneliness - to truly understand. To truly allow myself to feel.

I am blessed to be connected to amazing friends and family who I see regularly - yet there is still something missing, that enhances my life. I am not done loving yet.

Let the wind carry the words across the oceans and mountains, and your mind fill with memories dancing...

May God help me through this journey, through many harvest moons - through healing and growth. Through peace, light and happiness. Pieces come together one by one. I have faith always.

Yours always, dear readers.

Ry

Letters to God

The last few weeks and months, I have been spending a lot of time writing my prayers down. Writing to God as though he was my best friend. Openly an honestly. I always find that I end up writing pages, for hours - just writing. The sheer act of writing opens my mind to everything I did not think I had to say. It is truly amazing.

I would take these letters, fold them away and keep them in a special place next to my bible. They are prayers, they are meant to be kept safe. Yesterday however, I started reading each one out loud - the tears of the pain I felt while writing shamelessly flowed and as I finished each one, I would burn it - allowing the smoke to carry my message to God, to the universe. In flashes of light and intense heat, each letter would be taken, it's contents released from my soul and handed over to God. The joy, the gratefulness of the love that I had for a brief time, the passion and memories filled my mind and gave me the peace that God had intended for His children. The comfort of futures not yet known, the knowledge that God has a plan bigger than I can imagine for myself - replaced the pain and tears.

The words that I read, the lessons that I have learned, the pleading and pain I captured - let go. Each word I read, I would feel. Each feeling I would allow and be absorbed by, but then I would let go as the paper gets turned into light and heat. Each flash of light would make the tears shimmer, each gust of heat would dry them. My ritual of letting go. Getting it out.

Letters to the one I once loved. The letters full of promises of hope and futures, of forgiveness, of questions and confusion  - soon followed. They were really letters to God after all, letters to release my pain and anger, to forgive and move forward. Every letter had claimed its tear and every flash of fire had taken them and released me. I am not ready to let go, not yet. I believe in my future not yet seen and the lessons learned, and the change that needs to happen.

My letters to God. My prayers. They belong to the universe now.

Let go of what was.
Believe in what will be.
Have endless faith.
Love hard.
Ry

Balance

Sometimes, losing balance for love is part of living a balanced life - The Guru

My sadness, my strength

At long last I have remembered that I have this blog, and that have the ability to write on it. I have read my previous posts, reflecting on my life at those various stages of existence - and I marvel at how my life has changed and stayed the same.

A lot has changed, myself as a person probably the most. So much I have learned about myself, my behaviours and my emotions. Things I did not realise in the past - and have now accepted and am in the process of changing. The love that completed my life, I have had to part with - causing such a gap in my life that I cannot begin to completely understand.

Much has changed, and much has stayed the same.

I have known a love so strong, so utterly and completely devoted, a love so intensely felt that I lost myself in it - completely and entirely. It was a good love. A man who made me smile and made me cry. A man who gave me wings and helped me fly. Many mistakes made from both sides. Fatal mistakes. Nothing changed, so nothing changed. Down the path of eventuality we walked.

I miss this man who gave me such strong feelings of love and devotion. I am haunted constantly by memories, both happy and devastating - emotions that will linger for a lifetime. I am not ashamed to say that I am still very much in love with this man. However, I am wise enough to know that I have to let go for now - for the better of us both. Time is the ultimate conquerer, taking away many things and eventually life itself.

My prayers are filled with hope and love, with desire and forgiveness - yet my mind is slowly letting go, piece by piece, as is the natural and healthy way. I believe in God, in the destiny that God has planned for each of his children, and believe even more in the future that God has blessed me and gifted me glimpses of.

Much has to change, for something to be different. Actions and words should be in unity. Love will have to be strong. Faith and trust, overpowering. Is this possible? Yes. Inside all people is the potential to change, to become more than what was and what is - to become better than ever before. This is my dream for myself, to achieve my personal potential; to become the best version of myself always. Slowly, daily, life ticks on - things change, people change, I change.

Here is to the journey, fellow readers. Of change and circumstance. To forgiveness and love. To peace and harmony. To hope and faith.

To the journey!
Ry